


Deep as you Go

by Klitch



Category: Digimon
Genre: Attempted Rape, M/M, Mental Disorder, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-08-12
Updated: 2001-08-11
Packaged: 2017-10-20 20:53:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/216993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klitch/pseuds/Klitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daisuke decides to spend a year abroad in America, but when he returns he discovers that a lot can change in a year, especially when it comes to Ken....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deep as You Go

**Author's Note:**

> My long, precious fic of doom. Take the rating seriously. This is nothing like fluff.

Daisuke stared out the airplane window and fidgeted. The well-loved and time-worn goggles that hung halfway out of his small carry on clacked together with a familiar comforting noise as his eyes traveled along the ground below. In the distance, he could see the airport. It felt strange to see Tokyo again after that long year away. His mind leaped forward in anticipation of the upcoming reunion.  


Hikari had e-mailed him only a few days ago, promising to be at the airport at the appointed time with the rest of the group. Takeru would likely be driving, he had found a cheap van at a used car lot and loved it to distraction. Daisuke recalled the day after graduation, when they had been at Takeru’s party and getting ready to go stop at Hikari’s, and had all decided to clamber into Takeru’s car rather than wasting everyone else’s gas. Twelve Chosen Children had tried to squash themselves into one van, with Takeru driving and Iori riding shotgun, Sora, Jyou and Taichi (the older children had all gotten home from college a week earlier) in the middle seat, and Daisuke, Miyako, and Hikari in the back. Koushiro had been forced to sit on the floor between Takeru and Iori’s seats, and Mimi had ended up sitting on the furiously blushing Jyou’s lap, while Yamato shoved them to the side in order to squish in next to Taichi. Daisuke had pulled Ken onto his lap as a joke, and it had taken Ken half the trip to wiggle away. And it was odd, Daisuke had later realized, that Ken had seemed strangely upset by this, and had looked away almost the whole time. But by the time they reached the Yagami’s apartment, lucky that no police officer had caught them and found half the occupants without seatbelts and in dangerous positions to boot, Ken had finally gotten to sit on the floor, only to have Daisuke trip over him upon exiting.  


Daisuke smiled at the memory. Ken had been sent sprawling into a half-filled cup of cherry 7-Up, soaking him with sticky liquid and causing his black hair to drip red. Annoyed, Ken had waited until they got into the apartment and he was handed a towel before grabbing the nearest cup of carbonated drink and unceremoniously dumping it over Daisuke’s head.  


Daisuke sighed a bit. Those were nice memories. He could think of all sorts of others, from junior high to their freshman year of college. They had all gone to the same school, though Ken, at least, probably could have gone somewhere better. But there was a deep bond of friendship that none of them wanted to lose, something that ran so deep that it seemed ridiculous to break it. Until Daisuke had decided, on some strange whim, to spend his sophomore year studying abroad in America, at Wallace’s college, no less. It had been a good year, Daisuke admitted to himself, but he had missed his friends in Japan. Hikari, Takeru, Miyako, Iori.....Ken.  


Daisuke couldn’t help but feel a burst of anticipation accompany that name. Ken. His best friend. It had been so long since he had seen Ken, or even talked to him. Those first few months, when he had first reached America and was full of excitement and wonder at the place he had so rarely visited, Daisuke admitted that he had not thought much of Ken. They had talked long distance a few times--or rather, _Daisuke_ talked, informing Ken of all the great things that he was seeing, and Ken had replied with an occasional “Hmm,” and “That sounds nice.” It hadn’t occurred to Daisuke until much later that Ken hadn’t seemed very happy for him. There had been letters too, at first. Ten of them, to be exact, all from Daisuke’s first month in America. They were all currently sitting safely in the bottom of his pack. Daisuke had re-read them a few times, and each time he wondered how he could have missed the way they got shorter and more somber with every letter. In that first busy week, he had only found the time to write Ken one or two short notes, and then the letters had stopped altogether. Daisuke had written Ken several more times during the course of the year, but had gotten no response. He wondered if Ken was just busy, or if he was angry for some reason.  


 _Well, if he’s angry at me, I’ll just ask him when I see him,_ Daisuke decided. He slid a hand in his pack, first bringing out his goggles and fastening them back on his head. He had bought a new strap for them in America, because the old one had gotten too tight. Then Daisuke pulled out ten envelopes tightly wrapped by two rubber bands and a piece of white ribbon. Ken’s letters were a little messy from spilled ink and pencil lead, since Daisuke often carried them wherever he went, but they were nonetheless still readable. Daisuke had already read them several times during the plane ride, whenever he wasn’t sleeping.  


The pilot announced that they were preparing to land, so Daisuke put on his seatbelt and returned the letters to their coveted spot in his backpack. He couldn’t help but stare out the window as they landed, as if his friends might just be standing by the runway. Inwardly he was jumping up and down and shouting like a crazy person, but he managed to restrain his outer self to a simple bit of bobbing up and down in impatience.  


The landing was surprisingly smooth. The people around him starting talking amongst themselves, gathering up their personal effects as they prepared to exit the plane. The moment the announcement was given that they could begin to exit the plane Daisuke bounced to his feet, shifting from foot to foot impatiently as the people in front of him also started to exit, painfully slow. Daisuke checked his watch, which he had reset upon entering Japan airspace. It was only about ten in the morning, Sunday, and classes started the next day. He was already rooming with Takeru, since Ken had apparently gotten his a single this year. Daisuke’s parents would be stopping by later to greet him and bring up some of his extra clothes and such that he hadn’t wanted to drag to America and back.  


Daisuke bounced into the airport and scanned the crowd, looking for black hair and violet eyes.  


“Daisuke!” He turned and broke out into a smile as Hikari came running up. She gave him a quick welcome home hug, and when she pulled away the movement was echoed by Miyako.  


“About time you got here,” the lavender-haired girl laughed. “We’ve been here for hours!”  


“Nice to see you again, Daisuke.” Takeru walked up to him with Iori in tow.  


“It’s been a long year without you,” added Iori.  


“I missed you guys, too,” Daisuke said. “Wait’ll you see some of the pictures I’ve got. Oh, and Wallace says hi. He was really great, showing me around and stuff, but man am I glad to be home!”  


“How was the plane ride?” Hikari asked.  


“Was the food any good?” Miyako spoke up.  


“Nah, it sucked,” Daisuke said, waving a hand. “What I wouldn’t do for a good rice ball right now.” His brain helpfully informed him that the person he was most interested in seeing was absent. “Hey, where’s Ken?”  


He didn’t expect the profound change the seemingly innocent question had on his friends. Hikari and Takeru exchanged glances, while Miyako studiously looked away and Iori suddenly seemed very interested in Daisuke’s shoes.  


“What? Is something wrong with him?” Daisuke questioned, suddenly worried.  


“No....not really,” Takeru said. He sighed. “Ken didn’t want to come, Daisuke.”  


“What? Why not?” Daisuke felt a sudden pang in his heart. His best friend in the whole world, who he hadn’t seen in an entire long year, hadn’t wanted to come welcome him home. Daisuke found himself hoping desperately that something bad had happened to Ken, that he had a good excuse for not showing up.  


“He just....didn’t want to come,” Takeru said. “When I told him we were going to pick you up, he just shrugged. And when I asked him if he wanted to come along, he said no.”  


“B-but why?” Daisuke asked. “Did something happen?”  


The other four exchanged glances again and Daisuke felt suddenly very annoyed.  


“Stop doing that!” he said. “Just tell me what’s going on.”  


“You’ll see for yourself when we get back to the college,” Takeru said. “But.... well, Daisuke, a lot can change in a year....”  


~~~  


 _“Daisuke’s coming home today. Don’t you want to go see him?”_   


“No.”  


 _“I didn’t think so. Little bastard.”_   


“Go to hell.”  


 _“Too late.”_   


In disgust, Ken turned away from the mirror and the reflection that looked and sounded too much like the Kaiser for his tastes. But even though he looked away, the voice was still echoing in his head, taunting and cruel.  


 _“You don’t even want to welcome your best friend home. Tsk tsk. And you have the temerity to call_ me _a monster.”_  


“You are,” Ken said pointedly to the apparition that was now lounging about on his violet-sheeted bed, dangling a whip from one gloved hand. The Kaiser looked at him over his yellow sunglass frames.  


 _“Point taken. But at least one of us admits it.”_   


“Go screw yourself,” Ken said darkly as he opened a pack of cigarettes. Pulling a lighter from its proper place in one of his desk drawers, he lit a small flame and stared at it fixedly for a moment before lighting the cigarette and cutting off the flame.  


 _“You’re neurotic, you know,”_ the Kaiser said, leaning back and picking up a book of 18th Century British literature translated into Japanese. _“What kind of freak has his lighter lined up with his pencils grouped by color? What college dorm room is as neat as this? There’s no clothes on the floor and no beer in the fridge. It’s disgusting.”_ He idly flipped the pages of the book. _“And how can you read this crap?”_  


Ken didn’t answer, striding across the room to open the window. He took a puff of his cigarette, blowing the smoke from his mouth and watching it as it curled off through the sky.  


 _“You know that’s bad for you, Ken-chan.”_ Ken froze, then shook his head. He turned slightly and saw that Wormmon was now resting on the Kaiser’s chest. It wasn’t really Wormmon, he knew. The real Wormmon was in the Digital World, because the Chosen Children knew of no other way to keep their Digimon secret while they were in college beyond sending them home and visiting them every once in a while. Ken had been sorely tempted to have Wormmon return to the real world now that he had his own room, but the Kaiser had advised against it, and Ken found his advice sound. The last thing he needed was Wormmon crawling all over him, hovering like a surrogate parent.  


 _“But I love you, Ken-chan,”_ the apparition of Wormmon said sadly. _“You know that.”_  


“I can’t keep hiding behind you,” Ken said, feeling a little foolish to be explaining himself to a figment of his imagination. “You’ve been my shield for too long. I’ll deal with this _on my own.”_  


 _“That’s the way,”_ the Kaiser congratulated, clapping. He knocked Wormmon off his chest onto the floor. _“Show that damn bug who’s boss. We don’t need him.”_  


 _“Are you going to listen to him over me, Ken-chan?”_ Wormmon whimpered, tears running like blood from his eyes. The hand holding the cigarette suddenly began to tremble slightly.  


 _“Of course he is.”_ The Kaiser laughed and flipped Wormmon the finger. _“At least one of us has some balls. You don’t see me sitting here whining ‘Ken-chan, oh Ken-chan.’”_ He laughed again and held out a hand to Ken. _“Will you stop hogging the cigarettes?”_  


 _“Ken-chan, please stop this,”_ Wormmon pleaded. He walked over to Ken and rested on his foot. _“He’s not the answer to all your problems.”_  


“Go...away,” said Ken through clenched teeth. The hand that held the cigarette began to shake more violently.  


 _“But I know what is the answer to all your problems,”_ the Kaiser sneered. _“Let’s get drunk and go kill something. It’ll be fun.”_  


 _“Ken-chan....”_   


“Shut up!” Ken snapped, and the cigarette fell from his fingers, hitting the carpet and singeing it. Ken swore violently and stepped on it, then grabbed a paper towel and started to clean the ash away.  


 _“You shouldn’t swear, ‘Ken-chan,’”_ the Kaiser taunted.  


 _“Don’t act like this, Ken-chan. Everyone’s probably worried sick about you. They love you. Don’t you realize how much you’re hurting them? How much you’re hurting yourself?”_   


“Shut up,” Ken repeated, wiping uselessly at the ash.  


 _“Now, Ken--”_   


_“Ken-chan--”_   


“Shut up! Shut up!” Ken wiped at the ash more violently, fighting back sudden tears. “Damn it, why won’t this come off?”  


 _“Oh dear, the room’s not flawless anymore,”_ the Kaiser said in mock-horror.  


 _“A little spot won’t kill you, Ken-chan,”_ Wormmon said, nuzzling his foot.  


“Get away from me!” Ken kicked the Digimon away and stood, putting his hands over his ears and screwing his eyes shut. “Leave me alone, both of you! You’re not real! You’re--you’re only inside my head!”  


There was silence. Ken timidly opened his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. The room was empty.  


A knock on the door made him start. After a moment, he walked over and unlocked the door, then opened it a crack.  


“Who’s there?”  


“Ken.” Iori stood stoically in front of the door, arms crossed.  


“What?” Ken asked, not harshly, but not kindly either.  


“Daisuke’s back now. I came because I think you should be here to welcome him home. He was asking for you.”  


“Was he?” Ken’s voice unintentionally displayed the slightest bit of hope, which died like the fire of a cigarette and scattered ash on the carpet. “Too bad for him then.”  


“You don’t even want to say a simple hello to him?” Iori asked, obviously disapproving.  


“Why should I? He--” Ken stopped. “Tell him I couldn’t give a damn whether he’s back or not. I don’t want to see him.” He slammed the door in Iori’s face.  


 _“Well done. I knew you had it in you,”_ the Kaiser applauded from his spot on the bed.  


“Daisuke....” Ken’s gaze traveled back to the door for a moment. Hadn’t he waited for this? Those first few horrible months, hadn’t this been what he wanted?  


 _“He left you,”_ the Kaiser reminded him. _“He wasn’t there for you when you needed him. I was. Now come to bed.”_  


Ken’s haunted eyes stared at the door for just a moment longer, then he staggered over and fell on the bed. Wrapped in the Kaiser’s arms, he began to sob quietly.  


 _“Now, now, my dear,”_ the Kaiser purred, stroking Ken’s hair. _“Don’t cry. We’ll have a nice time, you and me....”_  



	2. A Lonely Voice

Wherever Ichijouji Ken walked, people scattered before him like leaves before a harsh wind. It wasn’t because they were awed by his intellect or humbled by his presence. It was because something was just plain unpleasant about being near Ken and it made people want to avoid him as much as possible. Which was fine with Ken, who had the disconcerting habit of starting like a frightened rabbit if anyone did so much as brush up against him.

Ken’s violet eyes, brimming with the same dark, roiling clouds associated with the worst of thunderstorms, were locked on his feet. They traced every pattern of the ground, ascertaining whether or not he was going in the right direction. He had little fear of running into anyone. He found that if you walked in a straight line with a manner that proclaimed you had no intention of deviating in your course, people would naturally swerve to avoid you. Somehow, the entire campus had inferred from the black clouds that perpetually surrounded Ken that here was a person who was not interested in stepping aside for anyone.

His backpack hung loosely from one shoulder, immaculate dark brown leather. There was no fraying of the fabric, no loose threads holding it together, no stray bits of paper sticking out. Ken thought with disgust that the Kaiser was right. He was neurotic.

 _“I told you,”_ laughed the Kaiser drunkenly, wrapping an arm companionably around Ken’s shoulders. Ken didn’t look up and didn’t answer. The Kaiser chuckled and took a long drink from the beer can he carried in his other hand. _“You know it’s sulky and girlish of you to ignore me, Ken.”_

“You don’t exist,” Ken said in a soft, flat tone, careful to only barely move his lips. If he was seen constantly talking to himself, he knew what that would mean. _That damn woman would have a field day._

 _“Is that any way--hic! ‘Scuse me--to talk to an old friend?”_ The Kaiser removed his glasses briefly to give Ken puppy dog eyes. _“You said you’d respect me in the morning.”_

 _Perfect,_ Ken thought, groaning inwardly. _Now not only are my delusions giving me bad advice, they’re getting drunk too. Even the figments of my imagination are enjoying college more than I am._

He paused as he reached the building where his first class was located. The Kaiser giggled drunkenly and rested his head on Ken’s shoulder. Ken’s lip curled and he walked inside, passed by the crowded elevator, and went to take the stairs. He stood for a moment in the empty stairwell, then turned to the Kaiser.

“You can’t come with me,” he said severely. “I have class. I can’t be acting like this in front of people, you know what’ll happen. That damn woman will hear about it and then we’ll both be psycho-analyzed to death.”

 _“You don’t love me anymore!”_ the Kaiser whimpered. _“I knew it. It was all just a ploy to take advatalidge--I mean, vantadage--er, advantage of my virtue.”_

“That’s another thing,” Ken said, feeling supremely foolish to be scolding one of his own fevered illusions. “You can’t be getting drunk and acting like this around me. What if someone saw me in here? Now get out of here!”

 _“You’re no fun. I’m going to see if I can find that blasted worm and see what happens if I pour some of this stuff down his throat.”_ The Kaiser shook the half empty can and smirked wickedly. “ _Sure you don’t want to come?”_

“No,” Ken said stoically. He closed his eyes. “Go away.”

 _“Well, if you’re going to be like that...”_ Ken felt chill lips brush across his cheek, like the touch of a dead person. He took a deep breath, steeled himself, and opened his eyes.

He stood alone in the stairwell.

“Finally,” Ken muttered. Shouldering his backpack, he morosely trudged up the stairs, reflecting on how insane he must have become and why nobody seemed to notice.

 _Why should they? Nobody gives a damn about Ichijouji Ken. I’m just....there. Floating loosely in the infinite space, the constant face in the crowd, the original wallflower. Seen but not really. The one nobody wants to acknowledge, because they all know how alone I am but they’re all self-centered bitches so they don’t care enough to even_ attempt _to notice me._

He shook his head and made his way to class. He liked to arrive early in order to have his pick of seats. He felt uncomfortable sitting next to someone, so he took a seat where hopefully no one would sit next to him and all would be fine. He was just pulling a red-covered notebook and a mechanical pencil out of his backpack when a presence in the doorway attracted his attention. He glanced up out of the corner of his eye and froze.

Daisuke stood in the doorway, and he was staring directly at Ken.

~~~

Daisuke was surprised at how much of the campus he had forgotten. He had actually been forced to dig out his map to find his building. He passed Hikari and Miyako on the way to class and waved brightly to them, then sprinted for the elevator. It closed just before he could enter, so he had waited for it to come back down. The thought of using the stairs had never crossed his mind.

Then he had entered class and found, of all people, Ichijouji Ken sitting by himself in the corner.

Daisuke couldn’t help but stare, his heart leaping into his throat. Iori had told him how Ken had refused to come see him, and he admitted that it had hurt. He had hoped to try and find Ken’s room after class was over, to talk with him privately. He hadn’t expected to find Ken in one of his classes, and he hadn’t expected his friend to have changed so much in a single year.

Ken’s hair had grown slightly longer, but it was still in the same old style that had always made him look a bit like a girl. His skin was even paler than normal, and Daisuke was concerned to see that Ken seemed to have gotten thinner as well. He reminded Daisuke of those thin, consumptive female heroines one of the girls in America had been constantly reading about in her romance novels. There were shadows lingering in his eyes, which had a strange, almost glassy look to them. He was wearing a black shirt and black jeans, both of which were partly obscured by the long black coat he wore that went down to his ankles. For some reason, Daisuke had expected the shirt to look ragged and the jeans to be full of holes, but Ken’s outfit was immaculate. The shirt was even tucked in. Matching the theme of the rest of his outfit, Ken wore a pair of black sneakers without the slightest bit of dirt on them. It was as if he had cleaned them diligently before even considering wearing them. Ken’s hair was combed so that no stray bits of hair dared show themselves out of their proper place. To outside observers, this may have been nothing special or especially interesting. But to Daisuke, who had known Ken since they were both eleven, that extreme neatness seemed to be a sign in itself that something wasn’t quite right. Looking at Ken and comparing this teenager to the one he remembered, Daisuke could read all sorts of worrisome things in his looks. Even the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed in soft, light gasps told Daisuke that something was seriously wrong with Ken. The boy’s entire body had a flat, unreal look, like a picture in a magazine.

Ken had apparently noticed him, as the other boy had frozen in mid-movement when Daisuke had walked in. Determination creased Daisuke’s features and he took a step towards Ken. Ken was sitting on the end of the row of desks, with an empty seat on one side and the wall on the other. Daisuke stared fixedly at the empty seat. He would get to the bottom of this.

Ken saw him coming. Daisuke felt a sharp, unidentifiable pain in his chest as Ken pointedly placed his backpack on the chair beside him, effectively informing Daisuke that the seat was most certainly taken.

 _I don’t get it,_ Daisuke thought, hurt radiating behind his eyes. _What happened to make you act like this Ken? Did I do something, or....?_

Mind reeling, he wandered over and grabbed a seat behind and to the right of Ken. He couldn’t help but stare at his friend in open concern. The shadows around Ken were reminding Daisuke ominously of the Kaiser. Ken, apparently aware of Daisuke’s scrutiny, ducked his head and suddenly seemed very interested in the blank pages of his notebook.

Daisuke was ripped out of his thoughts as the teacher walked in. She was tall and slim, with black hair tied up in bun. She smiled brightly at the class, who, by bits and pieces, began to quiet. Ken ignored her presence completely and began idly sketching something on the back cover of his notebook.

“Hello class, and welcome to Early Japanese history. If this isn’t the class you signed up for, I suggest you leave now.” There was a slight rustling as a boy in the back of the room attempted to exit without being seen. A titter of amusement ran through the room. Daisuke noticed that Ken’s lip curled in something resembling disgust.

“Anyone else?” the teacher asked. No one moved. “Good. My name is Dr.Tsuwari. I believe I’ve had a few of you for other classes.” Her eyes traveled briefly to Ken, who continued to doggedly ignore her. “Anyway, I thought we would start by introducing ourselves. We can go around the room. I want each of you to give your name and what year you’re in, and maybe tell us something about yourself. I think we’ll start on this end.” She looked straight at Ken, who stared impassively back at her.

“Ichijouji Ken,” he said curtly. “Junior. That’s all you really need to know." Then he returned his attention to his notebook. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before the next person closest to Ken started with their introduction.

Daisuke’s eyes softened as he watched Ken. This was wrong, he knew. He could see anguish and sharp loneliness pouring off Ken in waves, a muted cry for help. Daisuke wondered how nobody could have seen it. Ken was collapsing in upon himself again. It was so plain to Daisuke’s eyes. He could almost see the invisible scar running across Ken’s body, burned deep into the flesh like a brand.

“Hey, it’s your turn.” An elbow nudged him and Daisuke jumped. He hadn’t been paying attention. Nervously rubbing the back of his head, he said,

“O-oh, right. I knew that. I’m Motomiya Daisuke, I’m a junior, and, uh, I just spent the last year studying in America so I’m still gettin’ used to everything again.” He blushed in embarrassment and squirmed in his seat, then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ken looking at him. He turned to meet that tortured gaze, but Ken immediately turned away again.

 _What is_ up _with him?_ Daisuke wondered, his mind wandering again. _He refuses to come see me and he doesn’t want me to sit next to him, and then he’s stealing glances when I’m not looking at him. Is he mad at me, or does he think I’m mad at him, or....what?_

All through class it was a chore to pay attention. Daisuke’s eyes kept traveling over to Ken, and whenever he looked away he could almost feel Ken’s gaze upon him. It was hard to concentrate with the weight of that violet stare lingering over him.

 _This sucks,_ he thought bitterly. _All I wanted was to come home and to have everything be the same. I want my Ken back, dammit! I couldn’t wait to see him again the whole time I was in America. I kept wondering how he was doing, why he didn’t write anymore._ One hand slipped down to touch his backpack. Those ten letters were still tied with ribbon inside the pack. He carried them with him everywhere. _At this rate, that’s the only remnant of my Ken I’m gonna have left. I have to talk to Takeru after class. I need to know what happened to make Ken so distant._

Class finally ended. Daisuke gathered up his things slowly, his mind uncomfortably full. As he slowly trudged out the door, he heard the voice of the teacher behind him.

“Ichijouji-san. A moment of your time, please.”

Daisuke couldn’t help it. He darted around the other side of the door and leaned against the wall. Part of him complained that eavesdropping was probably not a good idea; Ken would be livid if he found out. But Daisuke didn’t care. He needed to know what was wrong with Ken, and any clues were welcome. He leaned in a bit and listened.

~~~~

“Ichijouji-san. A moment of your time, please.”

Ken stiffened. _Why does she have to bother me? Is it too much to ask that I be left in peace?_ His worried eyes traveled to the door just in time to see Daisuke make his exit. _At least this way I won’t have to deal with_ him.

“Is something wrong?” Ken asked, taking only a second to fix his mask in place. Cold, efficient, crisply polite. The Kaiser’s mask, he had found, was always the easiest to pull on in times of trouble.

“Are you feeling all right?” Dr. Tsuwari asked kindly. “Last semester I noticed you seemed very withdrawn, and it seems that nothing’s changed over the summer. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. No trouble at home or anything like that?”

“No, Dr. Tsuwari,” Ken said with false calmness. _Just let me go, dammit! I don’t want to talk. It’s hard enough keeping this up in front of that damn woman. I don’t need it here too._

“Ken....” Dr. Tsuwari shook her head. “This behavior can’t be good for you.”

“I fail to see the reason why you’re bothering me,” Ken said. “My behavior has in no way interfered with my schoolwork, unlike many of my peers. You said yourself that I got the highest grade anyone has ever received in your class. So why are you concerned?”

“It’s your well-being, not your grades, that I’m worried about,” Dr. Tsuwari said, tapping her foot. “I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you, if you need someone to talk to.”

“I have a therapist, Dr. Tsuwari,” Ken reminded her, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Yes. I’ve heard.” She sighed. “Well, I won’t keep you any longer. But you might want to try to make some friends in class, Ken. I’m sure they would be glad to get to know you. That one boy, what was his name, Daisuke? Yes, that’s right. He seemed to be staring at you during class, and I noticed you looking at him quite a bit as well.”

Ken froze, his eyes shrinking to fathomless purple dots. For a moment, the mask cracked and fell away, and Ken started to tremble slightly. He took a deep breath and composed himself.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. And now, if you don’t mind, I have places to be.” With that, Ken turned and strode out of the room.

Daisuke leaped back and dived into the nearest empty room as Ken strode out of the room. Daisuke’s eyes followed the other boy down the hall until he was out of sight. Then Daisuke breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back out into plain view. He leaned on the wall and sighed.

“Is there something I can help you with?” Daisuke jumped as Dr. Tsuwari peered around the door at him.

“Ah! Uh, um, no, nothing, I was just....” Daisuke’s voice trailed off as he looked back down the hall where Ken had gone.

“Were you listening in on a private conversation?” Dr. Tsuwari raised an eyebrow and Daisuke shifted nervously. “Take my advice, that’s not a very good way to get into Ichijouji-san’s good graces.”

“I know, I was just--” Daisuke shook his head. “We were friends, you know.”

“Hmm?” Dr. Tsuwari looked at him in surprise.

“Ken and I. We’ve been best pals since we were eleven. Then I go off to America for a year, and look what I come back to. I don’t understand. What happened to him? That’s not the Ken I remember.” Daisuke couldn’t help but look miserable. “I missed him. I still do. If only I knew what happened...”

“You’ll have to talk to Ichijouji-san about that,” Dr. Tsuwari said seriously. She smiled slightly at Daisuke. “Don’t give up on him. I have a feeling that what Ichijouji-san could use more than anything else right now is a friend.”

“Yeah. That’s what I was thinking.” Daisuke sighed well. “Well, uh, I better go. Sorry about eavesdropping and all.”

“It’s all right,” Dr. Tsuwari said. “Go on.” As Daisuke hurried off down the hall, she smiled softly to herself. “And good luck, Motomiya-kun.”


	3. Falling Farther In

The medical building was white and clean. The walls were white. The carpet was white. The entire place was so sterilized that it made Ken want to puke.

He was currently sitting in the waiting room. Only two others were there with him; he barely even glanced at them. No doubt they had their own appointments with the school therapist. Her name was Dr. Masanori, though she told her patients to call her Rika. Ken privately preferred to call her ‘that damn woman.’

The door to the therapist’s office creaked open and a somber-looking boy trudged out. Ken gritted his teeth and hoped that he wasn’t next.

“Ichijouji Ken?”

“Coming.” _Damn!_ Ken seethed inwardly. He hated these sessions.

 _“You want me to come in with you and hold your hand?”_ The Kaiser taunted behind him, flipping through a magazine.

 _“I could help you, Ken-chan,”_ put in Wormmon, who was weaving somewhat drunkenly at the Kaiser’s feet. The Kaiser laughed and kicked him into the wall.

Ken shut his eyes, shook his head slightly, and walked into the therapist’s office.

Dr. Masanori looked up at him over her spectacles. Ken had noticed that she rarely ever looked _through_ the glasses. He was of the opinion that she only wore the spectacles because she thought that all therapists were supposed to.

“Sit down, Ken.” She gestured to the couch. Ken sullenly walked over and lay down.

 _Why can’t I just sit in a regular chair for once?_ he thought bitterly. _It would at least make me feel less like I was getting my brain picked._

“I know you haven’t had many classes today, but are things going well for you so far?” Dr. Masanori questioned.

“Everything’s fine,” said Ken in a flat voice.

“Everything?” Ken nodded and the therapist quickly scribbled something down. “How have you been feeling lately? No violent episodes?”

“No. Nothing,” Ken lied glibly. There was no way he was going to tell her about the constant illusions that plagued him. She’d send him to a mental institute for certain, or at the very least drag in more doctors to dig about in his psyche. Ken already knew that he was messed up, he didn’t need twenty doctors to tell him.

“No delusions or anything of the sort?”

“No.”

“Nightmares?”

“No.”

“Any dreams at all?”

Ken paused. This was a trick question. If he said no, she might take it as having a bad meaning and start asking other, more intrusive questions. If he said yes, she would expect him to elaborate. Ken’s fertile mind quickly brought up a solution.

“I believe so, yes, but when I wake up I have no recollection of them.”

“I see.” Dr. Masanori chewed on the end of her pencil and then wrote something down. Ken couldn’t resist a smile.

 _Beat her at her own game,_ he thought triumphantly. _I don’t want to talk, can’t she see that? Stupid cow._

“I heard that one of your friends is home from a year in America. Motomiya Daisuke, wasn’t it?”

Ken started. _Daisuke! How could she know about Daisuke? I-I’m certain that I_ never--

“Yes, I can see by your face that I’m correct.” Ken cursed mentally and swiftly brought his shields back up. “Your friends mentioned him when I talked to them. Takaishi claims the real change in your behavior came after Daisuke left. Is that correct?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Takeru?” Ken’s tone was scathing. The therapist had called all his friends in, one by one, in the name of helping him. Ken couldn’t help but feel betrayed. He had trusted them, and they had told this harpy almost everything she wanted to know.

 _They just wanted to help you,_ a voice uncomfortably like Wormmon’s whispered from the deepest recesses of his mind. _They were worried._

 _Then they should have come to me!_ Ken screamed back. _Me, not her! I would have told them whatever they liked. There’s no excuse for breaking my trust like that!_

“Ken? Are you okay?”

Ken realized with a start that he had been silent too long. His brain scrambled for an explanation.

“I’m a little tired, doctor. I was up late last night.”

“Trouble sleeping?” Dr. Masanori questioned.

“I was reading a particularly fascinating book,” Ken replied. No need to tell her about his nightmares. No need to tell her he had spent half the night wrapped in the arms of a dangerous lover he had created in his own head.

“Really? About what?”

“I don’t see how that question has any relevance as to my mental health, doctor.”

Dr. Masanori frowned. Ken was always her most difficult patient. He always answered her in short, clipped sentences, and his face was closed and locked like a safe. He seemed determined not to let her know anything.

“Ken, you know that there’s no way I can help you if you don’t talk to me,” she said to him. Ken sneered.

“Who says I _need_ help?” he asked. “My behavior’s been almost impeccable since....”

“Since the incident, I know.” Dr. Masanori bobbed her head, still scribbling something on her notepad. “But I have reason to believe that you’re still hiding things from me that could be dangerous and unhealthy in the long run. So we will continue these sessions until you stop hiding behind that little mask of yours and actually talk to me, understand?”

“What if I don’t want to?” Ken hissed. “Why is it that no one ever seems to think that I can handle my own problems?”

“So you feel that others find you too inadequate to deal with your problems?” the doctor asked. “And this has been bothering you for a while?”

“I didn’t say that,” Ken said through clenched teeth.

“Have you talked to any of your friends about this?” Dr. Masanori pressed. “Or are they trying to handle your problems as well?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ken said succinctly, turning over so he wouldn’t have to look at her.

“I won’t disappear just because you aren’t looking at me, Ken,” the therapist told him. “There are obviously things that are bothering you. If you continue to keep them bottled up like this, something’s bound to give.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s my choice to do as please.”

“It matters when it affects those around you, Ken.” The doctor leaned in close. “Stop being obstinate.”

“Stop being nosy.”

“Ken...” Sighing in exasperation, Dr. Masanori put a hand on Ken’s shoulder. He immediately dived away, landing in a defensive crouch on the other side of the couch.

“Don’t touch me!” he snapped. The therapist stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, then swiftly wrote something down on her notepad.

“I see.”

Ken stared at her with wide violet eyes, his teeth clenched. He wasn’t even aware that he was trembling lightly.

“Ken? Would you like to sit back down now?” Dr. Masanori looked at him over her spectacles. Ken stayed in his defensive position a moment longer, then relaxed a bit and sat back down on the couch. In his head he was cursing a blue streak, angered at the reaction that he hadn’t been able to control.

 _The Kaiser could have controlled it,_ he thought bitterly. _When I was the Kaiser I never had to deal with any of this. I didn’t have to worry about the inadequacies. I didn’t have to deal with my failures staring me in the face. I was perfect. Like a statue carved of marble. Smooth, polished, and cold as stone._

“Was there any reason for that reaction?” Dr. Masanori questioned the silent boy. “Were you afraid that I was going to hurt you?”

“I just don’t like to be touched, doctor,” Ken said in dangerous tones.

“Indeed. Tell me, Ken, was there any incident, in your childhood perhaps, that could have brought on such a reaction?”

“I know what you’re insinuating, and no. Aren’t I allowed to just not want to be touched? Does there always have to be a deeper meaning behind it?”

“Ken...” For what had to be the tenth time that session, Dr. Masanori sighed. “All right. I can see that you’re in one of your moods today. You can go.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Ken rose, bowed respectfully to her, and exited.

Dr. Masanori chewed on the end of her pencil and thought. She had learned the hard way how pointless it was to try and drag answers out of Ken by force. If he didn’t want to talk, pressing him only made things worse. Still, he had managed to give her one important piece of information. She glanced down at the name written and circled twice on her notepad.

 _Motomiya Daisuke._

As she prepared for her next patient, Dr. Masanori wrote out a quick reminder to herself to arrange a meeting with Daisuke as soon as possible.

~~~~

Takeru was lying on his back kicking the bottom of Daisuke’s bunk when his roommate burst in.

“Takeru!”

The urgency in Daisuke’s voice surprised Takeru and he sat up quickly, knocking his head on the upper bunk.

“Ittai...” Rubbing his head, Takeru glared at his friend. “This had better be important, Daisuke.”

“I need you to tell me about Ken,” Daisuke said seriously, slipping into a chair and staring intently at his roommate.

“He used to the Digimon Kaiser,” Takeru said, raising an eyebrow. “He’s your jogress partner. He--”

“You know what I mean!” Daisuke said, annoyed. “What happened to him? He was in one of my classes and he completely gave me the cold shoulder! And then I, erm, _overheard_ the teacher talking to him after class, and she said something about him having a therapist and stuff. What _happened?”_

Takeru sighed and shook his head.

“Well, I figured I’d have to tell you eventually. The thing is, I don’t know _what_ to tell you.” He glanced up at Daisuke. “The problem is, none of know exactly what happened. You see, by the time you mentioned that you were spending the next year abroad, it was already time to pick out roommates for the next year. I figured that you and Ken would be rooming, so I told my friend Tsuyoshi, from my Literature class, that I’d room with him. When you said you were leaving, Ken had no choice but to let himself get put with a random roommate. And....well, you know Ken, Daisuke. I doubt he really tried to warm up to his new roommate.

Everything seemed okay, at first. We all could tell that Ken missed you, so we tried to keep him from being lonely. And it seemed to work, until the annual Fall Dance. I went with Hikari, and Miyako brought her boyfriend-of-the moment. But Ken came alone. We talked to him and tried to make sure he was included, but they started playing music and the girls wanted to dance. Ken said it was okay, so we went out onto the dance floor. Sometime between songs, he slipped out and spent the rest of the night, I assume, alone in his dorm.

Things pretty much went like that for the next month or so. Ken started getting more depressed and lonely, and, well, we were all too busy with our own stuff to really notice. Ken’s always been quiet anyway, so it was hard to tell that anything was wrong.”

“ _I_ would’ve noticed,” Daisuke grumbled. Takeru nodded grimly.

“I know. But the rest of us can’t read Ken like you can, Daisuke. We’re his friends, but he never opened up to us the way he did to you. I mean, after all, you were his _first_ friend. The rest of us just slowly warmed up to him.

Anyway, eventually Ken stopped eating with us at lunch. He would eat alone instead. Miyako, Hikari and I each tried to convince him to come sit with us again, but he argued that he was just putting a damper on our conversation. We thought he might get mad if we pushed him any more, so we let him be.” Takeru paused.

“Then what happened?” Daisuke prompted.

“I really don’t know,” Takeru admitted. “All I can tell you is, one night about a month and a half after you had gone, Ken got in a fight with some other guys. I don’t know why or over what, because Ken wouldn’t tell us. You see, that night Hikari, Miyako and I managed to drag Ken out of his room to a party on campus. Sometime during the party Ken managed to give us the slip and leave. These guys followed him out, cornered him somewhere out of the way, and tried to beat him up. I don’t know the specifics of what happened because Ken wouldn’t say, but apparently he just flipped out and started defending himself.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Daisuke questioned. “I mean, what’s the point of being a black belt if you can’t use what you learned?”

“This was different, Daisuke,” Takeru said. “Ken didn’t just flip these guys over his head and knock them out or anything. He _pounded_ them. Campus security heard the noise and found Ken covered in his blood and theirs just beating these guys to a pulp. Everyone, Ken included, had to go to the hospital. The only reason Ken wasn’t prosecuted was because it was pretty much in self defense. But he had to get a pysch evaluation before he could come back to school, and he had to make regular sessions with the school therapist.

After that, Ken just...shut down. It was like he stopped caring about anything. You’ve seen it: it’s almost like he’s the Digimon Kaiser again. He seemed practically emotionless, until the day before winter break. From what I’ve heard, Ken called the infirmary saying his roommate needed help. When they arrived, they found his roommate beaten half to a pulp and Ken crouched in a ball in the corner, shaking uncontrollably. He had started to slit his own wrists, but apparently stopped before he could cut too deep.

Ken didn’t come back to school until nearly a month after break was over. I heard he was in the hospital for a few days, then he was under psychiatric evaluation for a while after that until he was deemed well enough to come back to school. He was given a new roommate, some kid who worked as a peer counselor and I guess was supposed to keep an eye on him. After the incident with his first roommate, though, Ken’s behavior was fine. He didn’t freak out or try to harm anyone. But...”

“But he’s still not his old self,” Daisuke finished.

“I’d say he _is_ his old self,” Takeru disagreed. “His old _Kaiser_ self. You’ve seen his eyes, Daisuke. They’re cold. And he barely even talks to Wormmon, who’s been worried sick about him. He won’t talk to any of us, no matter how hard we try. It’s like he _wants_ to be alone.”

“He didn’t look good,” Daisuke said. “He was really pale, even more so than usual....and he looked even thinner than before.”

“I think he’s starting to unravel,” a serious voice said from behind them. Iori stood in the doorway, arms crossed.

“What do you mean?” Daisuke asked.

“You know what I mean,” Iori said gravely, walking over to stand near the bed. “I went to see him yesterday, after we picked you up. Before I knocked, I could hear him talking to someone inside his room. But I didn’t see anything when he opened the door. I think that everything is catching up with him very quickly, and he may be close to snapping again.”

“You think he’s gonna go Kaiser on us?” Daisuke asked, surprised.

“No.” Iori shook his head. “I don’t think he’ll do anything. I think he’ll just let himself slip into the darkness until it’s too late to pull him out of it, and then he’ll just self-destruct completely.”

“I won’t let that happen!” Daisuke leapt to his feet.

“None of us want to see that happen,” Takeru added. “Though you probably have the best chance of reaching him, Daisuke. The rest of us certainly haven’t had any luck.”

“Yeah....” Daisuke sighed. “But I’m not sure if Ken wants me to talk to him or not. I mean, he was acting like he didn’t even care that I was in his class at first, and then he started staring at me. It’s....weird. I don’t know if he wants me to talk to him, or if he doesn’t want anything to do with me, or....” His throat constricted. _I don’t know if he even wants to be my friend anymore._

“In case you haven’t noticed, Daisuke, it’s not just you,” Takeru pointed out. “I don’t think Ken wants to talk to _anybody._ Miyako tried to force him to talk to her about a month before school was out and he wouldn’t say a word. Finally he pretty much pushed her out of the room and slammed the door in her face. He’s not exactly Mr. Social at the moment.”

Daisuke sat in uncharacteristic silence for a moment before nodding decisively.

“I’m gonna talk to him,” he stated. “Where’s his room?”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Iori’s green eyes regarded him solemnly. “If you push him, he might just close up even more.”

“That won’t happen,” Daisuke said. “Ken and I were-- _are_ \--best friends. And partners, too. He’ll talk to me.”

“He doesn’t talk to Wormmon,” Takeru pointed out.

“This is different! I’m telling you, he’ll listen to me. Besides, I thought you wanted me to help him!” Daisuke glared at his two friends.

“I think you should wait for him to come to you,” Iori said. “A confrontation won’t solve anything. Slowly get closer to him and maybe he’ll start opening up to you. After all, it wasn’t until your absence that he started acting this way. Your presence might eventually bring him back to his old self.”

“I’m not going to wait for that!” Daisuke said. “Now give me his room number or I’ll go find it myself!”

Takeru sighed and conceded defeat.

“Room 101, Akai Hall. But I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Hmmph. You’ll see.” Daisuke hurried out of the room. _I’ll show them. Ken will listen to me, I know he will. Then things’ll be just like before and I’ll have my best friend back. Everything will be fine again._

 _It has to be._


	4. Dark Time

Ken sat on the edge of his bed, a lit cigarette in his hand. His eyes were half-closed and focused solely on the burning end of the cigarette so that he wouldn’t have to look at the apparition pacing in front of him.

 _“The way I see it, you’re a damn coward,”_ the Kaiser explained. _“Running away from that insect Motomiya. He can’t do anything to us.”_

Ken didn’t reply.

 _“He left you, after all,”_ the Kaiser added. _“Didn’t even see fit to tell you more than a few months in advance. Who knows, maybe he was thinking about it all year, about how much he wanted to leave you behind--”_

“No!” Ken snapped, then, ashamed of his weakness, lowered his head.“He--he couldn’t.”

 _“He wanted to leave you,”_ the Kaiser hissed, leaning down so that his cold breath touched Ken’s cheek. _“Why deny it? You know he wanted to get away from you. You’re so....clingy. So helpless without him. It’s pathetic. When he told you he was going, you waited until he left the room and then sobbed into your pillow like a damn girl. Like a little girl who had her dolly taken away. It was disgusting. And then, the day he left, you locked yourself in your room and sobbed like the weakling you are. What happened to the Ichijouji Ken that no one could touch? The marble genius? Reduced to sad sack of weeping flesh. It makes me want to puke!”_

Ken kept his head bowed. Enraged, the Kaiser slapped him. Ken’s head jerked to the side, then returned to its submissive position, as if he hadn’t the will to resist the blow. Ken took another puff on the cigarette.

 _“You make me sick. Always crying like a five year-old. Why don’t you have any will of your own, Ichijouji?”_ the Kaiser growled. _“He’s only one boy. So why do you let him have power over you? You don’t need him. You have me. I’m the one who protected you when he left you broken by the wayside, adrift alone in a relentless sea of existence. And did he even care? Did he ever apologize? No. He just expected you to take it and be happy. And you, my dear bedraggled kitten, slammed your door and cried. Without me, you would’ve let the hole he left consume you. I dragged you out. I gave you power. I am the only one who gives a damn what happens to you, do you understand?”_

“I--” Ken stopped and brought the cigarette up to his lips one more time. “I’m not letting him get to me.”

 _“But you_ are. _You wanted to talk to him today, didn’t you?”_ The Kaiser took Ken’s silence as an affirmative. _“You see? Have you forgotten those days and nights of loneliness? Have you forgotten the way you had to hold back tears every moment to keep the others from ridiculing you? You may have, but I haven’t. I rescued you from all that, and now you’re falling right back into his web like a good little fly should.”_

“It’s not like that!” Ken argued, getting to his feet. “I don’t plan on letting him anywhere near me.”

 _“That’s a good boy.”_ The Kaiser pressed himself up against Ken, his lips inches from the other boy’s. _“Now, tell me you love me.”_

“I--I--” Ken stuttered weakly. The Kaiser ran a gloved hand along on his cheek.

 _“Go on, pet. Say it.”_

“I....I love you,” Ken said quietly.

 _“That’s a good dear.”_ The Kaiser kissed him, dry lips devoid of any warmth. _“And what do you think of Motomiya?”_

“I--” Ken stopped and shook his head. “No.”

 _“Tell me,”_ the Kaiser ordered, his voice cold.

“I....I h-h--”

 _“You what?”_ The Kaiser’s voice was vaguely threatening, and the hand that had been running along Ken’s forearm suddenly stopped its soft caress and grasped the skin roughly.

“I hate him,” Ken whispered brokenly. “I hate him!”

 _“Yes,”_ the Kaiser purred, pulling him close. _“Exactly. That’s it exactly.”_

Ken closed his eyes and was about to surrender himself to the Kaiser’s touch when someone knocked on the door. In less than a second the semi-transparent form of the Kaiser disappeared and Ken stumbled, nearly falling. The person at the door knocked again.

“C-coming!” Ken shouted, trying to get himself back in order. He ran a hand through his hair and smoothed out his coat, then repositioned his mask and strode towards the door, unlocking it and opening it a crack. “What do you--”

He stopped, mouth suddenly dry. Daisuke was standing in the hall, staring up belligerently at him. Ken hurriedly tried to close the door, but it was too late. Daisuke stuck his foot in the crack and started to force the door open. He was stronger than Ken, who helplessly sunk into a chair as Daisuke strode into the room and closed the door.

“Geez, Ken, what was that for?” Daisuke asked. “I just want to talk to you, you don’t need to slam the door in my face.”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to _you,_ ” Ken said coldly. Daisuke flinched, those words had stung. The Kaiser suddenly appeared, lying seductively on Ken’s desk and applauding Ken’s response.

 _“That’s exactly the way, love,”_ he encouraged. _“Tell the nasty boy what you think of him and then you and I will have playtime.”_

“Ken--” Daisuke struggled with his inner feelings and sighed. “All right. What’d I do? Tell me, and I’ll apologize and fix it and stuff. I just want us to be friends again, okay?”

“I think it’s far too late for that,” Ken said stiffly. “You can leave now.”

“At least tell me what I did wrong!” Daisuke said. “C’mon, Ken, please? I wanna fix things. I wanna help you.”

 _“Help_ me?” Ken wrinkled his nose and got to his feet, turning away for a moment before whirling to face Daisuke again with burning eyes. “Is that it, then? You want to.... _help_ me? _Everyone_ wants to help me!” He violently crushed his cigarette into the nearby ashtray. “I’m sick of it, do you understand? I’m sick of _all_ of you and your stupid, whining, pathetic _help!_ Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t _need_ help? That maybe--that maybe I’m happy with things being the way they are!”

There was a long period of silence after this declaration, broken only by Ken’s heavy breathing. The Kaiser slithered off the desk and wrapped his arms around Ken’s waist, kissing his neck softly. Ken shivered slightly at the touch.

Daisuke, meanwhile, was watching Ken in confusion and worry. He could see Ken moving his neck slightly as if someone was touching him, but there was no one there. Ken’s eyes were flickering to the empty space to his right, as if he saw something that Daisuke couldn’t.

“You can’t be happy like this, Ken,” Daisuke said slowly. “You--oh, hell, I’ll just say it--you’re acting like when you were the Kaiser, and--and I’m afraid that maybe you’re gonna end up hurting yourself if you keep this up. I don’t want that to happen. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before I left.”

“But it can’t,” Ken replied coldly, squirming a bit as the Kaiser’s hands moved down his chest, lips kissing his cheek. “When you left, I found myself with a choice to make. I made it. I _like_ it.”

“I know you don’t.” Daisuke looked him in the face. “I know when you’re lying, Ken. I always have. You can fool everyone else, you can fool yourself, but you can’t fool me. Something happened while I was gone and you want me to fix it, but--but you won’t let me. Why?”

“I told you. I like it this way.” Ken choked for a moment as the Kaiser kissed him on the lips, then moved back to kissing his neck.

“Ken? Why do you keep moving like that?” Daisuke stared.

“Like what?” Ken snapped.

“You’re acting really weird...” Daisuke shook his head. “Let’s just talk, okay? I promise I won’t try to, uh, help you or anything. We can just talk. That’s okay, right?”

“Get out,” Ken replied. “I don’t want to talk. As far as I’m concerned, I hope I never see you again.”

 _“My, my, aggressive today, aren’t we?”_ the Kaiser murmured, blowing in Ken’s ear. _“I like it.”_

“But Ken--” Daisuke tried again.

“Shut up! I told you to leave.” Ken glared at him. Daisuke stared despondently back, then turned to go.

“A-all right. But I’m not gonna give up on you Ken. That’s just not something I can do.” With that, Daisuke turned and left the room, closing the door behind him and wondering why his face suddenly felt so wet.

Ken stared at the closed door for a moment, barely breathing. He had started shaking again, and tears began to run down his cheeks.

 _“You damn weakling!”_ An unexpected backhand from the Kaiser sent Ken sprawling. Ken collapsed on the bed as the Kaiser began to rage at him. _“Is this what all your strength amounts to? You play my role to his eyes and then slip back into your own and cry again in solitude? You deserve all that you get. Believe me, pet, you can’t keep up a double role for very long. We will be one, or you will shrivel into nothing!”_ Ken raised his head slightly, trying and failing to fight his tears. The Kaiser sneered at him. “ _You are the most pathetic insect I’ve ever seen. Spend the rest of the night crying into your pillow, I don’t care. I’m going to go get drunk and play some poker with Oikawa and Vamdemon.”_ With that, the Kaiser disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

Ken struggled for an elusive breath as he rolled onto his side, battling with the illusions in his head. Wormmon appeared out of nowhere, nuzzling the pale, trembling hands.

 _“I told you he wasn’t good for you, Ken-chan,”_ the illusion whispered. _“So why does he still hold you bound?”_

“I don’t know,” Ken choked out. “I-I wanted to tell Daisuke everything, I really did--but I can’t. He _left_ me, he didn’t even care about me and I was all alone again, cold and alone with-with only the Kaiser to turn to for help--”

 _“You have me,”_ Wormmon reminded him. _“You have all the other Chosen Children. How can you be alone?”_

“Because--because he’s the only one who ever made me feel like part of something. The only one I ever felt the connection with, the beating of a heart--He flew across the sea and our hearts couldn’t beat in time anymore--” Ken closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

 _“Things will get better soon,”_ Wormmon promised. “ _Don’t cry, Ken-chan.”_

Ken whimpered and reached for Wormmon; his hand passed through the illusion as if--

 _\--As if it wasn’t there at all._

Curling himself into a ball, Ken sobbed quietly and for once wished that he had something substantial to hold onto.

~~~

Takeru lay with his head against the pillow, his eyes half-closed. The bed was so comfy, and he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. He sighed and turned onto his back, closing his eyes and preparing to let sleep overtake him.....

SLAM!

Takeru half-jumped as Daisuke stalked in, looking ragged, his cheeks stained with half-dried tears.

“I....take it things didn’t go well?” Takeru ventured. Daisuke sighed and collapsed into a chair, running his hands through his unruly hair.

“No...I think I just made things worse.” Daisuke shook his head. “I’m so _stupid!_ You and Iori _told_ me not to, you warned me and I didn’t listen and Ken....Ken....” He looked up at Takeru, eyes full of despair. “He said he never wanted to see me again. He kicked me out of his room.....I don’t know if I can fix things this time.”

“Don’t despair, Daisuke,” Takeru tried to reassure him. “Just give Ken some time to cool down. I’m sure he didn’t mean whatever it was he said.”

“Easy for you to say, Mr. Child of Hope.” Daisuke leaned back in the chair. “I don’t get it. I wasn’t gone that long. It was only a year. So how’d this happen? I thought he’d be fine without me.”

“I think you underestimated how much he liked you, Daisuke,” Takeru ventured. “I mean, you _were_ the first to forgive him after the Kaiser fiasco, and you’ve pretty much stuck by him ever since. Last year was the first time he’d ever been away from you and....well, you know Ken. He’s shy and he’s nervous around people. When you left I guess he felt like he was all alone in the world and he got....scared.”

“But it wasn’t like I died or anything!” Daisuke argued. “I was just across an ocean, that’s all. And we wrote letters and talked on the phone. It wasn’t like I ran off because I couldn’t stand being near him anymore or anything.” Takeru shrugged.

“Well, maybe Ken thinks you did.”

“He wouldn’t be that dumb,” Daisuke argued. “Ken’s gotta know that I wouldn’t try to get away from him. Just because I decided to leave for a while...”

“I don’t know. Maybe Ken got upset because he thinks people are always leaving him?” Takeru suggested. “I think you should try talking to Wormmon. Ken’s been ignoring him lately, but he was still the last one to really talk to Ken since he started acting strange.”

“Maybe...” Daisuke sighed and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. _It couldn’t hurt, could it? Talking to Wormmon tomorrow after class certainly couldn’t make things worse than I’ve already made them...._

~~~

The room was in shambles. The drawers had been pulled out of the dresser, scattering clothes across the floor. The desk drawers, too, had been violently thrown across the room, littering the floor with notebooks and pencils. The ashtray lay overturned in the corner, ash staining the carpet. The garbage can was lying on its side, trash mingled with the everything else on the floor. A broken picture frame lay against one wall, a shattered mirror against the other. The sheets had been torn off the bed, leaving it bare.

Ken stood in the center of the wreckage, naked and shivering. His body was covered in still-bleeding cuts from where he had sliced himself on sharp drawer edges or other such things. His hands and arms in particular were simply streaked with red from when he had broken the mirror. Ken collapsed to his knees, cutting them up on the glass left on the floor, staining the already dirtied floor with red. He didn’t care.

Ken barely remembered how he had come to this. He dimly recalled angrily throwing his pillow across the room, then everything blurred. Some deep-seated anger in him had burst itself free and manifested itself in the destruction of the normally immaculate room. Ken regarded his cut and bleeding fingers with detached amusement, then reached up to touch his face. There was a long, shallow cut along his cheek that had nearly stopped bleeding. Angrily he tore into it with his nails, causing the blood to flow freely down his cheek like tears.

“There, you see?” Ken whispered. “I won’t cry. I won’t cry, I won’t cry, dammit, I won’t cry! I’ll cry blood, that’s all. I’m not a weakling. I won’t cry.”

No one answered. Even his two imagined companions had abandoned him. Ken choked back a sob as he bitterly picked up the fallen picture.

“Osamu-chan....” Ken pressed the picture close to him, not caring when splintered bits of it cut into his bare chest. “This is all your fault. All my fault. I made you go away, and I made Daisuke go away...I even made Kaiser and Wormmon go away. Why do I make everyone leave me? Is--is there something wrong with me? There has to be. There has to be a reason why I always make everyone go away.”

Nothing but silence answered him. The shattered room seemed suddenly very large and empty. Ken bit back a whimper as he dropped the picture. One hand searched backwards until he grasped one of the sharp remainders of the mirror.

“You’re so stupid!” Ken berated himself, slicing into his upper arm as he spoke. “Stupid--stupid-- _stupid_ Ken!” With each harsh word he cut into himself again. “You made everyone go away. _Stupid_ Ichijouji! Even Wormmon--even the Kaiser-- doesn’t want to be near you! You’re a stupid--clingy--worthless--- _idiot!”_ He cried out in wordless frustration and threw the shard against the wall.

“I--I made everyone leave,” he whispered. “Everyone. I crowded Daisuke so he ran away to America to get away from me. I was jealous so I wished that Osamu would disappear and he died. I hated Wormmon for being my conscience so I let him die to stop Chimeramon. And I’m so weak and pathetic that the Kaiser couldn’t stand to be near me. I’ve made everyone who ever cared about me go away. I’m--I’m by myself now.” He stifled another sob, then whispered into the darkness, “I don’t want to be alone. Please...I don’t want to be left alone....”

He fell onto his side and curled himself up into a ball, willing himself not to cry.

 _I’m fine. I won’t cry. I’m fine._

I won’t cry. I will never cry.

Never again.


	5. Return to Me

Daisuke approached his Japanese history class with some trepidation. He hadn’t seen Ken since his one-time friend had kicked him out of his room. Daisuke wasn’t sure what to expect when he entered class.

What he saw was Ken, sitting in the same corner spot he had been in before. He was sitting very calmly, his hands folded and his eyes focused on the blackboard. There was a scar on his cheek and his hands were covered with small cuts. Daisuke couldn’t see any more of Ken’s skin due to the coat, but he had the sinking suspicion that there would be more cuts hidden under the long sleeves of the coat. He took half a step towards Ken, who immediately turned his head and fixed Daisuke with a look so cold and unforgiving that he froze in his tracks.

 _No!_ Daisuke shook his head. _I can’t let him do this to himself. I fought the Digimon Kaiser, didn’t I? If I stood up to Ken in his worst psychotic mood ever, I can handle him now. Compared to the Kaiser, Ken’s just having a hissy fit. I can do this._

 _The stakes are too high for me to run away._

Steeling himself, Daisuke started resolutely towards Ken. The other boy continued to glare at him, but Daisuke wouldn’t let himself be deterred. He brushed Ken’s backpack off the empty chair and sat down beside him. Ken pointedly turned his head away.

“I’m not just going to disappear,” Daisuke said to him in a low voice. “And I’m not going to give up either. I don’t care if I have to hound you all year, Ken, I’m going to make you talk to me.”

“I already talked to you,” Ken growled. “And I told you to leave me alone. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“I’m not going to accept that.”

“That’s not my problem.” Ken’s head whipped around to face Daisuke as the other boy grabbed his hands. Ken tried to pull away, but Daisuke held his hands tight.

“What did you do to yourself?” Daisuke asked softly.

“Dropped a mirror,” Ken murmured evasively, still trying desperately to pull away. “It’s nothing you need to worry about. Let go.”

“You’re lying.” Daisuke’s chocolate gaze locked with Ken’s impenetrable violet one. “Ken, you have to tell me what’s wrong! I-I want to be your friend again. I want you to be happy again.”

“Maybe I _am_ happy,” Ken countered through clenched teeth.

“Then why haven’t I seen you smile once since I came back?”

“Because with you hounding me like this, I have nothing to smile _about!”_ With a burst of strength, Ken pulled his hands from Daisuke’s grip. “I hate you, don’t you understand that? I. Hate. You. Hate you. I don’t want you anywhere near me. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t even _look_ at me!”

Daisuke’s mouth fell open, but before he could gather himself enough to reply, Ken had looked away again and Dr. Tsuwari had entered the classroom.

Daisuke quickly lowered his head and took a moment to compose himself. Ken’s words had stung deep, but he couldn’t let them get to him. Ken didn’t know what he was saying. He’d regret it later. Daisuke couldn’t let himself be deterred from that which was most important : getting Ken back to normal.

Ken was barely even listening to the professor. His head was bowed, and he was afraid that if he looked up he’d see Daisuke giving him that damn compassionate stare again. He couldn’t take that stare.

 _The Kaiser was right,_ Ken thought, his face twisted in self-derision. _I am letting him get to me. I promised that I wouldn’t but....damn it, can’t he just leave me alone? He wasn’t here when I needed him. He’s lost all right to keep--to keep doing this to me. He left me to make my own choice, and I’ve chosen, so why can’t he leave me be?_

He could still feel Daisuke’s gaze burning into him and he concentrated on drawing circles in his notebook.

 _Damn him...even now, he’s the only thing in my thoughts..._

Almost immediately Ken straightened up and focused on the professor. That unwelcome thought was enough to banish all images of Daisuke from his head.

“...You will all work in groups of two,” Dr. Tsuwari was saying. “This project shouldn’t be too difficult research-wise, though you’ll likely need to spend at least a few hours in the library. And I expect you to work _with_ your partner. I don’t want two different presentations in one. As for groups...” She paused and looked around the room, her lips moving as she silently counted. “Perfect. We have exactly twenty people in the class. Since we haven’t had enough time for you all to get to know each other I’ll simply put you in groups. It would probably easiest if you worked with the people next to you. That means, for the front row, Akari and Kaori, Aoshi and Meimi, Daisuke and Ken...”

Daisuke’s eyes lit up and he glanced at Ken, who was trembling lightly.

“Takeo and--”

Dr. Tsuwari was interrupted by the sound of Ken slamming his hands down forcefully on his notebook.

“Do you have something to say, Ichijouji-san?” Dr. Tsuwari asked slowly.

“I won’t work with him,” Ken said in a low voice, anger boiling behind his calm appearance.

“I’m sorry, Ichijouji-san, but I have given you a partner and you will work with him. This project is important for your final grade, so--”

“I’ll fail then,” Ken stated. Without waiting for a reply he swept up his notebook and backpack and stalked out the room. There was silence as everyone stared after him, disbelieving.

“I--I’ll go stop him,” Daisuke said hurriedly and ran out after his one-time friend.

“Ken!” Ken was halfway down the hall when he heard Daisuke’s voice. He quickened his pace. “Ken, wait!”

Daisuke broke into a run as Ken made a beeline for the elevator.

“Come on, come on...” he muttered as he waited for the doors to open, one eye on Daisuke’s rapidly approaching form. As if answering his plea, the doors opened. He stepped in and tried to close the doors, but Daisuke was too quick and managed to slip in just before the doors closed.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Daisuke exclaimed, pressing the emergency stop button. The elevator halted.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Ken lunged for the button to start up the elevator again, but Daisuke caught his arm.

“Ken, just listen to me. I--” Daisuke stopped, the words caught in his throat. Ken was staring at him out of baleful violet eyes, and for once the goggle boy realized that some subtlety was required. “All right, never mind. You don’t have to listen to me and you--you don’t have to be my friend.”

“Damn straight,” Ken growled.

“But the professor put us in a group together,” Daisuke said. “And we can’t get out of it. So can you just work with me? I promise, we’ll only need to meet once, in the library. And it’ll be all business. I won’t try to make you do anything you don’t want to.”

Ken was silent, considering. Daisuke gave him a pleading look.

“Please, Ken? It’s just one project. Nothing big.”

 _Damn him to hell,_ Ken thought, bowing his head. _Those blasted eyes still get me. Why? I can turn away from my own face in the mirror, I can close my eyes to block out the specters that surround me, I can even banish Osamu’s bloody corpse from my memory...but why am I still weak when faced with those eyes...that voice....that_ heartbeat...

“Very well,” Ken choked out, hating himself more with each word. “Just this once, and that’s all. And Daisuke...” With an effort Ken raised his head and mustered the Kaiser’s gaze. “After that, we’re finished. You mean _nothing_ to me.”

“Right,” Daisuke said, even though he knew it was a lie.

Ken nodded and Daisuke started the elevator again. When they reached the first floor and Ken moved to exit, Daisuke suddenly grabbed his arm again.

“Wait. Aren’t you gonna, you know, come back to class?”

“Give Dr. Tsuwari my regrets,” Ken sneered. “Tell her I found something more important to do.” With that, he exited the elevator and stalked off down the hall.

Daisuke sighed as the doors closed. He pressed the button for the third floor, and leaned back, running a hand through his hair. Things were not going well.

 _I definitely need to talk to Wormmon..._ he thought. _I think this has started to get serious._

~~~~

After class, Daisuke returned to his room to find it empty, though Takeru had left him a note on his desk.

 _“The school therapist called. She wants you to call her and make an appointment for later this week.”_

“The therapist?” Daisuke scratched his head. _That’s weird. Maybe she has to do an annual sanity test or something._ Putting down the note, he pulled his D-3 off his belt and stared at the computer.

“All right, here goes.” Daisuke took a deep breath. “Digiport, open!”

After a moment of familiar disorientation Daisuke found himself lying on the grass in the Digital World. He sat there for a few moments, simply enjoying the feel of the soft grass and the cool wind which was blowing. He hadn’t been to the Digital World for several weeks.

“Daisuke!” He sat up to see V-mon rushing towards him. Somehow the little Digimon always knew when Daisuke was coming for a visit, even if he didn’t say anything about it.

“Hi pal!” Daisuke greeted him.

“What are you doing here? I thought you had school.” V-mon made a face on the last word. He didn’t like being forced to remain in the Digital World.

“Got a bit of an emergency,” Daisuke explained. “I need to talk to Wormmon. Think you can find him for me?” V-mon’s face fell.

“Ken, huh?”

“How’d you know?” Daisuke asked.

“Wormmon’s been really upset.” V-mon explained, leading Daisuke towards a small enclosure of trees. “Ken hasn’t been to visit in _forever.”_

“So you’ve talked to him?”

“Yup.” V-mon nodded. “He doesn’t talk much, though. He’s afraid that Ken might have...” V-mon’s voice trailed off.

“Might’ve what?”

“....Forgotten about him.” V-mon turned wide eyes on his partner. “You wouldn’t forget about me, would you, Daisuke?”

“No way!” Daisuke assured him. “You’re my partner! I couldn’t forget you.”

“Even with college and everything?” V-mon still looked worried. “Because Wormmon was afraid that you’d all forget and then maybe we’d all disappear and--”

“That won’t happen,” Daisuke said. “None of us have forgotten about you. It’s just that Ken’s.....I don’t know. He’s all different. I need to see if Wormmon can help me figure out what’s wrong.”

“He should be over here somewhere.” V-mon led Daisuke through the trees to a small lake. “He usually hangs around here. I come and visit him to try and cheer him up.”

“Daisuke?” A familiar voice came from behind them. Daisuke and V-mon turned to see a miserable looking Wormmon come out of the bushes behind them. “I don’t suppose....Ken-chan isn’t with you, is he?” He sounded so despondent and Daisuke couldn’t help but feel sorry for the little Digimon.

“I’m here because of Ken,” Daisuke said. “He’s....”

“Different.” Wormmon shook his head. “I know. He--he was very sad. I tried my best to cheer him up, but he wouldn’t listen....and I could see dark shadows all around him, shadows like the Kaiser....”

“I know,” Daisuke said in a subdued tone. “I know.” He sighed. “What I don’t know is how it happened, or how to fix it. Can you think of anything? When did Ken start acting funny?”

“Right--right after you left.” Wormmon suddenly looked nervous. “He said....I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? Was it important?” Daisuke prompted.

“I promised Ken-chan I’d never tell,” Wormmon replied, looking intently at the ground. “I can’t break my promise.”

“But it might be important!” Daisuke argued.

“I can’t.” Wormmon shook his head and looked up at Daisuke. “You know I can’t break a promise I made to Ken-chan. I just...can’t.”

“But--” Daisuke started, but V-mon cut him off.

“You wouldn’t want me to spill your secrets, would you?” the blue Digimon asked.

“Well, yeah, but...” Daisuke sighed and ran a hand through his spiky hair. “All right. You don’t have to tell me anything Ken told you not to. But is there _anything_ you can tell me? Anything at all?”

“Ken-chan was....upset, when you left,” Wormmon said slowly. “He told me he felt alone, like he was the only one in the world, like even the sun had abandoned him. He just kept getting worse every time, and then the last time....” Wormmon paused. “The last time he didn’t say very much at all. I asked him a question about you, and about something I can’t tell, and he looked at me. His eyes were burning with anger and for a second I thought he was going to--to hit me. But he didn’t. He just turned away and said ‘Good-bye, Wormmon.’ I haven’t seen him since.” He glanced up at Daisuke. “Does that help you?”

“Kinda.” Daisuke sighed. When he spoke, his voice was strangely subdued. “It really is all my fault, isn’t it?”

“No,” Wormmon said firmly. “It’s mine for not--”

“It’s _nobody’s,_ ” V-mon said testily. He looked up at his partner. “Don’t be upset, Daisuke. I’m sure you’ll fix things.”

“Yeah....” Daisuke managed a weak smile. “I--I guess I better get back. Takeru and everyone’ll wonder where I went.” He turned to leave, V-mon at his side.

“Wait.” Wormmon’s voice made him turn. “I....Take me with you. I want to see Ken-chan again.”

“You sure?” Daisuke asked. “I mean, I don’t think Ken’ll be too happy to see you, not with the way he’s been actin’ lately...”

“I know,” Wormmon said. “But.....I miss him.” Daisuke’s face softened.

“Me too. Come on.”

Takeru was sitting at the computer when Daisuke came tumbling pout, landing straight in his lap.

“Uh, hey, Takeru!” Daisuke said sheepishly. Takeru dumped him on the ground, one eyebrow raised.

“Field trip?” he said dryly, then noticed Wormmon righting himself on the floor. “Wormmon? What’re you doing here?”

“He wanted to see Ken,” Daisuke explained. Takeru looked troubled, but all he said was,

“Oh.” There was a moment of silence before Takeru spoke up again. “Oh, Daisuke, the girls wanted me to ask you. One of the Frat houses is having a party tonight and we thought we’d all go. You in? It might cheer you up.”

“Well...okay!” Daisuke got to his feet. “Will you be okay in here without us, Wormmon?”

“Sure, the Digimon replied, settling himself under the bed.

“Good.” Takeru smiled. “I think we all need a bit of a break. And we’ll need you to help us wrestle Iori away from his studying.”

“Yeah.” Daisuke sounded cheerful enough, but his eyes were troubled.

 _I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a little fun, and to think about something besides how to help Ken. And there’s not much else I can do for him today, since he won’t even talk to me._ Daisuke nodded to himself. _Yeah. After all, I can’t help Ken if I’m all depressed and stressed out and stuff. And what harm is there in going to a party?_

~~~~

Ken stared out the open window at the darkened evening sky. The Kaiser had already been and left, incensed about Ken’s latest failure in his quest to avoid Daisuke.

 _And he should be mad. I was weak. I should never have agreed to work with him, grade or no grade. But, as always, I gave in like the weakling I am. I gave in to those damn compassionate eyes, let him ensnare me with his blasted pity._

His lip curled in disgust, and he turned away from the window. Grabbing his coat, he turned and stalked out the door.

 _There has to be some sort of party on campus tonight. I feel the need to get good and drunk._


	6. Take Me As I Am

Daisuke sat down on the faded brown couch, smiling happily. He was glad he had agreed to come to the party. It felt good to forget about all his troubles for once and just have fun.

Miyako and Hikari squeezed on the couch next to him, Miyako nearly spilling her cup of Sprite all over Daisuke. Takeru and Iori perched on the arms of the couch, their backs against the wall. When they had first arrived Miyako had insisted that they all dance and so they had, but an hour had passed and now they were tired out and content to sit and talk.

“Look at all the boys,” Miyako gushed. “I _love_ college parties!” She smiled and took a drink from her cup.

“Are you _sure_ there’s nothing in there?” Daisuke teased her, and she slapped him.

“Don’t worry,” Hikari assured him. “I’ve kept an eye on her drink the whole time. But I think the punch is spiked.”

“Why did anyone bother?” Iori grumbled. “What with the tower of beer cans they have set up.” He glanced disapprovingly towards the refreshment table, where some enterprising Frat boys had dutifully created a small castle out of beer cans. It had been larger originally, until some drunk had decided the bottom cans looked better than the top ones and had sent the whole thing crashing down.

“I wonder where they got all those,” Takeru mused. “It seems like every time someone takes one another appears to take its place.”

“I dunno about the beer,” Daisuke said, “but I think I see cookies over there! Guard my seat, okay?” Daisuke happily bounced to his feet and started navigating his way through the dancing crowd towards the refreshment table.

“Jackpot!” He rubbed his hands together in glee as he spied the pile of chocolate chip cookies sitting just to the right of the beer. “Lesee here,” he murmured as he started gathering up cookies. “I should get one for each of the guys, but Miyako’ll probably want two or maybe three, and Iori might not want one because he’s like that, but I’m real hungry so I should make sure to get enough for me too and- aw, screw it.” He stuffed a few into his mouth and gathered some more into his hands before turning to make his way back through the crowd. As he stepped away from the table he thought he saw a black shadow sweep over from a corner of the room, but by the time it occurred to him to turn and get a better look there were already people blocking his view. Daisuke shrugged and started walking back towards the couch.

When he got there, he found that Takeru had taken his seat and was chatting to the girls.

“Hey!” Daisuke objected. The moment he opened his mouth the cookies fell out, and he scrambled to catch them, dropping some of the ones in his hands on the floor. After a moment he managed to get his hands on as many as he could before sheepishly offering them to the rest of the group. “Uh, cookies anyone?”

“Daisuke, that’s gross!” Miyako said. “Some of those were in your _mouth!”_

“But not all of them,” Daisuke argued. “C’mon, I got them for you guys! Hikari?”

“No thanks,” Hikari said politely.

“No way,” Miyako said.

“Guys?” Takeru and Iori shook their heads, and Daisuke shrugged, looking pouty. “More for me then.” He sulkily tossed a few into his mouth and nearly choked.

“Ooh, I love this song!” Miyako suddenly jumped to her feet. She turned to scrutinize the three male members of the group and then grabbed Iori and pulled him towards the dance floor. “Come on, Iori, you can dance with me.”

“Ah, um, Miyako-san....” Iori’s protesting voice was drowned out by the music. Hikari sighed and smiled at Takeru.

“Dance with me?” she asked.

“Sure.” Takeru got up, then noticed Daisuke and paused. “Um, Daisuke...”

“It’s fine.” Daisuke plopped down on the couch. “I don’t really like to dance.”

“Are you sure?” Hikari asked.

“Yeah, it’s cool. Go on.” Daisuke waved the two of them away. They disappeared into the crowd.

Daisuke sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes. Suddenly, he heard a soft voice call his name. Daisuke’s eyes snapped open and he stared in surprise at the person standing before him.

“Ken?” Daisuke blinked a few times to be certain that he wasn’t seeing things. Ken was watching him with an almost predatory glare. Daisuke suddenly understood when he saw Ken drop a beer can at his feet. _He’s totally drunk!_

Ken didn’t seem to mind that he was completely out of it. He leaned down and took Daisuke’s hand, pulling him to his feet. Daisuke was unable to resist, caught spellbound in the glittering violet eyes.

“Dance with me,” Ken said in a low voice. His breath stunk of alcohol and something else Daisuke couldn’t quite identify. A strange thought struck him. _Like lilacs and the stench from a tomb...._

Ken led him out through crowd of people into an adjoining room. This room was much smaller and the people were packed closer, but it didn’t quite matter, as most couples were practically entwined together. Daisuke could tell at a glance that half the occupants were as drunk or drunker than Ken. For a moment he tried to pull away, but Ken held his hand tight.

“Shhh....” Ken ran a hand along Daisuke’s cheek. “Don’t go yet.”

“I....Ken, I.....” Daisuke didn’t quite know what to say. The song that had been playing stopped and a new one came on.

“Just one dance,” Ken promised, pulling Daisuke closer. “It’s all I ask.”

“I--I--” Daisuke gulped, then, for reasons even he didn’t understand, he nodded. “Right.”

Ken led him towards a corner of the room, where there were less people and they could move freely. Daisuke wondered for a moment what the rest of the room’s occupants would think to see two boys dancing together, then decided that they all were probably too drunk to care. Around them the music played.

_I’m a candle in the wind  
My future flickers ‘fore my eyes  
I’m too restless to be satisfied with silence  
So I’ll push further through the night_

Daisuke shivered as Ken wrapped his arms around his neck and ran a finger down his back. Their bodies were pressed so close together than Daisuke could feel the heat from Ken’s flushed cheeks. Slowly Ken disentangled himself and turned in a slow circle, then pushed himself up close against Daisuke. Daisuke felt his breath catch in his throat as Ken entangled his fingers in Daisuke’s.

“Ken....” The word was a mere whisper of protest. Daisuke found himself caught up in watching, feeling, Ken move in time to the music.

_You say you wanna put me out and that I’m wrong  
No I’ve heard those lies before  
‘Cause the fire inside it just keeps burning   
Just won’t stand it anymore_

“Don’t speak,” Ken murmured, his eyes half-closed. He seemed barely aware of what he was doing. Daisuke felt himself freeze as Ken ran a hand under his shirt.

“W-what....” Daisuke couldn’t get out the rest of the sentence. Ken’s hand removed itself, only to find a new home running through Daisuke’s hair. Ken pressed his body up against Daisuke’s, swaying hypnotically. Daisuke could feel his friend’s chest rise and fall as he breathed.

_You came along, you pulled me up when I was down  
The way you made me feel just took me by surprise  
You took my hand, you stole my heart, you fed the fire  
When you moved with me you gave me back my life_

Daisuke wasn’t even aware of anyone else anymore. He mesmerized, a fly caught in a spider’s web, entranced as he watched Ken’s body move. The room around him was a blur, and he felt almost detached from his body. Part of his brain was screaming at him to think for a moment about what he was doing, but that part was drowned out by the feelings rushing through his body. Almost unconsciously he wrapped an arm around Ken’s waist. Their eyes locked, and Ken’s predatory grin widened.

_Let the spirit move me  
Let the spirit move me  
Let your spirit move me  
Let your spirit move me_

The music abruptly stopped, and Daisuke returned to reality with a jolt. He felt the blood rush to his face when he realized that he was leaning against the wall and that Ken was practically draped over him.

“I--I--” Daisuke’s mouth opened and closed, but no more sound came out. Ken stared at him for a moment, then ran his fingers over Daisuke’s lips.

“One dance,” he said softly. “That was all I wanted.” He turned to walk off.

“Ken?” Daisuke called out to him and Ken half-turned. Daisuke shook his head. “Never mind.” Ken shrugged and walked on.

Daisuke stood there for over a minute, his mind reeling. His eyes followed Ken as the other boy wove through the crowd. As Daisuke watched, a larger boy with brown hair stopped Ken and said something to him. Ken replied and the two walked out into the center of the room together. Daisuke quickly left, suddenly finding himself unable to watch.

“Daisuke!” As he returned to the main room, Takeru and Hikari ran up to him, with Miyako and Iori running along behind them.

“Oh, uh, hi guys,” Daisuke said.

“Where’d you go?” Takeru asked.

“Takeru’s friend Tsuyoshi said he saw you go into the other room with some _girl._ ” Miyako gave a sly smile. “Do you have a secret _girlfriend,_ Daisuke?”

“I do not,” Daisuke pouted, his cheeks turning red. “I was just--I--” He broke off. _I was what? Dancing with Ken? Who was drunk and practically giving me a lapdance?_

“Hmm....” Miyako gave him a searching gaze for a moment, then nodded. “Nah. I can’t see _you_ with a girlfriend.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daisuke demanded. “I could have a secret girlfriend!”

 _“Sure_ you could.”

“I could! I was dancing with a girl, wasn’t I?” _Well, okay, not a_ girl _per se, but if she’s gonna make fun of me...._

“So you _were_ with a girl!” Miyako said triumphantly. “Who was it? Do we know her? Are you guys _dating?”_

“I’m not telling,” Daisuke sniffed. “You teased me.”

“Don’t be so nosy, Miyako,” Hikari broke in before Miyako could threaten Daisuke with bodily harm. “I’m sure Daisuke would tell us if he was dating someone.”

“Right,” Takeru backed her up. “Anyway, enough about him. I’m tired. Let’s go see if we can find another place to sit. The couch is probably taken by now.”

They found some chairs near another wall and settled down to talk. Daisuke managed to deflect any and all questions about the ‘girl’ he had danced with, though his attention continually drifted to the rest of the room as he tried to catch a glimpse of Ken.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he saw Ken again. The other boy was still talking with the brown-haired boy he had run into after leaving Daisuke. Ken’s companion seemed to be more or less sober, but Ken was weaving dangerously as he walked, held on course only by his hand tightly clasped in that of his companion. As Daisuke watched, the other boy led Ken to the door and they left the party.

“I--I gotta go,” Daisuke announced suddenly, standing up. The others glanced at him in confusion.

“Daisuke? Is there something wrong?” Hikari asked.

“I thought you didn’t have anything else to do tonight,” Takeru said.

“I--I forgot about something. I really gotta go.”

“Are you sure?” Miyako asked. “Come on, it’s not gonna kill you to stay a little longer. We’re all probably going to leave in another hour or so.”

“I _really_ gotta leave now,” Daisuke said. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow, okay?”

“But--”

“See you!” Without waiting for anyone else to object, Daisuke darted across the room and ran out the door.

~~~~

Wormmon stirred from his place under Takeru’s bed. He carefully crawled out into the middle of the floor and glanced out the open window.

“It’s getting late,” he murmured. “I wonder where everyone is?”

As he stared out the window, he wondered what Ken was doing. _Maybe he’s at that party that Daisuke and Takeru went to. I could’ve gone with them and seen him...._

“No,” Wormmon decided, shaking his head. “Ken-chan doesn’t usually like parties. He’s probably in his room, lonely in the dark....” The thought made his heart ache. _My Ken-chan’s all alone. He_ needs _me there. To make him happy._

The Digimon’s eyes traveled back to the window. It was open. He could climb out, find his Ken-chan. Surely nobody would see him, not this late. And Daisuke had told him the name of Ken’s dorm, Akai Hall. He had said that it wasn’t far. Surely Wormmon could find it and figure out where Ken’s room was.

“I’ll do it,” he decided. “I can’t wait for Daisuke to come back. I’m going to go find my Ken-chan and cheer him up.”

With that, he carefully climbed out the window and down the side of the building. After a quick check to make sure that no one had seen him, Wormmon hurried off into the night.

~~~~

“Ken?” Daisuke stood on the steps of the Frat house, feeling suddenly stupid. What had he been thinking, running out after Ken like that? It wasn’t any of his business what Ken did. If he found out that Daisuke had followed him, he’d be livid once he was sober.

Daisuke stood on the steps a few moments more, shifting nervously. _So now what do I do? I can’t go back inside...._

He sighed and decided that there was nothing else to do but go back to his dorm. He stepped out onto the grass, then froze as he heard a soft moaning sound coming from the shadowed side of the house. Daisuke took a tentative step towards the shadows.

“Ken?” he ventured hesitantly. There was another moment of silence, then a soft noise. Carefully Daisuke walked over into the darkness and peered around the corner.

Ken was pinned up against the wall by the brown-haired boy he had left with. Ken’s coat was half off, revealing the scarred flesh on his bare arms. He was engaged in a very deep kiss with his companion. One of the brown-haired boy’s hands kept a tight hold on Ken’s arm. It took Daisuke a moment to realize that Ken’s belt was undone, and that the brown-haired boy’s other hand was down Ken’s pants.

Daisuke felt rage overtake him. He knew that Ken’s companion was barely drunk, if he was drunk at all. He was taking advantage of Ken, and there was no way Daisuke was going to stand there and watch.

In a flash he crossed the short distance between them, aiming a punch right for the other boy’s face. The brown-haired boy went sprawling to the ground.

“What the hell are you doing, man?” he yelled at Daisuke.

“What do you think _you’re_ doing?!” Daisuke demanded. He couldn’t recall the last time he had been this angry. “Can’t you see how drunk he is, you bastard?”

“So?” The other boy got to his feet. “I should call security on you, jerkwad.”

“Go ahead,” Daisuke challenged. “I’ll tell the nice officers what you were doing with someone who’s obviously totally out of it. I hear jail’s nice this time of year.” That quieted the other boy.

“Hey man, I don’t want any trouble,” the brown-haired boy said.

“Get out of here,” Daisuke growled. “And if you touch him again, I’ll--I’ll break every bone in your body!”

“Whatever.” The other boy raised his palms in a ‘calm down’ gesture as he walked past Daisuke and backed out of the shadows. “I’m leavin’, okay? Geez, overreact much?”

Daisuke didn’t even bother to watch him leave. He immediately turned to Ken, who was still pressed against the wall, apparently unaware that his assailant had even left. He was staring at Daisuke with a blank, detached stare that sent shivers down the goggle boy’s spine.

“C-C’mon, Ken,” Daisuke said, taking a step towards him. “I’d better help you back to your room.”

Ken nodded slowly, but made no move to zip up his jeans or put his coat back on. After a moment, Daisuke stepped forward and gently touched Ken’s arm.

“Aren’t you cold?” he asked. Ken stared at him, then nodded again and proceeded to fix his clothes. Daisuke stood back, his worried eyes examining the small cuts on the skin of Ken’s arms. When Ken was ready, Daisuke offered him a hand, which Ken took without a word.

“Come on,” Daisuke said softly. The two walked together along the empty streets of the college, Ken leaning heavily on Daisuke. They were halfway back to Ken’s dorm when Ken spoke for the first time since Daisuke had saved him.

“Daisuke,” he murmured, almost drowsily. “It is you, isn’t it? I forget sometimes.. sometimes I imagine things that aren’t there, but I can’t touch them. I can touch you, so it must be you, right?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Daisuke said. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’m not here,” Ken said. His words were still somewhat slurred, and his eyes were vacant. “But that’s nothing new. I’m never really here, not like before.... it’s like I’m only attached to the earth by a thread, and it’s getting weaker each day....” He lapsed into silence. Finally Daisuke spoke.

“Ken....those scars on your arms....”

“I cut myself with the shards of a mirror,” Ken told him. “It was stupid of me. I’m always stupid.” He gave Daisuke a bleary sideways look. “I should have used the knife.”

“Knife?” Daisuke felt his heart clench in sudden fear. With an effort he managed to keep his voice steady. “You have a knife?”

Ken nodded, seemingly unaware of what he was saying.

“In my desk drawer. I stole it, you know. The Kaiser told me to steal it, because it was sharp and would cut well and I needed it.” Ken stumbled a bit and Daisuke caught him. “He said I should take the handcuffs too, but I didn’t. The knife was sharp enough.”

“Sharp enough for what? And what do you mean, the Kaiser?”

“I talk to him. He’s the only one who loves me.” Ken’s voice was faint. He seemed to be walking as if in a dream. “He told me to take the knife, because I needed a sure way. Nothing I have could cut through skin so well. I didn’t cut well enough last time.” His vacant eyes stared into Daisuke’s. “Because there are times when I think I’m just a living ghost, and I get sick of it. Then I can take the knife and feel the edge and weigh my decision again, and decide if I feel like living another day. Someday I won’t, and then I’ll be ready. So I need it.”

“N-no. No, Ken, listen, you don’t need that.” Daisuke could feel panic welling up inside of him, and he had to swallow hard to keep himself from freaking out completely then and there. He whirled and put his hands on Ken’s shoulders, staring him full in the face. “Ken, I know you’re drunk and all, because otherwise you wouldn’t be telling me any of this, and you probably won’t remember any of this tomorrow and if you do you’ll be mad and hate me again and all, but you have to listen to me. You--you don’t need that knife. It’s not good and there’s something happening to you and I’m not sure what but....” He trailed off. Ken’s eyes had taken on a strange tint. The other boy’s pale hands reached up and gripped Daisuke’s wrists. “Wh-what are you....?”

“Do you want to stop me?” Ken purred. He leaned forward, and his fevered breath touched Daisuke’s teeth as he spoke. “Just one taste...”

And then Ken kissed him.

Daisuke’s first instinct was to pull away, but the very something which had held him during Ken’s dance held him now. He found himself melting into Ken’s kiss as the other boy opened his mouth slightly and their tongues intertwined.

Daisuke’s hands fell from Ken’s shoulders. He wrapped an arm around Ken, pulling him closer. One of Ken’s hands ran through his hair and pulled him even nearer as the two melted into each other. Ken’s other hand snaked down, under Daisuke’s jeans, touching the bare flesh.

At that soft touch, rational thought suddenly came screaming back into Daisuke’s head. _What the_ hell _do you think you’re doing?!_ Daisuke’s eyes snapped open and he instinctively pushed Ken away. The embrace was broken and Ken stumbled back, nearly falling to the ground.

“I--Ken, I--” _What were you_ doing? his mind screamed. _Ken’s_ drunk! _He hasn’t a clue what he’s doing and you--you took advantage of him! You don’t even think of him like_ that....

 _Do I?_ Daisuke wondered for a moment, but then his conscience began to rail at him again. _Were you ever planning on stopping him, you pervert? Or were you going to do to him what you stopped that other boy from doing?_

“No!” Daisuke yelled aloud. His eyes alighted on Ken, who was standing on unsteady feet a few inches away. The other boy’s face had resumed its impassive stare. “Ken....Ken I’m sorry....”

Ken shrugged and held out his hand again.

“Are you going to walk me home?” he asked, his tone casual, as if nothing had happened.

“I--I, uh, well.....I guess.” Nervously Daisuke took Ken’s hand again. The two didn’t speak the whole trip back to Ken’s dorm.

~~~~

Wormmon had finally found Akai Hall. He looked up, wondering which room was Ken’s. Daisuke had said that it was on the second floor, but Wormmon had no way of knowing which room was his. With no other option, he climbed up the side of the building and began looking into windows.

He was just peering into one darkened room when the door opened. Wormmon ducked out of sight just in time to see Daisuke escorting Ken inside.

“Careful,” Daisuke murmured as Ken swayed, nearly falling. “We’re back in your room, Ken. I think you’d better rest, okay?”

Ken blinked up at him, barely comprehending. Daisuke guided him towards the bed and helped him lie down, removing Ken’s coat as he did so. He absently draped the coat over a chair.

“Will you stay with me?” Ken murmured drowsily.

“S-sure. ‘Till you’re asleep.” _Because when you wake up you’ll have a bitch of a hangover and if I’m still here you’ll be pissed at me._ Daisuke walked towards the window. “I’ll open the window and let some fresh air in, ‘kay?”

Ken mumbled something unintelligible in response. Daisuke sighed and moved to open the window.

Wormmon quickly scuttled down below the window, suddenly worried that Daisuke would see him and take him away. He needn’t have worried. Daisuke opened the window and quickly turned back to Ken.

“Ken?” he ventured. There was no answer. Daisuke leaned forward to get a better look at his friend. Ken’s eyes were closed and his breathing was even. He was asleep.

“I know you’re gonna hate me even more for this,” Daisuke said softly to the sleeping boy as he began to open Ken’s desk drawers. “But I can’t just do nothing this time.”

He opened the bottom drawer and finally found what he was looking for. Inside the drawer was a wicked-looking knife. As Daisuke lifted it carefully he examined the other curious contents of the drawer. Inside was what appeared to be the Kaiser’s whip, lying side-by-side with Ken’s crest of kindness. The crest was covered in a thin layer of dust. Next to the two objects was what appeared to be a letter inside an unmarked envelope. Daisuke curiously reached for it, then pulled his hand back.

 _I’d better not. I mean, I’m taking the knife for his own safety, but I don’t really have any right to read whatever’s in there. And if Ken somehow figures out I read it I’ll never convince him to be my friend again._

 _Not like I have much chance of that anyway, after tonight._

Daisuke visibly wilted at the thought. Wrapping the knife in his coat, he tucked it under his arm and carefully tiptoed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Once the door was closed, Wormmon clambered in through the window. He hopped to the floor beside the bed and stared up at the sleeping Ken. Even in the dim light of the moon he could see the tiny scars on Ken’s arms and the unhealthy pallor of his skin.

 _Ken-chan....I knew you needed me. Why didn’t you come and tell me things were so bad?_

Not wanting to wake Ken up, Wormmon settled himself down under Ken’s bed. In the morning they would talk, and hopefully everything would be right again. Wormmon closed his eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep.


	7. Wall of Silence

When Ken awoke it was still dark outside. The glowing red numbers on his clock proclaimed the time to be just past one in the morning, and the moonlight still shone through the open window.

“Damn….” Ken muttered as he sat up, one hand going to his head. He recalled only a little of what had happened the night before. All he knew was that he had gotten nice and drunk and then….he wasn’t sure what had happened then. Ken sighed. “Well, at least I woke up alone this time.”

 _“Not so pure, are we, dear?”_ Ken turned as the Kaiser materialized in the chair by his desk. He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and socks with little Wormmons on them, and he was idly smoking a cigarette. _“Do we have a bit of a hangover? You know you shouldn’t drink too much, precious. I must say, you look like death.”_

“Shut up,” Ken grumbled. “And who are you to lecture me on getting drunk anyway?”

 _“Poor baby,”_ the Kaiser purred, getting to his feet. _“Finally had a good night and you don’t remember a thing. But don’t be sad that you woke up all alone. I can help you with that. Come to me.”_ He stretched a hand towards Ken and smiled seductively. _“I know a nice game we can play.”_

“Not now,” Ken said, though his voice was hesitant and he took the proffered hand anyway, getting to his feet. “I-I don’t feel very well.”

 _“I can take care of that,”_ the Kaiser whispered in his ear before burying his face in Ken’s neck and nipping softly at the smooth skin. _“Don’t be so uptight, precious. I’ll make it all better. I always do.”_

“I should go back to sleep,” Ken protested feebly. “I-I need to sleep off the hangover. My head hurts…and my memory’s so fuzzy I can’t even…”

 _“Does it matter?”_ the Kaiser murmured. _“Don’t fight it, love. You know I’ll always have you in the end.”_

“But I….” Ken’s voice died away and he closed his eyes, surrendering to the Kaiser’s touch. In his mind he carefully went over what he remembered from earlier that night.

 _I remember going to the party and having a few drinks. And then…then what? I—I think I danced. Yes, that’s right. I danced, with—with—_ A familiar face flashed through his mind, soft brown eyes and unruly hair, topped by a familiar pair of goggles. _No, not him! I couldn’t have!_

 _“Little slut!”_ In a matter of seconds the Kaiser’s soft touches turned to an angry slap to the face. Ken fell across the bed and lay there, reeling. _“Weakling boy!”_ The Kaiser stalked towards Ken, hissing in displeasure. _“You have angered me, pet. You know how I don’t like being angered.”_

“It—it was an accident!” Ken argued, staring up at the ceiling. “I was _drunk_ , dammit! I didn’t mean to—“

 _“Oh?”_ The Kaiser’s very words were like poison. _“Never lie to me, my love. I know you too well. You let him take you again, simpering little beast that you are.”_

“I-I didn’t,” Ken replied. “I didn’t want to. I hate him, I’ve told you that! I hate him and I will never forgive him for what he did!”

 _“And still you lie!”_ The Kaiser was suddenly upon Ken, straddling him and keeping him pinned to the bed. _“Never forget, darling, that_ I _am your only dance partner. Have you forgotten what you owe me so soon?”_

“I haven’t forgotten!” Ken said. “It was a mistake. Daisuke will understand that, he must! He knows the terms between us.”

 _“There are no terms,”_ the Kaiser hissed. _“You_ will _hate him. I’ll make sure of that.”_

“I told you, I do! I’ll hate him for the rest of my life!” Ken yelled back.

 _“Oh really? Then why are you crying?”_

Ken started to raise a hand to wipe away the sudden tears, but the Kaiser grabbed his wrists and kept him pinned to the bed.

 _“Listen closely to me, my little toy,”_ the Kaiser said. _“You will care nothing for him. I will see to that. This pleasure I offer you has its price, as everything does, and the price is your very life. You will hate him with all your soul and then we will be free to do as we please.”_ Though he retained his iron grip on Ken’s wrist, the Kaiser’s face grew softer as he leaned down to kiss his captive. _“One way or another, you will be mine.”_

“I already _am_ yours!” Ken argued. “Now let me go.”

 _“Why should I?”_ the Kaiser asked, a snake’s smile creeping onto his face. _“I’m not done with you quite yet, my love.”_

“I need to go back to sleep,” Ken said. “I-I have to meet Daisuke at the library tomorrow and…” His voice trailed off as he realized what he had just said. A thundercloud passed over the Kaiser’s face and he suddenly leaned down and kissed Ken violently on the lips, his fingers digging into Ken’s wrists.

 _“I should let you go to him. Then we will see what a fool you are, my pet. You will forget all the wrong he has done you and fly back into his arms. And then when he casts you aside like garbage, as you know he will, you will crawl back into my arms, broken and beaten, nothing more than the dusty remains of a marble statue…”_

“I won’t go back to him!” Ken promised. “Let me go.”

 _“Never,”_ the Kaiser purred. _“You are_ my _plaything. That is all you’ve ever been. I hold you bound and I will not turn over your chains to him so easily.”_ He stretched out across Ken, biting at his neck. He glanced up, staring straight into Ken’s eyes. _“You are my prisoner, as always. And I will hold you fast on this chain until you choke on your own spit!”_

“I—stop it….” Ken found his breath suddenly coming in short, light gasps. “Let me go, please!”

 _“Never,”_ the Kaiser repeated, his body pushing against Ken’s. _“Isn’t this what you wanted? Someone who will never let you go…”_

“Y-you’re not real.” Ken swallowed hard. “You’re in my head. It’s different.”

 _“I’m you,”_ the Kaiser whispered, one hand momentarily letting go of Ken’s wrists to reach up and push Ken’s hair out of his eyes. _“And it’s really not as different as you would like to think. Now stop being obstinate.”_

“I said, let me go!” Ken tried to sound forceful, but his voice was shaking. “Don’t…”

 _“I’ll always be here for you…”_ The Kaiser planted a line of kisses along the nape of Ken’s neck, moving under the collar of his shirt. _“Just like you wanted.”_

“P-please…” Ken’s breathing grew heavier. “Stop it. I-I don’t want you to…”

 _“Don’t lie,”_ whispered the Kaiser, even as he carefully rolled up Ken’s shirt, baring his chest. _“You know you want it. You know you want_ me.”

“I….I….” Ken bit back a gasp as the Kaiser nipped lightly at one of his nipples. The Kaiser glanced up at him through violet glasses and smiled wickedly, biting even harder. Ken’s gasp degenerated into a soft moan.

 _“Don’t resist me…”_ the Kaiser’s voice was rough. _“Just give in and let me take you… you know I will, whether you want me to or not…”_

“I….Please,” Ken panted and the Kaiser sucked on his other hardening nipple. “Don’t do this…”

 _“I’ll do as I please,”_ the Kaiser replied. One of his hands snaked down to unzip Ken’s pants. _“Give in to the pleasure, my love.”_

Ken’s eyes widened as the Kaiser’s hand reached under the fabric of his boxers, stroking his suddenly hardened length. The Kaiser grinned wickedly as he moved the hand away and began to push himself into Ken, his own boxers sliding down to his knees as he did so and leaving him naked. He moved forward and planted a kiss on Ken’s lips, his tongue diving down Ken’s throat and choking off his victim’s protests. Carefully the Kaiser pulled Ken’s pants and underwear down about his knees and pressed himself even closer on top of him, his hands stroking Ken’s hardened length. Beneath him, his victim seemed to droop as all resistance to the promised pleasure stopped.

 _This is all I’m good for,_ he thought tiredly. _Let him have me, if he wants me. Everything is so much easier when he’s in control._

 _“That’s a dear,”_ the Kaiser whispered, his voice nothing more than a low, predatory purr. _“Sweet surrender is all I offer you now.”_

His hands stroked Ken’s cock, slowly at first, then with increasing violence. Ken squirmed under his grasp, suddenly desperate for the touch, yet still resisting at the same time, torn between two sensations and two personalities. The Kaiser’s body felt cold against him, like the touch of a corpse, yet it excited him and made him feel more alive, and so he permitted it. He could feel the Kaiser’s own hardness throbbed next to his skin, deriving pleasure just from touching Ken.

Fire slowly built up inside Ken and his breathing grew short as the Kaiser’s hand deftly caressed his swollen length. Just when he felt that he was about to burst, the soft touch stopped, and the Kaiser grasped Ken’s cock tightly in his hand, causing a spasm of pain to rocket up Ken’s spine.

“W-what are you—“ Ken panted, sweat covering his brow and dripping into his eyes from his hair.

 _“Now, now, precious,”_ the Kaiser murmured. _“First, tell me you want me.”_

“I—I—oh God, just—“

,i>“No no. Say it.”

“I want you,” Ken gasped out. “Now please—“

 _“Tell me you love me,”_ the Kaiser pressed, his hand tightening more over Ken’s hardened length.

“Can’t—can’t you just let me—“

 _“Tell me you love me and I’ll let you come,”_ the Kaiser said. _“And not until then.”_

“I love you,” Ken panted. “I love you, I said it, I love you, now—“

 _“That’s all I needed to hear.”_ The Kaiser reached up his head to capture Ken’s lips as his hand resumed its rhythm. Ken’s body tensed under him and Ken moaned low into the Kaiser’s mouth. The hand increased its soft stroking and at last the fire burned itself to a height. Ken’s cry was swallowed by the sudden kiss as Ken came into the Kaiser’s hand.

At last Ken lay back, his eyes closed, his whole body shaking lightly from the exertion. The Kaiser continued to kiss and caress his skin, not caring that Ken was unresponsive.

 _“That’s all you required,”_ the Kaiser said. _“A little reminder of who your true master is.”_

“Yes,” Ken said in a soft, flat voice. His eyes remained closed. As long as they were closed, he could pretend. Pretend that somebody cared, that somebody loved him. Because he knew that if he opened his eyes his phantom lover would be gone, and all he would see were his own hands touching his bare skin. He was torn as always between senses and emotions, between fearing the intimate touch and begging for it. Anything to tell him he was alive and loved, even the invisible kisses of his own secret enemy and lover.

 _And why not?_ Ken thought wearily. _Only he cares about me. Only he would give a damn if I died tonight._ He moved his head to the side some to allow the Kaiser better access to his throat. His whole body was tingling with a mixture of pain and pleasure, caught between submission and flight. Ken was constantly aware of the battle he lived everyday, of maintaining that fragile equilibrium between breaking down into tears, begging for help, and picking up the forgotten whip and dominating the world that had cast him aside. Yet somehow he remained in that center area between the black and the white, even though every fiber of his being knew that it would cause his death someday. But he was afraid to step into either area, afraid of being pulled back into the dark and snubbed by the light. And so he remained, a broken creature lying on a bed while his own mind rebelled against him.

“Ken-chan?” The voice made his eyes snap open, and in that moment the Kaiser was gone. Ken sat up slowly, both mourning and rejoicing at the loss of the touch. Carefully, his eyes pinned to the drab bed sheets, Ken wiped off his hand on a pile of Kleenex lying nearby and rearranged his clothes. Then his eyes scanned the floor until they alighted on Wormmon. His face twisted into a scowl.

“You again.” Ken could feel anger welling up within him, its warm fire draining some of the numbness from his body. “Why can’t you ever leave me alone?”

“W-what do you mean?” Wormmon looked confused, and it only angered Ken more.

“You know what I mean,” he said. This was better. This was one phantom that might listen to him. “I don’t want you here.”

“But I haven’t been here for a long time, Ken-chan. Didn’t—didn’t you miss me? I hoped that you would be happy to see me.” The little creature looked miserable, and it made Ken feel annoyed.

“Why should I be happy?” he spat. “I don’t need you here, telling me what I’ve done wrong. I don’t want a conscience, don’t you get that? When he’s here I can feel better, just for a moment. Even though I know he’s tearing my soul up from the inside, it still feels….it still lets me feel alive. And you keep trying to make me stop! I don’t need your help, and I don’t need anyone telling me I’m wrong! I already know that!” Ken could feel tears welling up in his eyes again and he violently rubbed them away. No. He wouldn’t cry again. He wouldn’t let himself feel guilty.

“I don’t understand,” Wormmon said, crawling a little closer. “I-I just want to help you, Ken-chan.”

“No!” Ken got to his feet. “Don’t help me. I know you’re supposed to be my conscience, I know you’re supposed to be right….but it doesn’t matter. You’re not real. He is. I can feel him when he touches me. My hand passed right through you. Nothing’s real but him.”

“But I _am_ real,” Wormmon said, confused. “What’s happened to you, Ken-chan? Why are you so mad at me?”

“Just go away!” Ken closed his eyes, then slowly opened them again. To his chagrin, he saw that the Digimon was still sitting there, staring at him with those mournful blue eyes. “Please,” he half-begged, “leave me alone. I don’t want you here, looking at me with those eyes, trying to lull me in with that damn sad voice…”

“I can’t leave you, not like this,” Wormmon said. “I need to know what happened to you, Ken-chan. I want to help you.”

“When will all of you realize that I’m too far gone to be helped?!” In a sudden burst of anger, Ken aimed a kick at Wormmon, knowing full well that it wouldn’t do him any good.

His foot connected solidly with the Digimon, knocking him into the far wall. Wormmon groaned and tried to pull himself to his feet.

“K-Ken-chan?”

Ken stood in the middle of the room, trembling. His eyes were suddenly wild with a mixture of emotions. Panic finally overtook him and he turned and fled from the room, not even bothering to shut the door behind him.

Ken ran blindly down the hall, trying desperately not to think. He just needed to find somewhere where he could be alone and sort things out. Confusion, pain, and fear warred inside his head as he turned and darted down the steps. He was two steps from the bottom of the flight when he tripped and fell, hitting his head on the floor of the stairwell.

Ken lay there for a few moments, panting, spots dancing before his eyes. A trickle of blood dripped down from his head into his eyes. He tried to brush it away, but his arms wouldn’t move. Everything felt heavy.

He didn’t know how long he lay there, trying to catch his breath, before he finally lurched to his feet and scrambled the rest of the way down the steps, then ran out the door into the night air. He shivered as a cold wind brushed past him, but he couldn’t go back up to his room for his coat. Ken stumbled through the apparently empty campus, his head pounding.

Finally he reached his destination. Behind one of the biology buildings was a small grove of peach blossom trees. The blossoms were thick enough that, once inside, a person could feel as if they were in their own separate world. With the weather growing colder the trees were becoming bare, but the small grove still felt isolated enough for Ken’s purpose. He made his way to the center of the grove and collapsed on a bed of fallen leaves, curling up in a fetal position and clutching his aching head.

 _Flesh…he was flesh. Nothing like the way the Kaiser feels or the way he usually feels…it felt like he was real. Alive._ The thought tore through his mind. _How? Wormmon’s always been almost insubstantial to me. Have I gone insane? Is that why I can touch my delusions as well as see them?_

A whimper tore itself from Ken’s throat as he tightened his grip on his pounding head.

 _He can’t be real. He’s_ never _been that real to me. It—it doesn’t make sense. He’s just my conscience, and that’s not real. It’s a fantasy, just like everything else. The Kaiser offered me t6he touch and the pleasure, and even it was just barely real, just skirting the fringes of my own reality. But my conscience is real now too, what about everything else? What if it’s all just one fevered dream and I’m locked in a mental hospital somewhere, bound to a bed and creating my own little world inside my head?_ Ken shut his eyes against the pain and the tears welling up. _No, that’s not right. I’m here. I’m real. Or are my delusions the real ones, and I’m just the figment?_

Still locked in a state of panicked confusion, Ken finally drifted into a feverish sleep.

~~~

“One, two, three...” Daisuke sat alone at a table in a corner of the library. He was leaning back in his chair and counting the cracks on the ceiling. Anything to keep his mind off the task at hand.

 _What am I gonna say to him when he shows up?_ Daisuke wondered. _Should I say anything? Maybe he doesn’t remember. But what if he does? What do I do? Play dumb?_ A horrifying thought occurred to him. _What if he wants to know if I_ liked _it? What do I say? If I say no, maybe he’ll forget about it, even if—_

Even if that would be a lie.

Daisuke squirmed in his seat. He didn’t want to think about that. Thinking about that made his head hurt.

 _If I’m lucky, he won’t remember it. Then everything’ll be okay, right? He can forget and I can forget and everything will be all right._ He touched a hand to his lips. _But...that’s the first time I’ve ever had a kiss like that. I could feel his breath on mine, feel_ him _inside of me....It was—it felt special._ Daisuke shook his head. _What the hell am I_ thinking? _Ken’s another boy, I can’t—I couldn’t—I_ don’t _feel that way about him. There’s no way, it’s insane, it.....but it just felt so_ good _to be touched like that...._

“Aargh!” With a muffled shout of exasperation, Daisuke’s head dropped down onto the table. Things were becoming way too complicated for his taste.

“Daisuke.” He glanced up. Ken stood beside the table, his expression tight. He looked like hell. His face was paler than usual, and there was a gash across his forehead. He wasn’t wearing his coat and he appeared to be wearing the exact same clothes from the night before. There were grass stains on his jeans and a few small leaves in his hair, which looked as though it hadn’t even been brushed.

“Oh, Ken.” Daisuke sat up quickly. “I, uh, I got some books for us to begin our research in, and, uh, and....” His voice degenerated into a quiet mumble.

Ken nodded curtly and sat down across the table from him.

“Fine. I’ll take these two books and look through them. You take those.” His voice was cold and distant.

Daisuke eagerly grabbed a book and buried his face in it to hide his confusion and embarrassment.

 _Does this mean he doesn’t remember? Or what if he_ does _remember and he’s just trying to see if I remember and if I don’t remember he’ll say something and then he’ll get mad at me and..._ The thought trailed off as Daisuke peered over the book at Ken, who was reading and paying no attention to his companion whatsoever. _Maybe he doesn’t. He looks really bad. That’s gotta be one hell of a hangover. Maybe if I don’t say anything about the kiss he won’t either. Unless I bring it up. Should I bring it up? If he’s forgotten there’s no reason to bring it up. Unless he wants me to bring it up. Or maybe he wants to forget it. He was really drunk last night, after all. The kiss was an accident. Or was it? If I remind him, will he get mad? Maybe he’ll think I’m lying if I say something. Aw man, my brain hurts._

The two of them sat in silence for nearly an hour. Daisuke was constantly shifting in his seat and stealing glances at Ken over his book, but Ken sat still as stone the entire time, moving only to flip pages and, at one point, change books.

Daisuke was trying hard to concentrate on his first book when he caught a glimpse of his watch.

“Oh! Um...um, Ken?” he ventured hesitantly. When he got no reply, he repeated in a stronger tone, “Ken?”

Ken slowly lowered his book and looked at Daisuke with undisguised annoyance.

“What?”

“Well, um, I know I said we’d only have to meet this once, but, um, well, can we meet again some other time? ‘Cause we haven’t really discussed the project that much and I kinda have to leave...”

The look Ken gave him could have frozen fire solid.

“I’m sorry!” Daisuke burst out. “I didn’t think it would take this long. I gotta meet some school therapist or something. I forget her name, but...” Daisuke trailed off weakly. Ken’s frozen gaze had turned boiling hot in a matter of moments. Slowly, dangerously, he laid the book on the table and looked Daisuke full in the face.

“So...” he hissed. “It’s that damn woman again, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” Daisuke blinked. “What do you mean? I’m just goin’ to see the therapist, I guess for some random checkup or something...”

“Don’t play dumb!” Ken snapped. Then he smiled bitterly. “Ah, I forgot. You don’t _play_ dumb. Well, you’ll see soon enough. I know what that damn woman wants with you. It’s just like with the others. And you’ll tell her all she wants to know, more even. I can tell by those damn honest eyes of yours. You’ll betray me again, the way the others did. It’s nothing less than I expected.” He stood up to leave.

“Wait a sec!” Daisuke jumped to his feet. “What are you talking about, Ken? What’s wrong?”

“You’ll see soon enough,” Ken said. Daisuke was suddenly and uncomfortably aware of how close they were too each other. He wanted to back up, but he was rooted to the spot.

“See....what?”

“You’ll tell her everything, I’m sure of it,” Ken continued. “All because you want to _help_ me...” He moved forward slightly, his head bowing a little as if he were about to whisper into Daisuke’s ears. His gaze rested briefly on the other boy’s face, and in that moment. Images flashed through his mind.

 _...A cool night...his breath on my cheek..._

 _...Lips meeting...tongues intertwined..._

 _... Fevered passion, a touch of flesh on flesh..._

 _...”Just one taste....”_

“No!” Ken stumbled back. His head snapped up to look Daisuke in the eyes again. “I kissed you.” It was almost an accusation.

“I--you--well--” Daisuke stammered.

“I did. I kissed you.” Ken’s hands fluttered up as if to touch his lips, but he stopped them halfway up and stood still. “Last night. I kissed you.”

“I....”

“Answer me! I did, didn’t I?”

“Well....yeah,” Daisuke admitted. His eyes met Ken’s and in a moment a strange transition overtook the other boy. Ken’s wide violet eyes suddenly grew flat and hard as stone.

“So I did. I thought so. You’re not a half bad kisser, even if you are a fool.” Ken laughed bitterly and turned to go, as if he no longer cared what he had done. “Go spill your secrets to that damn woman if you wish. What harm can you do to me? Ignorant as you are. You haven’t even figured out the game yet.” With a derisive laugh, Ken strode out of the library.

Daisuke stood by himself, scratching his head at Ken’s sudden and inexplicable shift in character, and wondering if things had just gotten worse.


	8. Bury My Lovely

“So....Motomiya Daisuke,” Dr. Masanori said, leaning back a bit in her chair and holding her pen in between her fingers as if it were a cigarette, “how are you?”

“Uh....okay.” Daisuke squirmed impatiently on the couch. After his previous meeting with Ken, he wasn’t in the mood to sit still and answer questions.

“Good, good. Are you adjusting well to being back in Japan?”

“Um, yeah, I guess.” Daisuke fidgeted and looked at the walls.

“That’s nice to hear. How are classes?”

“Fine,” Daisuke replied vaguely.

“Good. And your friends? How are they?”

“Uh, same as always, I guess.” Daisuke shrugged. “Hikari’s still sweet, Takeru’s still annoying, Iori’s still serious, Miyako’s still weird, Ken’s still....” He dragged off.

“Still....?” Dr. Masanori prompted.

“He’s—he’s, um....” Daisuke wasn’t sure what to say.

“Is your friend having trouble, Daisuke?” Dr. Masanori asked kindly. Daisuke, his eyes fixed on his feet, didn’t notice the sudden intent gleam in her eyes.

“Uh.....no,” Daisuke lied, though his tone made the lie obvious

“What is it, Daisuke? You see troubled.” Dr. Masanori put on her best caring face. “I may be able to help you. Are you having a fight with your friend, perhaps?”

“Kinda,” Daisuke admitted. “I mean, I thought everything would be okay when I got back, you know? I thought everything would be just the way I left it. But...it wasn’t. It changed.”

“What changed, exactly?”

“Ken.” The word was half a longing sigh. “I don’t know what happened to him, but he’s—he’s really mad at me. When Dr. Tsuwari assigned us to work on a project together, he got up and stomped out of class, he was so pissed. He’s not acting like himself. He’s acting like the K--” Daisuke cut off abruptly.

“Like the what?” Dr. Masanori leaned in closer. “I didn’t catch that.”

“Uh, nothing,” Daisuke said quickly. “And anyway, you don’t care about this Ken stuff, right? Don’t you wanna ask about my sanity or whatever some more? ‘Cause I’m fine, really.”

“No, no, I’m very interested in hearing about your friend,” Dr. Masanori assured him. “Tell me more. How did you feel when you came back to find your friend different from when you had left him? Did anything spring to mind as to what could be the cause?”

“Not really,” Daisuke admitted. “I didn’t know he’d be so different. I mean, he used to write me letters and we talked on the phone and he was.....kinda okay...”

“Letters? What sort of letters?”

“Just short stuff,” Daisuke said. “He only wrote me ten letters though, all in the first month.” He gave a hollow laugh. “Guess I shoulda figured out something was wrong from that, huh?” _Yeah, I should’ve. Stupid, stupid Daisuke._

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Dr. Masanori advised. “You couldn’t have known things were going wrong. Out of curiosity, do you still have those letters?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, I do. They’re in my backpack.” Daisuke pointed to his backpack, lying against the wall.

“Really? May I see them?”

“I don’t know why I didn’t figure out that something was wrong,” Daisuke continued, apparently not having heard her. “I should’ve. Ken’s my _best friend;_ I shoulda known there was something up. The letters were really long at first. He told me everything. He told me about his classes and his teachers and even what the weather was like. It was like he didn’t want me to forget everything. And I talked with him on the phone, too. And I—I guess it never occurred to me that he wasn’t doing any of the talking.”

“I see,” Dr. Masanori said, writing something down on her notepad, though her eyes kept drifting towards Daisuke’s backpack.

“I shoulda seen it,” Daisuke repeated to himself. “Why couldn’t I tell? He seemed okay when I left. He didn’t get mad or look upset or ask me to stay or anything. I—I woulda stayed, if he wanted me to. I know he doesn’t like it when anyone goes away, ‘cause of the whole thing with Osamu and everything. If he had said something, I woulda stayed. But he didn’t. And I—I guess I kinda forgot about him, somehow. It was really exciting, that first month in America. Wallace showed me all this cool stuff, and when I got back to his house all I wanted to do was call Ken and tell him about it. But it never occurred to me until I hung up the phone to ask him about what was going on in _his_ life, in his world. I even wondered if he missed me sometimes. But he never said anything to me. He was just.....quiet.” Daisuke suddenly felt a lump in his throat. _So what if Ken was quiet? Ken’s_ always _been quiet. I could just read him before. I knew what was wrong before he opened his mouth. I just_ knew. _I was the only one who could read him like that. I was so happy about it, ‘cause if he was sad and no one noticed, I could cheer him up. I—I like protecting him. I remember when we defeated him when he was the Kaiser and he broke down in the middle if the Digital World and I felt bad. I never wanted to see him like that again, ‘cause he was my best friend and I wanted to see him smile. So how’d I miss the problem this time? Is—is this really all my fault? Because I didn’t see what was wrong, and I should’ve? I_ always _knew. But sometime last year I lost him. I lost him and I...._ Daisuke swallowed hard, feeling tears well up inside him and willing them down. _And I don’t know how to get him back._

“Daisuke? Are you all right?” Dr. Masanori’s voice snapped him out of his reverie.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” Daisuke said quickly. “I was just...thinking and stuff.”

“I see. Now, about your friend Ken...can you pinpoint when his behavior took a turn? Perhaps by using his letters?”

“Not really.” Daisuke shrugged. “Kinda. They got shorter and shorter, and then they just stopped. I wrote him myself a few times after that, but he never replied. I—I didn’t really even notice the first time around how short his letters were getting. I just....” He trailed off.

“Hmm. Do you think I could see those letters?”

“Why would you want to....” Understanding hit Daisuke like a cement truck as Ken’s words came back to him.

 _“I know what that damn woman wants with you. It’s just like with the others. And you’ll tell her all she wants to know, more even. I can tell by those damn honest eyes of yours.”_

“You just wanted to ask me about him!” Daisuke jumped to his feet. “ _That’s_ why I’m here! It’s because of Ken!”

Dr. Masanori seemed surprised at his sudden outburst, but she recovered quickly.

“Well, yes, I do admit that I had an ulterior motive in bringing you here,” she admitted. “But you must understand, it was all with the best of intentions.” She gave   
Daisuke a serious look. “Your friend is very ill, Daisuke. I’m certain of it. However, there’s nothing I can do for him until I figure out exactly what’s wrong. He’s very quiet, very recalcitrant. I can’t get any answers out of him, and half the time I doubt he’s even listening to me when I talk to him. So I turned to you and your friends for that.”

“Why?” Daisuke asked. “I mean, you had to know Ken would get even madder if you called us in.”

“It was the only way,” Dr. Masanori said dismissively. “Would you rather I give up on him altogether? Because I’m about two steps away from doing that. I’ve been working with him for months, trying to coax even the barest bit of information from him to no avail. The more I push, the more he resists. Your friend is a very unique person, Daisuke. Even his face betrays no emotion. Every time I feel like I’m getting close to a breakthrough, he pulls away again. Can you blame me, then, for trying to garner my information another way?’

“But—but you should’ve told me that in the first place!” Daisuke argued. “I—I would’ve—“

“Told me everything?” Dr. Masanori stared intently at him. “Will you tell me everything, Daisuke? His reaction when I spoke your name was the most emotion I’ve seen from him in a long time. I’m certain that you hold the key to what is troubling him. Will you tell me all I need to know?”

“I.....I....” Daisuke trailed off. _I should help her. I could show her how the letters change, and tell her about his weird behavior lately. Then maybe she could help Ken and I could—what? Let her do it all and leave until Ken was better? I can’t do that! I want to help him. I want him to tell me what’s wrong. And—and—_ Ken’s words suddenly echoed through his head.

 _“You’ll betray me again, the way the others did. It’s nothing less than I expected.”_

“No,” Daisuke said, barely aware that he was speaking aloud. “I won’t.”

“You won’t?” Dr. Masanori couldn’t hide her obvious surprise. “Daisuke, I don’t think you understand. Your friend needs help.”

“Then _I’ll_ help him.” Daisuke stood and grabbed his backpack as he headed towards the door.

“Motomiya-san.” He paused in the doorway as the therapist’s stern voice called after him. “You understand that it’s too much for you to handle, don’t you? That by helping you will likely make things worse?”

Daisuke didn’t answer for a moment, his eyes fixed on the ground.

“I can help him. You have to know that.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Daisuke said, very quietly.

“What was that?” Dr. Masanori leaned forward.

“I’m sorry,” Daisuke repeated. “But I—I just can’t betray him like that. I can’t. And—and I know it’s stupid but....I just can’t. I’m sorry.” With that, he quickly ducked his head and left the room, his final words echoing behind him.

“I’m sorry.”

~~~

When Ken got back to his room, Wormmon was gone. The fact both soothed him and troubled him. If the Digimon was gone, then he wasn’t there to torture Ken with the words of a conscience. But his absence also served to enhance Ken’s belief that his hallucinations had become solid.

 _“Precious illusions, eh, my dear?”_ The Kaiser was lying on Ken’s bed, smoking a cigarette. _“Hold on to them while you can. Little slut.”_

“Leave me alone,” Ken muttered, leaning on his desk. “It has to be a dream. It _has_ to be. I couldn’t have kissed him.”

 _“Don’t sound so upset,”_ the Kaiser admonished. _“The little brat isn’t a half bad kisser. And of course, you’ll attach yourself to anything that’s willing.”_

“Shut up!” Ken slammed his hands down on the desk. “I couldn’t have kissed him. I couldn’t have been that drunk, to—to let myself go like that.”

 _“Accept it, darling. You’re nothing but a whore.”_

“I said, shut up!” Ken’s voice was ragged. “I need to think. I-I need to figure this out logically. There’s no way I could’ve--” He lowered his head into his hands. “I couldn’t have kissed him. If I kissed him, then—then he has to know that I--that I once--” Ken shook his head. “How could I be so stupid?”

 _“Do you want the short answer or the long?”_ The Kaiser grinned wickedly and blew smoke in Ken’s face. _“Don’t look so upset. Your dear Daisuke is nothing but an idiot. A boy with all the brains of a roasted tadpole. He won’t figure out anything that you haven’t told him yourself.”_ The Kaiser rose from the bed and draped a hand around Ken’s shoulders. _“You know what he’s doing now, don’t you?_ Betraying _you. Will you love a traitor?”_

“I don’t love him!” Ken snapped.

 _“Don’t you?”_ The Kaiser laughed. _“Then you’re as stupid as he is. I know where your feelings lie.”_ He touched Ken’s chin and forced the other boy took at him. _“That’s why I have to break you, love. Because until I cut that length of red thread that holds you two together, you can’t be wholly mine. That’s what_ I _want, you see. Nothing less than you yourself, even if I must blacken your heart beyond the telling to do it.”_ He leaned in and kissed Ken hungrily. _“And I will have you. You’ll hate him with all that’s left of your soul when I’m done.”_

“Go away!” Ken turned and aimed a blind punch at the Kaiser, who caught his fist easily.

 _“Not anymore, pet. You don’t have the strength to banish me anymore._ I _am the master now.”_

“Just--just be quiet,” Ken said. “I don’t want to hear this.”

 _“Of course you do. If you truly didn’t want me, I wouldn’t be here. This is all your doing. All your fault.”_

“All my fault,” Ken repeated. He laughed bitterly. “Of course it is. It’s always all my fault. All of this....it’s all because of me.”

 _“And the kiss....that was your fault too. Little fool that you are, you thought you could control yourself. If you weren’t such fun to toy with, I would’ve killed you for that alone.”_

“I know.....I know it was my fault...” Ken lowered his eyes and caught sight of the bottom drawer.

 _I told him about the knife too, didn’t I? I almost remember. I wonder if it’s still there. If he cares so much, has he left me my one last chance at escape?_

Carefully, Ken reached down and opened the drawer. The Kaiser eyed him over his shoulder, but made no move to stop him as Ken took stock of the contents.

The crest of kindness was what first caught his eye, almost mocking him.

 _Kindness...what a joke. An utter lie. There’s no such thing as kindness, or at least if there is, it doesn’t exist inside me. There’s nothing inside me. I don’t know why I even kept it. Why keep something that’s meaningless? I should have thrown it away long ago._

“Be certain to keep that,” the Kaiser purred suddenly. Ken started in surprise, then realized that the Kaiser meant the whip.

The only other object in the drawer was the letter. Ken tentatively reached for it, carefully examining the seal. It was unbroken. Ken breathed a sigh of relief.

 _He didn’t touch it. At least there’s that. But the knife is gone._ Ken’s eyes narrowed. _I don’t know where I’ll find another one. But I suppose that’s why I took a room on the second floor. There’s always the window, if ever I really need it._

“What about that?” The Kaiser pointed to the letter, his nose wrinkled in disgust. _“You don’t want that filthy thing, pet. It’s a relic and a lie. You don’t need it.”_

“But I--“

 _“What use could you have for an unsent letter and the lie it contains? I have forbidden you those feelings, precious. Get rid of it and you sever the connection further.”_

“I--I don’t want to,” Ken admitted, holding the letter close to his chest. “Why should I? It’s mine, too, like all the rest.” He didn’t quite know why he was so adamant about keeping the letter. He just knew that his chest tightened up at the thought of tossing it away.

 _“Don’t be an idiot. If it wasn’t for your foolish letter and your foolish attraction, you wouldn’t be here. And besides, what if your precious Daisuke gets a hold of it, hmm? A letter is easily resealed. Perhaps he already read it. Wouldn’t_ that _be a pretty thing to tell that damn woman about? Perhaps he’s doing it now, describing his perverse little friend and his sick illusions.”_

“He--he wouldn’t.” Ken smiled slightly. “He’s not me. He’s too pure to read something like this, something private. He wouldn’t read something not meant for him.”

 _“Ah, but it_ was _meant for him,”_ the Kaiser reminded him. _“Your faith is sickening, my dear. Perhaps I should leave you to him. I’ll have fun watching him snap your soul in two when he’s sick of you.”_

Ken was silent, staring at the letter. Finally, he spoke.

“What do you want me to do?”

 _“Burn it. Tonight. Leave nothing but ashes.”_

“And then....”

 _“Then forget.”_ The Kaiser smirked and captured Ken’s lips in a kiss. _“Forget all of it and surrender wholly to me. Let my spirit be your own and leave nothing but his ashes in your memory.”_

Ken nodded slowly, his eyes downcast.

“Tonight, then.”

~~~

The sun had been down for about an hour when Ken exited his dorm. He had the letter folded up inside his coat pocket, hidden from sight. Checking to be sure that no one was about, Ken slipped around the building to the back, leaning against a trash can as he lit a cigarette.

 _“Go on,”_ the Kaiser urged, suddenly appearing beside him. _“Don’t you want to watch it burn?”_

“Give me a moment,” Ken said. “I don’t want anyone to catch me.”

 _“Why not?”_ The Kaiser shrugged. _“Burn it, darling. Then you can let him go at last.”_

“R-right.” Ken nodded. Bringing the cigarette to his lips, he took a puff then placed the burning end next to a dirty notebook lying in the trash. The paper immediately caught fire.

 _“You’ll need more than that,”_ the Kaiser stated. Ken nodded.

“I know.” He put out the cigarette and pulled out his lighter, starting a small flame. Then he dropped the lighter into the trash can and stood back as flames began to shoot up from inside.

 _“That’s it,”_ the Kaiser urged. _“The flames are warm, aren’t they, love? Perhaps we should just let it burn forever. We might be able to burn the entire building down. That could prove interesting.”_

“I’m not trying to set the entire place on fire!” Ken argued. “It’s just one small letter.”

 _“It’s a lot of fire for one letter,”_ the Kaiser remarked. _“You’d like to, wouldn’t you? To watch it all burn. Look at the ground, littered with old papers and cardboard boxes. If you tipped over the garbage can, perhaps you could start a nice fire back here. Then we could lie back and watch everything be consumed in smoke. You’d like it.”_

“No, I wouldn’t.”

 _“Of course you would. I would, and so you have to. Destruction is always sweet, my dear, be it fire or ice.”_ He leaned forward, whispering in Kens’ ear. _“I’ve always expected the world to end in fire. I’m quite fond of sweeping away the ashes.”_

“You don’t want me to burn the dorm down,” Ken said dryly. “Then we wouldn’t have a bed. And your stupid whip would be destroyed with everything else.”

 _“I can always get a new whip,”_ the Kaiser said dismissively. _“And who says we even need a bed?”_

Ken decided to ignore him and pulled the letter out of his coat. He glanced down at it, then at the fire.

 _“Go on,”_ the Kaiser urged. _You don’t need it. An unsent letter is only useful as ashes.”_

“Right.” Steeling himself, Ken held the letter over the fire. The corner began to burn.

“Hey! Who’s there?” A voice cut across the darkness.

 _“Run, you fool!”_ the Kaiser ordered seconds before he disappeared. Ken didn’t even need to hear him. He darted around the opposite side of the building just as a member of campus security appeared.

“You, stop!” Ken heard the guard’s voice, but he didn’t stop. He ran around to the front of the hall and dashed inside.

 _“He won’t follow you,”_ the Kaiser remarked, reappearing by the stairwell. _“He’s got to deal with that fire.”_

“So? I think he might have seen me.” Ken glared at the Kaiser. “All I need is to be arrested for an arson attempt. And I can just imagine what that damn woman would have to say about my sudden pyromaniac tendencies.”

 _“Don’t be such a worrier, darling,”_ the Kaiser said. _“We can always burn it tomorrow.”_

Ken didn’t bother to reply as he headed up the stairs to his room. Through the open window he could hear the sounds of a growing crowd outside. He walked over to the window and peered out.

There was a group of students crowded near the side of the building, being shooed away by security. By the large amounts of smoke Ken could guess that the fire hadn’t been put out yet.

 _“Damn nuisance,”_ the Kaiser growled behind him. Ken looked at him curiously, and the apparition pointed into the crowd. _“There.”_

Ken’s eyes followed where the Kaiser pointed. Standing on the outskirts of the crowd were Takeru and Daisuke.

“Daisuke....” Ken breathed. Just at that moment, Daisuke’s head snapped up and their eyes met. Ken held the gaze steadily.

 _Don’t look away....he’ll know how weak you are if you look away..._

A minute passed and Ken broke the gaze, stepping away from the window and lowering the blinds.

 _Why did he show up here?_ Ken thought. _He’s drawn to me still. And--and somehow I can’t get away from him. No matter how hard I try to avoid him, he won’t leave me alone. No matter how much I try to hate him..._

Almost unconsciously he removed the letter from its envelope. One side was slightly burned away from where he had burned the corner of the envelope, but it was still intact. Ken felt his eyes sting as he read the first few words.

_Dear Daisuke,  
I love you._

Impulsively, he crumpled the letter and threw it in a corner.

“No,” Ken said deliberately, his voice frozen. “It’s a lie. You are nothing to me now.

Nothing at all.”


	9. Now I Lay Me Down

“Ken, stop looking at the door. I’m not letting you leave early again.” Dr. Masanori sighed, looking rather put-upon. Hours after the disastrous session with Daisuke, she had gotten a call about the trashcan fire near Akai Hall. The security guard had apparently seen someone who looked similar to Ken fleeing the scene, and she had agreed to have a session with him to see if he had anything to do with it.

It would have been easier to get answers out of a lump of coal.

“This is pointless,” Ken said crossly. “I told you, I had nothing to do with that fire. I didn’t even know there was one until those damn security guards knocked on my door accusing me. They don’t even have any proof. It’s just easiest to blame things on the mentally disturbed kid.” Ken smiled bitterly. “Isn’t that right, doctor?”

“You’re not being used as a scapegoat, Ken.” Dr. Masanori gave him a stern look. “The guard on duty saw someone thin wearing a coat like the one you always wear. If it was you--“

“It wasn’t,” Ken said succinctly. “There are plenty of people who wear coats like this. You just wanted an excuse to dig around in my head some more.”

 _“That’s the way, pet. Tell that damn woman to go to hell and we can get back to more important things.”_ Ken’s muscles tensed slightly at the sound of the Kaiser’s voice. The Kaiser had never before accompanied him into a therapy session, but, try as he might, Ken couldn’t get rid of him. It made things much more difficult, as the Kaiser was lying beside him on the couch, half draped over Ken’s body and whispering in his ear.

“Ken...” Dr. Masanori sighed. “I don’t know how you expect me to leave you alone when everything you say tells me you need my help more than ever. I’d be much more open to believing your innocence if you weren’t so evasive.”

“I’m not being evasive,” Ken said. “I’m just telling you all that’s important. I didn’t start any fire. Why do you insist on hearing all the details of what I was doing at the time? I thought you were a therapist, not a police officer.”

“What _were_ you doing?” Dr. Masanori asked. “I can’t just take your word for it, Ken. You know that.”

“You know nothing,” Ken spat. “I was in my room. Alone. Do you really need anything more than that?”

“What were you doing in your room?”

 _“Getting mindfucked,”_ the Kaiser whispered, laughing. Ken ignored him.

“Homework.” He shrugged. “Do you need to see that as well, doctor? I’m sure you could read all manner of psychoses just by observing my quadratic equations.”

“You don’t need to be so sarcastic.” Dr. Masanori shook her head, then tried another tactic. “All right. Since you had nothing to do with the fire, do you know who did?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Ken said. “Why would I know anything? I didn’t know about the fire until I saw the crowd gathering outside.”

:“I thought you said the police told you,” Dr. Masanori said, jumping on his mistake.

 _“Nosy bitch,”_ the Kaiser grumbled, kissing Ken’s neck. _“Hurry it up, love. Once this is done we can go somewhere more private.”_

“I didn’t know the specifics until the police showed up,” Ken lied glibly. “I saw a crowd gathering and I saw smoke, but I didn’t know that it was a trashcan fire until they told me.”

“I see.” Dr. Masanori chewed on her pen and was silent for a few moments, observing Ken. He stared coldly back at her. “You know this game of yours is pointless, Ken. You’re not doing a very good job of hiding what you feel.”

“Don’t try to bluff me, doctor,” Ken retorted. “I’d say I’m hiding things quite well, wouldn’t you?”

“So you _are_ hiding something.” Dr. Masanori smiled, feeling as if she had at least scored a minor victory.

“Oh yes, enjoy your cleverness,” Ken scoffed. “You already knew I haven’t been telling you everything.”

 _“And damned if you ever do,”_ the Kaiser added.

“And damned if I ever do,” Ken finished.

“You can’t keep this up Ken. Something’s going to give before too long.” Dr.   
Masanori’s manner changed swiftly from kindly and calm to stern. “I can help you. You   
know that, you’re just too damn stubborn to listen to me.”

 _“Tut, tut, such language,”_ the Kaiser admonished.

“Should you be using such language in front of your patient?” Ken asked, smiling slightly.

“If it would get you to listen, I’d swear like a sailor,” Dr. Masanori said. “You always have to be difficult, don’t you?”

“Yes, I’m sure it would be much easier if I just spilled everything like the rest of the weak-willed sops you have coming in here,” Ken and the Kaiser said together.

“It would be better for you if you were,” the therapist stated.

 _“Ooh, she’s threatening us.”_ The Kaiser laughed. _“Worthless woman.”_

“Are you threatening us, doctor?” Ken asked mildly.

“Us?” Dr. Masanori raised an eyebrow.

“What?” Ken looked suddenly like a rabbit in the middle of a busy highway.

“You just said, ‘threatening _us._ ” Dr. Masanori looked at him intently.

“Slip of the tongue,” Ken said. “A simple mistake.”

“Really?” Dr. Masanori regarded him intently. “Has this slip happened before?”

“Why do you care?” Ken would’ve rolled over so as not to look at her, but the Kaiser’s presence made it impossible. He was currently nibbling on Ken’s ear.

“Ken....” Dr. Masanori sighed, rubbing her temples. “I don’t understand why you won’t listen to me. You’re a smart enough kid. Can’t you see that you can’t fight whatever it is you’re fighting alone?”

“How do you know?” Ken challenged. “You’re not me. You can’t understand me. No one understands me, no matter how much they like to act as if they do.” _Like Daisuke, for instance._ “I can handle things myself.”

“If you can handle things yourself, then why does it seem like you’re self-destructing in front of me?” Dr. Masanori countered. “You may not say anything, Ken, but I’ve been having sessions with you since last year. I can see you’ve gotten thinner.”

“So? What has that to do with anything?” Ken smiled darkly. “Looking to add anorexia to that growing list of problems you attribute to me? I know you’ve got one. In your desk, perhaps? A little list entitled ‘The Million Psychoses of Ichijouji Ken.’”

“Yes, very funny.” Dr. Masanori glared at him. “That little mask of yours is going to crack someday.”

“If it does, I assure you that you won’t be there to see it,” Ken replied.

“Is that a threat?”

“Do you want it to be?” Ken gazed at her out of vacant eyes.

There was a long silence. Finally Dr. Masanori shook her head.

“This isn’t healthy, Ken. If you’d let me help I could--“

“You could what? _Fix_ me? Make it all better?” Ken’s lip curled. “I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand, doctor. You don’t have the skill to help me, even if I would let you.”

“How can you know that?” Dr. Masanori challenged.

 _“Because she’s an idiot,”_ the Kaiser sneered.

“Because you’re an idiot,” Ken stated.

“Being rude isn’t going to get you out of here any faster, Ken,” Dr. Masanori said, undaunted.

“Why do you persist in continuing this session anyway?” Ken challenged. “I told you, I had nothing to do with the fire. Besides,” Ken added, his eyes narrowing, “didn’t you get all the answers you need out of _Daisuke?”_

There was another long silence as Ken’s question sunk in.

“So. You know about that.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes, _doctor,_ I know about that. You’ve been dipping into my affairs again.” Ken repositioned himself slightly to allow the Kaiser better access to his neck, which was currently being kissed. “I’m sure he told you all sorts of wonderful things.”

“Actually, I think you’ll be interested to know that he told me nothing at all.”

Ken started in visible surprise. The Kaiser ran his tongue down the side of Ken’s neck and brought him back to his senses.

 _“She’s lying.”_

“You’re lying,” Ken scoffed. “That idiot probably told you everything you needed and more. He had to have betrayed me, just like the rest of them.”

“I assure you, I’m being perfectly truthful.” Dr. Masanori shook her head. “I tried my best to get him to talk, I admit. But he refused to say anything.”

Ken stared at her, suddenly unsure. He hadn’t been prepared to hear that.

 _Then--then he_ didn’t _betray me? He didn’t tell her anything...why? I thought--the way he was acting, I thought he would’ve wanted to tell her everything. Why? Why didn’t he betray me? Doesn’t he understand? Doesn’t he know how much harder this makes things?_

 _How much harder it makes it for me to hate him?_

“I see _that_ gets a reaction,” Dr. Masanori observed. “Is it really such a surprise, Ken? Is there a reason you were so certain that he would, as you put it, ‘betray’ you?”

“My reasons are my own,” Ken growled and turned away, only to find himself face to face with the Kaiser.

 _“Don’t listen to_ her,” the Kaiser purred. _“Since when has she ever told you the truth? It’s all a part of her scheme to get you to talk. Your dear Daisuke probably told her all of your secrets, and then told her to formulate a lie because he knew how it would affect you. Don’t fall so easily into her trap.”_

“But--but--“ Ken said, too softly for Dr. Masanori to hear. “But he--“

 _“Don’t be so weak. Can you really believe anything that damn woman says? She’d do anything to get inside your precious little head. Do you think a lie is beneath her? You put too much faith in her word. Or is it, perhaps, that you put too much faith in your darling Daisuke?”_

Ken closed his eyes and shook his head desperately.

 _“Don’t listen to her, pet. There’s nothing she can do to you. She knows_ nothing _of the truth. But we do, don’t we, love?”_ The Kaiser took Ken’s head in his hands and kissed him lovingly. _“Yes, we know the truth. She’s a lying little rodent, and Daisuke is no more than a pathetic traitor. They’re all against you. You understand that, don’t you? I’m the only one who cares for you. You haven’t forgotten that, have you?”_

“Ken? Are you all right?” Dr. Masanori leaned in closer, and Ken abruptly stood.

“I’m leaving.”

“This session isn’t done yet, Ken,” Dr. Masanori reminded him sternly.

“Then try and stop me.” Ken gave her a challenging stare. The Kaiser walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Ken’s waist.

 _“Mmm...that’s the way. You know how I hate it when you act weak. You don’t have to listen to a word she says. What can she do to you?”_

“Ken--” Dr. Masanori started, but Ken had already pulled open the door.

“I won’t be coming back,” he said harshly. “I don’t need to listen to you. You can’t do anything for me, not now. I’m too far in.”

With that, Ken left, the Kaiser walking along beside him.

~~~

“Daisuke, stop that. Being miserable isn’t going to do Ken any good.” Takeru turned around in his chair to glance at Daisuke, who had been lying on his stomach atop his bed for the past hour, staring at the walls.

“It’s not like there’s anything else that I can do,” Daisuke grumbled. “Every time I talk to him, it just makes things worse.”

“You just need to keep trying. I’m sure you’ll get through to him eventually.”

“How do you know?” Daisuke muttered. “Right now it just looks like I’m ruining things all over again.” _And he kissed me. What am I supposed to do about that? I can’t just forget it. He_ kissed _me! And...and it almost felt nice._

“You just need to stay optimistic,” Takeru said comfortingly. “It’s not going to help Ken if _you_ start getting depressed too. What happened, anyway? You’ve been acting upset since we got back from the party a few days ago?”

“It’s nothing.” Daisuke sighed and rolled onto his back. “I just had a talk with that therapist lady. She wanted to talk to me about Ken.”

“She did?” Takeru raised an eyebrow, then shrugged. “I guess I should’ve figured that’s what she’d try to do. She called all of us in last year.”

“What?” Daisuke leaned over the bed. “Did you tell her anything?”

“Well....yeah.” Takeru suddenly looked vaguely guilty. “We thought it would help. I mean, you weren’t there, and he wouldn’t listen to any of _us._ I hoped that the therapist would be able to do something. She’s a professional, after all.”

“Hmmph. I didn’t like her very much,” Daisuke said. “She tried to trick me into telling her about Ken.”

“You didn’t tell her anything?” Takeru looked surprised. “Daisuke...”

“I know, I know! It was stupid of me. But I just....I just couldn’t do that to him.” Daisuke turned his miserable gaze back on the walls. Takeru stared at him for a second, then sighed, a slight smile forming.

“Don’t be so upset. I understand, sort of.” Takeru turned back to the computer. “You wanted to help him yourself, that’s all. And for what it’s worth, I think you have a better chance of doing so than that therapist does.”

There was silence behind him. Then Daisuke spoke, his voice subdued.

“You think?”

“Sure.” Takeru glanced back at him. “He always trusted you, Daisuke. You were the one who was closest to him. If he’s going to listen to anyone, it’ll be you.”

There was another silence before Daisuke nodded.

“Yeah...maybe you’re right. Thanks, Takeru.”

“Don’t mention it.”

There was a scuffling noise beneath the bed and Wormmon suddenly emerged, looking tired and strained.

“Wormmon! Where’ve you been?” Daisuke jumped off the bed onto the floor. “I was looking for you yesterday morning.”

“I....I went to see Ken-chan,” Wormmon admitted.

“Alone?” Takeru asked, and Wormmon nodded.

“What is it, Wormmon?” Daisuke questioned nervously. He didn’t like the look on Wormmon’s face.

“He--he--“ Wormmon burst into tears. “He’s _hurt_ , Daisuke! I could see it. He didn’t even seem to know me. He--he thought that he was imagining me. And then he got mad and--and he kicked me. And then he ran away. I think I scared him away.” He sniffled. “I don’t understand what’s happened to him. It’s--it’s like he’s broken. He’s gotten worse since the last time he visited me.”

“Broken...” Daisuke nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Wormmon. I should’ve warned you.”

“We have to help him, Daisuke,” Wormmon said. “I don’t want to see him like that again. I want him to be happy.”

“So do I.” Daisuke nodded. “But I don’t know what to do! You guys keep expecting me to perform some miracle and make things better! And--and I don’t know how! What am I supposed to do when he won’t even talk to me?”

“You can’t give up,” Takeru said.

“I know.” Daisuke put a hand to his head. “I _know_ that, but I’m not sure what else I can do. Every time I try to talk to him, things get worse. I think I’m getting through to him and then I slip up and say something wrong and everything’s messed up again.”

“Calm down,” Takeru said. “It won’t help him if you get worked up like this, Daisuke.”

“Yeah, I know, but...” Daisuke trailed off, then shook his head. “I-I’m gonna go for a walk, okay? I need to think.” Without waiting for any sort of answer, Daisuke grabbed his coat and left.

~~~

Ken wandered the campus, his eyes lowered. The sun was setting, and he hadn’t been back in his room since before the session with Dr. Masanori. Part of him simply didn’t want to go back into the small, lonely room, and the other part of him was worried that the therapist might have gone so far as to call security to take him from his room by force.

“Do you think she’d do that?” Ken whispered to his constant companion. “Do you think she’d really have me tied up and taken to a mental institute or a hospital, all because I walked out?”

 _“She probably would,”_ the Kaiser stated. _“That damn woman is too nosy for her own good. She needs to be taught a lesson.”_

“I don’t want to do anything to her,” Ken said. “I’ll just try to avoid her. They can’t force me to go to see her, can they? I have rights. They can’t tie me down and drag me away against my will, can they?”

 _“Let them try,”_ the Kaiser purred. _“We’ll tear them apart if they do. You know that I can. I saved you against those boys that attacked you last year, didn’t I? You were ready to let them pound you into nothing until I took control and showed you what to do.”_

“I know....” Ken lowered his head. “I know. You’ll protect me, right? If anything bad happens, you promised you’d protect me.”

 _“Of course, darling,”_ the Kaiser said, stroking Ken’s hair. _“You leave everything to me. I’ll make things better. I’ll crush them all for you. Won’t that be nice? To watch everything be destroyed. Certainly much better than me being forced to watch you slink about in your bedroom, crying like a baby bereft of his favorite toy. I can give you the strength that you so obviously lack. Because I love you. Remember that, precious. I love you. I, and I alone.”_

Ken nodded morosely, his eyes fixed on his feet.

“Maybe it would be better if she did send me to a mental institute. Strap me to a bed and pump drugs into my body. Then everything might be quiet....and I wouldn’t have to feel. I’m so tired of feeling.”

 _“Don’t be like that, love,”_ the Kaiser admonished. _“Feeling is wonderful thing. Feeling hate, for example, can invigorate you. That’s all you need. Someone to hate. Then you could let that hate burn every atom of your being, firing you up so that you could be so much more to me than what you are now...”_

Ken opened his mouth to reply when the Kaiser suddenly pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him.   
_“Shh. Look there.”_

Ken peered cautiously around the corner of the building he stood next to. Walking along a few feet away, oblivious to Ken’s presence, was Daisuke. Ken stifled a gasp.

 _“Isn’t this a lucky opportunity? Let me take things over for now, pet. I assure you, when I’m done, you’ll feel the hatred boil beneath your skin like magma.”_

Daisuke was lost in thought. He wanted to help Ken, and he knew that everyone expected him to. But he didn’t know what to do. It seemed like nothing he ever did or said was the right thing.

 _But I can’t give up,_ he thought. _I can’t let myself do that. I can’t let Ken down._ He reached under his coat and touched the knife strapped inside. He needed to dispose of it, but he wasn’t sure how or where. His first impulse had been to throw it away, but he was worried that if he did, someone might find it and start asking questions. If he just left it somewhere, someone might see him leave it. Worse yet, if he simply left it somewhere or threw it away, Ken might find it again. And there was no way Daisuke was going to let Ken get his hands on it again.

“Daisuke.” He glanced up as someone called his name.

“Yeah? Who’s there?” Daisuke looked around.

“Over here, idiot.” Daisuke whirled around to see Ken leaning against a building. Daisuke thought there was something strange about his eyes.

“Ken? What are you doing out here?”

“Taking in the night air.” Ken smiled. “Come here.”

“Why?” Even as he voiced the question, Daisuke took a step towards Ken.

“I want to....talk to you. You wanted me to talk, didn’t you?”

“Well....yeah, but I didn’t think you wanted to.” Daisuke inched towards Ken, who was already turning as if to walk away.

“If you don’t want me to talk anymore I won’t.” He turned his head to look at Daisuke, a strange glint in his eyes. “I’d be mute for you if you wished it.”

“I don’t get it,” Daisuke said. “I thought you didn’t like me anymore. You were always telling me to go away.”

“I changed my mind.” Ken inched further into the shadows, and Daisuke followed him. When Daisuke was only a few steps away from him, Ken whirled suddenly and grabbed him by the collar of his coat, pulling him into a kiss.

Daisuke felt his brain whirl in confusion as Ken’s lips met his. The other boy held him caught for a long moment before breaking away.

“K-Ken, I....” Daisuke couldn’t find the words. His mind was still filled with the memory of Ken’s lips on his.

“Didn’t you want that?” Ken asked mildly, leaning against the side of the building. He licked his lips. “You certainly seemed to like it.”

“I--I--” Daisuke stuttered. _What do I say? This isn’t like Ken at all. He’s so....different from before. What does he want me to say to that?_

“Mmm...you’re a good kisser,” Ken said, smirking. “Even if you are...a fool.” He reached forward and touched Daisuke’s chin. “Yes, you liked it, didn’t you? Just like before. Didn’t you enjoy it?”

“I--Maybe--I mean, I guess.” Daisuke looked down, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “It--it was kinda nice. I--I mean--that is--” His voice trailed off.

“Don’t deny it, my ‘darling.’” Ken’s tone was almost mocking. “You want me, don’t you? I can see it in those lovely little eyes of yours.” He moved forward, and Daisuke suddenly found himself pressed up against the wall.

“K-Ken--” Daisuke gulped. “Ken, you’re starting to scare me a little...”

“Yes...I like that...” Ken leaned forward to whisper in Daisuke’s ear, one of his hands moving underneath Daisuke’s jacket. “Seeing you squirm is _so_ delicious...”

Daisuke barely had time to gasp before Ken snatched the knife out of his jacket and, in one swift movement, whirled Daisuke around and pinned him so that his face was to the wall and Ken’s knife was at his throat.

“Little thief,” Ken hissed, his body pressing Daisuke’s closer against the wall. “Thought you could take this from me, didn’t you?”

“Ken--Ken, what are you doing?” Daisuke could almost hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. _What’s wrong? This--this isn’t Ken. This_ can’t _be Ken._

“I don’t know,” Ken murmured. His free hand snaked forward, unzipping Daisuke’s jeans. Daisuke froze. “Don’t move, dear. I wouldn’t want to cut you on accident.”

“I--Ken, this isn’t you!” Daisuke gulped. “I know it’s not you.”

“You know _nothing._ ” Ken’s tone was biting. His hand slipped under Daisuke’s boxers, stroking his cock. Daisuke shuddered at the touch, and Ken smiled. “Do you fear me, Daisuke?”

“Ken--Ken, stop this!” Daisuke swallowed again, his throat dry. Ken’s hand encircled his cock, squeezing slightly. Daisuke bit back a whimper of pain.

 _No no this isn’t right this isn’t_ Ken _this can’t be Ken!_

“Ken, you’re not yourself,” Daisuke said, trying desperately to keep calm. “I know this can’t be you. You would never do something like this.”

“You’re a fool to think that,” Ken scoffed. “I could kill you right now, you know that. I could do worse. You’re at my mercy now.” Ken squeezed Daisuke’s cock and the other boy cried out in pain. “Yes, scream. I love to hear that. Scream and beg me not to touch you. Not to get inside you. Hate me with all the fire you have.”

“I--I won’t,” Daisuke said. “I don’t care what you do to me, Ken. I won’t hate you.”

“You lie,” Ken growled, laying the sharp edge of the knife right next to Daisuke’s throat. “You’ll hate me when I’m done. I’ll make you do whatever I want and then I’ll kill you, you understand? And you’ll die hating me.”

“I won’t,” Daisuke shot back. He was trembling slightly. “I-I’m sorry, Ken. I can’t hate you. I know you’re not yourself. The Ken I know wouldn’t do this. And I’m not going to give up now or else I’ll never get that Ken back.”

There was a soft gasp from behind him and the knife moved forward ever so slightly. Ken’s grip on Daisuke’s cock loosened, and Daisuke couldn’t repress a slight whimper at the feel of Ken’s hand.

“I won’t give up on you,” Daisuke repeated. “And I won’t hate you, Ken. Don’t you get it? You’re the one person that I _can’t_ hate.”

There was a long, tense moment, and then Ken’s hand removed itself from Daisuke’s pants. The knife fell silently to the ground. Hesitantly, Daisuke turned.

“Ken...”

But Ken was already gone, running blindly away from the alley into the darkness.

“Ken!” Daisuke took a step to follow him, then stopped as the enormity of what had just happened hit him and he realized that he was shaking like a leaf. As Daisuke dropped to his knees, he began to sob quietly, alone in the dark.

~~~

“I’m leaving!” Ken kicked open the door to his room and grabbed a duffel bag, tossing it on the bed. He pulled open the closet door and began throwing clothes into the duffel bag.

 _“Something wrong, dear?”_ the Kaiser asked, leaning on the doorframe.

“Do you know what you’ve done?” Ken accused, blinking rapidly to dispel the rising tears. “Do you know what you _almost made me do?”_

 _“So?”_ The Kaiser shrugged and lit a cigarette. _“If that doesn’t keep him away from us, nothing will.”_

“I won’t be seeing him again,” Ken said flatly. “I can’t stay here, not anymore. I’m leaving.” He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and absently tossed the crest of kindness into his duffel bag.

 _“Poor dear. Running away again, as usual.”_

“How can you expect me to stay?” Ken demanded, stuffing one last shirt into his duffel bag along with a pack of cigarettes and zipping it closed. “After what you did, I--I can’t face him again. Not after that. I have to get out of here before I hurt someone else.”

 _“And where will you go, hmm? The Digital World again? They’ll find you.”_

“They won’t.” Ken very deliberately unhooked his black D-3 from his belt and set it on the desk. “I’ll go....somewhere. I don’t know where. I’ll just keep walking until everyone’s forgotten about me. No one will care. No one cares about me...not now.”

 _“Why so sad?”_ the Kaiser asked. _“This place was getting dull anyway.”_

“Shut up!” Ken snapped, hoisting his duffel bag over his shoulder. He walked past the Kaiser into the hall, then stopped and spoke, his back to the Kaiser. “It didn’t work.”

 _“What didn’t?”_

“Your plan. I don’t hate Daisuke.” Ken turned to look at him. “I hate myself.”

The Kaiser laughed.

 _“Silly boy.”_ He walked over and wrapped his arms around Ken’s neck, kissing him. _“What makes you think that wasn’t my plan all along?”_


	10. If I Could

“Daisuke. Daisuke, what is it? What happened?” Takeru shook his head. Daisuke had returned to the room the night before highly upset about something. He had crawled into bed without a word, and hadn’t spoken since, no matter how hard Takeru tried to get him to talk. “Daisuke, come on. What’s wrong? Does this have something to do with Ken?”

“Mmmph,” was the muffled reply.

“Daisuke--” Takeru started to say something more, but cut off when Daisuke turned to look at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked absolutely miserable.

“Takeru, could you just, you know, leave me alone for a while?” Daisuke’s voice was uncharacteristically subdued. “I’m not feeling too well.”

“Sure,” Takeru replied, looking surprised. “I’m going to go meet the girls and Iori for breakfast, okay? We’ll be in Miyako and Hikari’s room later if you’re feeling better.”

“Thanks.” Daisuke managed half a smile.

“I’ll take Wormmon with me,” Takeru added, nodding to the little Digimon asleep under his desk chair. “He could probably use some fresh air.”

“ ‘Kay.” Daisuke watched in silence as Takeru gathered up Wormmon and deposited the still-sleeping Digimon into his backpack, then, with one last worried look in Daisuke’s direction, left the room.

Daisuke sighed heavily and rolled over so he could look out the window. It had just begun to rain outside.

 _Ken...._ Daisuke felt a shiver run through him. _Why? I don’t understand. The Ken I know wouldn’t try to do something like that. It’s like there are two of him, and one’s trying hard not to feel a thing, while the other really_ doesn’t _feel a thing._

I wonder why he wanted me to hate him. Daisuke ran his finger along the glass of the window, tracing the path of a stray drop of water. _Doesn’t he understand that I can’t? And--and I think I almost_ want _to. I mean, I_ should _hate him, after what he almost did last night. I shouldn’t want anything to do with him. But even after what happened, all I can think about is what he’s feeling right now. Is he hurting still? Is he okay? He didn’t take the knife back with him, but what if he has another? What if he hurts himself?_

The thought filled Daisuke with panic. He suddenly jumped down from his bed and grabbed the phone, preparing to dial Ken’s number before realizing that he didn’t know it.

 _I could look it up online._ Daisuke made a dash for the computer. He started to type Ken’s name into the campus directory, then stopped.

“This is stupid,” he said out loud. “Even if he _was_ there, he wouldn’t talk to me. He--he hates me.” Daisuke glanced back at the computer screen, then down at the keyboard. _Ken...._ He typed Ken’s name into the directory and found his number.

“I just want to make sure,” he said. “I won’t even say anything to him. I just want to be sure that--that he didn’t do anything. That’s all. It’s not stupid. I’m just worried. I want to hear his voice, just so I know...”

Steeling himself, Daisuke dialed the number. The phone on the other end rang and rang, and with each unanswered ring Daisuke felt his nervousness increase. After ten rings he finally gave up and hung up the phone.

 _Where_ is _he?_ Almost unconsciously Daisuke began to pace the room. _What if he really did do something to himself? What if he really_ did _have another knife and he slit his wrists or something? He could be bleeding to death right now! Or maybe he tried to hang himself or something! Or maybe--_

 _Or maybe he’s just at breakfast and you’re getting all worked up for nothing._ Daisuke sunk down in the desk chair, resting his head in his hands. _What’s wrong with me? Why am I so worried about him?_ I _was the one who was attacked, not him. Why I am worrying about the guy who held at a knife at my throat and threatened to kill me?_

“But still...” Daisuke said softly, his eyes downcast, “I just couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him.”

~~~

”Are things really that bad?” Miyako leaned half off her bed, staring down at Takeru and Hikari, who were sitting on the floor with Wormmon between them. Wormmon and Takeru had just finished relating Daisuke’s current condition. “With Ken, I mean?”

“I don’t understand what’s happened to him,” Wormmon said miserably, and Hikari reached forward and cuddled him.

“It’s all right, Wormmon,” she soothed him. “I’m sure we’ll figure out some way to fix things.”

“I don’t know,” Takeru said darkly. “I thought that if Daisuke came back, he’d be able to make things right with Ken. But something happened last night, and I’m almost certain that it has to do with Ken.”

“But if Daisuke can’t reach Ken, what hope do we have?” Miyako said. “He was Ken’s best friend after all. You’d think he’d be able to fix things.” She smiled sadly. “I know he misses Ken, too. He wouldn’t give up on him.”

“I’m starting to think he might have,” Takeru replied. “You should have seen him. He looked awful this morning.”

“What do you think happened?” Hikari wondered. “You don’t think Ken could’ve...done something to him, do you?”

“No!” Wormmon burst out. “My Ken-chan would never hurt Daisuke. Not on purpose. He....he couldn’t.” Wormmon looked downcast. “I know he couldn’t.”

“Then what--” Miyako was cut off by a knock on the door. “Come in!”

The door opened to reveal Iori. He looked even more serious than usual.

“What is it?” Takeru asked, getting to his feet.

“Ken’s gone,” Iori reported gravely.

“What?” In a flash everyone was one their feet and crowding around Iori.

“He’s run away again,” Iori reported. “After what Takeru mentioned in his e-mail about the way Daisuke was acting, I decided to stop by Ken’s room to see if he was acting strange as well. The door to his room was wide open and the police were there. They wouldn’t let me in, but from what they told me, the boy in the dorm next door woke up this morning to find Ken’s door open and the room empty, with the drawers open and clothes strewn about. He knew that Ken doesn’t normally leave his room, so he called campus security. Security’s been looking for Ken all over, but no one’s seen him since early last night.”

“So he’s gone?” Hikari asked. In her arms, Wormmon made a whimpering noise.

“He can’t be gone,” the little Digimon said helplessly. “He’s all alone! He wouldn’t run away again, he doesn’t--he wouldn’t--” Wormmon blinked away a tear. “Not again...”

“So....who wants to tell Daisuke?” Miyako said after a moment.

“We won’t tell him,” Takeru said. “Not yet.” He turned to Iori. “You said they wouldn’t let you inside Ken’s room?”

“They won’t let anyone inside,” Iori said. “If he doesn’t reappear by tonight his parents are going to be called; from what I was told no one wants to worry them unnecessarily if he just stepped out and forgot to close the door, unlikely as that is. If he hasn’t been found in two days, they can call the police and start an investigation.”

“We need to get inside that room,” Takeru decided. “There may be something in there that the police would overlook.” He glanced over at Ken’s Digimon. “Wormmon... you were able to get in through the window once before, right?”

“Yes,” Wormmon said, nodding.

“All right, then, let’s head over to Akai Hall and see if you can find anything that might tell us where exactly Ken went.”

~~~

 _“Hold still. How do you expect me to get any pleasure out of this if you never stop to enjoy it?”_ the Kaiser complained as he walked side-by-side with Ken along the side of the road. The Kaiser was trying to get Ken to take a break, but Ken continued walking, despite being soaked to the bone by the rain. He hadn’t stopped moving since he left the campus.

“I can’t stop,” Ken replied in a dead voice, waving a hand at the Kaiser as if shooing away a troublesome gnat. “Don’t you get it? The farther away I go, the better. If anyone notices I’m gone, they may follow.”

 _“Hmmph. You overestimate them,”_ The Kaiser sniffed. _“So what if they notice? Do you really think anyone will care? They’ll cheer, probably. Especially that little brat, Daisuke.”_

“Don’t mention his name!” Ken whirled to glare at the Kaiser. “J-just stop talking, will you? Whenever you talk it’s like the world’s spinning on its head and I can’t think.”

 _“Poor baby.”_ The Kaiser walked up behind Ken and wrapped his arms around Ken’s neck, running a finger down his chest. _“Don’t you want to hear the name of the one you love? Perhaps you’re just angry because you ran away like the coward you are before I could....have my fun with him.”_

“I didn’t want you to do that,” Ken said, his eyes fixed on the grass beneath his feet. “I--I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted to be happy.” He laughed bitterly. “What a fool. Stupid Ichijouji, thinking he could _ever_ be happy. I know better now. I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve _anything--”_

“You have me,” the Kaiser chuckled. _“And I’m all you deserve. Why does it matter who you are or what you’ve done? Why does it matter what you feel? You’re nothing more than a shell these days anyway. Let me take over for a while. I’ll enjoy playing in that dry husk you call a body. At least if I’m in control we can have some fun.”_ The Kaiser moved so that he was face to face with Ken. _“Let me into you. There’s no use for your old personality now. What are you anyway? Barely alive. All your feelings are sharp and painful, so cast them away and let me dance in your skin. Then you can forget, as I promised you that you would, and we can live together as one. I can be the master and you the dog.”_ He kissed Ken on the lips. _“And isn’t that what you’ve always been? Nothing more than my dog. You were always better off when I was the one in charge. Remember back when I took over the Digital World?”_ The Kaiser touched a hand to Ken’s cheek, stroking it lovingly. _“That was all for you, pet. We didn’t feel anything then. Until you with your usual stupidity took things over and cried, as you always do. And for what? That stupid worm. It was a waste of a conquest. But now...now you have a chance to make things right again. Let me in. Become me again, and you’ll know peace.”_

“I don’t want to.” Ken shook his head. “It--it would be so easy to let you in, but....”

 _“But what? Do you truly like to suffer, my dear?”_   


“At least that makes me a little more alive,” Ken said softly. “You said it yourself. I’m nothing more than a shell. And--and when the pain is gone I’m afraid that I’ll find that that’s all I’ve ever been. Hollow. Empty. There’s nothing in me that isn’t twisted up in knots.” Ken closed his eyes.

 _“Don’t be sad, my love._ I’m _here for you now. I’ll always be here.”_ The Kaiser smirked and Ken looked up darkly at him.

“I hate you,” he whispered.

 _“I know,”_ the Kaiser replied. _“But you only hate me because I’m you. And you love me too, because I am all you can be. I am your past and I will be your future.”_

“No.” Ken shook his head and began walking again. “You’ve got it wrong. I have no future.”

 _“Is that so?”_ The Kaiser laughed. _“Then maybe I’ll leave. I hear there’s a keg party back on campus tonight...”_

“No!” Ken was surprised at the plaintive note in his own voice. “You--you said you wouldn’t leave me.”

 _“I lied.”_ The Kaiser laughed and began to disappear.

“D-don’t!” Ken started to run after him, but found himself falling to his knees in the grass, his arms wrapped around himself as if cold. “You said you wouldn’t leave me. I--I don’t want to be alone. It’s cold when I’m alone. It’s numb.”

 _“So now you need me?”_ The Kaiser walked over and embraced Ken, who had begun to shake. He kissed Ken on the forehead. _“Now, now, don’t fret, my love. That was simply another reminder. You can’t banish me anymore because you_ need _me. Without me you’re worthless. Isn’t that right?”_

“That’s right,” Ken replied, the words half sobs.

 _“You have nothing without me,”_ the Kaiser continued, his tones deceptively soothing. _“No home...no friends...no one cares for you but me...”_

“No one,” Ken repeated brokenly.

 _“I am your only love. I am your only hate. Everything you are begins and ends with me. You are my puppet, my plaything. You do what I tell you.”_ The Kaiser stood and stared down at Ken, still crouched in the grass. _“Do you understand now, pet? Will you remember the rules?”_

“I will,” Ken replied softly, never looking up. “I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m clingy and pathetic and nobody wants me around. Nobody cares for me. I’m not worth caring about.”

 _“Good boy.”_ The Kaiser offered him a hand up. _“Now come along. Let’s find somewhere private where we’ll be alone.”_

Stiffly, Ken stood. Without a word he followed the Kaiser away from the road, his eyes still downcast.

 _So in the end, this is all I am, a lapdog of my own delusions. Why do I keep doing this?_

Why can’t I just die?

~~~

Takeru, Hikari, Miyako and Iori stood by the side wall of Ken’s building, Hikari holding Wormmon in her arms and Iori and Miyako holding umbrellas.

“So that’s Ken’s window up there?” Takeru turned to Wormmon, who nodded.

“I think so. It was dark the last time I was here, but I think that’s it up there.”

“It’s open,” Miyako said.

“Lucky for us,” Iori added, nodding. “We should move closer.” He looked around warily. “Fortunately there aren’t that many people around because of the rain. No one should see us.”

Carefully the group moved so that they stood right next to the wall. Wormmon hopped out of Hikari’s arms and began to climb up the side of the building while the others stood around and tried to look nonchalant.

Wormmon clambered up the wall to the second floor and peered inside the open window. The room was empty and the door closed. Clothes and other belongings were strewn everywhere, so much so that for a moment Wormmon thought he was looking into the wrong room. That was when he noticed Ken’s black D-3 lying untouched on the desk.

“Oh no...” Wormmon pulled himself through the window and jumped to the floor. He walked over to the desk, staring miserably upwards. “Ken-chan....you really left, didn’t you? But--but you left your D-3 behind...and you left me behind...” Wormmon lowered his eyes. That hurt almost as much as the thought of Ken leaving.

“You’ve never left me behind,” Wormmon said softly. “Even when you were the Kaiser you had me with you. But now you’re all alone somewhere.”

Wormmon sat there in silence for a few moments, heaped in misery at the thought of Ken, lost and alone in some unknown place. Finally he moved forward and climbed up on the desk, picking up the black D-3.

“I’ll take this to Takeru and the others,” he decided. “Maybe it can help us find Ken-chan.” That decided, he hopped off the desk and was returning to the window when he noticed a piece of paper lying crumpled in the corner. Curiously he moved closer, and was able to make out the words _‘Dear Daisuke’_ written on at the top of the paper. The rest was too crumpled to read without smoothing out the paper first.

“A note?” Wormmon picked the letter up as well, holding it along with the D-3. “Maybe--maybe Ken-chan left a note to tell Daisuke where he went. That _has_ to be it. Otherwise....” _Otherwise, we might never find him. I might never see him again!_

Wormmon felt tears rising up again and quickly climbed back towards the window. He hurried down the side of the building as fast as he could go while holding the letter and D-3 in his two front pods.

“What did you find?” Takeru asked as Wormmon hopped onto the ground. The little Digimon held out the black D-3, which Takeru took from him.

“He left his D-3 behind?” Miyako said in surprise.

“That’s bad,” Takeru murmured. “It means we can’t trace him. And it definitely means he was serious about running away, if he didn’t want us to follow.”

“And that means he’s not in the Digital World, either,” Iori added. His face was grave. “I was worried that he might have gone back there again.”

“I almost wish he had,” Hikaru said. “Then at least we’d know where he’s gone.”

“Wormmon, what’s that paper you’ve got?” Miyako reached for the letter, and Wormmon turned slightly to move it out of her reach.

“It’s addressed to Daisuke,” he said seriously. “Ken-chan wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to read it.”

“All right then,” Takeru replied, nodding. “Let’s go see Daisuke.”

~~~

Ken leaned against a brick wall, a lit cigarette in his hand. Though the rain had stopped, Ken was still soaked, his hair tousled and his clothes crumpled and muddy. He was staring blankly ahead, lost in his own world.

 _“So what now, my darling?”_ the Kaiser asked from beside him. _“Poor thing, you’re so pale. I think I’ve worn you down to the bone. Let’s find somewhere to get something to eat, shall we? I’m in the mood for black coffee.”_

“I don’t have much money,” Ken said between puffs on his cigarette. “I don’t know if I can afford anything to eat. And I still need a place to stay tonight, unless I decide to sleep outside.”

 _“You’d be safe,”_ the Kaiser said. _“Let someone try to attack us while you sleep. I’ll cut him to ribbons in seconds, and enjoy it all the while.”_

“If you want.” Ken shrugged. “I don’t care. Who’d want to rob me anyhow? We’ve got less than twenty dollars. I’ll probably die out here anyway.”

 _“Don’t be so pessimistic,”_ the Kaiser said. _“You forget who I am. Now that the rain’s done, people will be out on the streets again. Let me take over and I’ll get us some money.”_

“No,” Ken said quickly. “Not again. Not after what you almost did last time. I--I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just want to fade away quietly and be forgotten.”

 _“I won’t harm anyone,”_ the Kaiser said in wheedling tones. _“Just pick a pocket or two. If you must disappear, then let’s do it somewhere comfortable. A cheap hotel, perhaps. A robbery or two, and we’d have enough for a room. We can get something to eat as well. After all, dear, you need to eat. Or would you rather collapse in the street and be taken to a hospital? Ten minutes of searching and they’d know who you are. They’d send you back to your parents, and they’d send you back to therapy. Do you want that again? If you’re caught this time, you won’t be able to escape. They’ll all be watching you like a hawk, suspicious of your barest movement. Twitch an eyelid at the wrong time and you’ll be locked in your room for months. Cough the wrong way and you’ll be packed off to a mental hospital to get your brain picked by every psychologist in Japan. Maybe you’ll even make headlines. ‘Former Child Genius Goes Insane.’ They’d pick around inside your head, force you to tell all your deepest secrets.”_ He smirked. _“Maybe they’d even find out who you love. Wouldn’t that be a treat for them to know?”_

“I don’t care about that,” Ken replied, but his voice trembled.

 _“Of course you do. You can’t fool me, pet. I know every part of you, every thought in your head, every inch of alabaster skin. I know the way you breathe, I know the way you love. And most importantly of all, I know what you fear. You fear that if anyone else found out who your heart feels for, everything would collapse.”_ The Kaiser reached over and plucked the cigarette out of Ken’s fingers, taking a puff on it himself. _“Aren’t I right? Could you stand that so stoically? At least what I did to your Daisuke has earned his hate, despite all he says. But what if he knew how you felt?”_ The Kaiser laughed. _“On second thought, perhaps that would be interesting. It would be deliciously ironic, would it not, if what earned his ire at last was not your hate but your love? There was, after all, a reason your letter was always unsent.”_

“He would hate me if he knew,” Ken said softly. “You think I don’t know that? There’s no way Daisuke could ever love me. I should never have presumed to think that he might. I forgot my place. I was foolish enough to think that after all was done, he would return my feelings and we would be happy. But he left, and then I knew. I should be punished for even _thinking_ that he might care for me. I’m not a person you care for. I should never have dared to dream, because of what I am. I’m a person who could never be loved, not by anyone. If Daisuke knew, he’d hate me more than ever. So he can’t know.”

 _“So do you see my point now?”_ the Kaiser asked. _“If you have decided that we must disappear and never return, then you have to make sure that there is no way we’ll ever be caught. You don’t want to go back now, do you my darling? The closer you remain to your precious Daisuke, the closer he will come to discovering that little secret you’re hiding in your heart. That’s why you need me, because I have no heart. That’s why I can care for you. And that’s why no one else ever will.”_

“Stop talking,” Ken replied, closing his eyes. “Please, just stop talking. I don’t want to hear this right now.”

 _“You don’t want to hear the truth?”_ the Kaiser questioned. _“That’s all it is. You know I only speak what you know in your heart is true. There is nothing left for you but me, my love. Now listen to my counsel and do as I say. Let me in control this once, so I can help us survive for just a little longer. I can get you something nice to eat, and a warm bed for us to sleep in. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”_

Ken was silent for a long moment, his eyes averted. Finally, he sighed heavily.

“Just--just don’t hurt anyone,” he said. “All we need is the money. I don’t want anyone else to be hurt.”

 _“All right, if you’re going to be such a coward about it.”_ The Kaiser grinned wolfishly. _“I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do.”_ At Ken’s sudden, horrified look, the Kaiser laughed. _“Just kidding, my darling. After all, we know there isn’t very much that you wouldn’t do. Don’t worry. I won’t hurt anyone, since you’re so set against it. Not this time, anyway.”_

“Whatever,” Ken said dismissively. “Just do whatever you want. I don’t care anymore. It all ends the same anyway.”

With that, Ken turned away and closed his eyes, until all feeling inside had been swept away like sand by the tide.

~~~

Daisuke lay on his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had tried calling Ken twice already, and he was starting to get worried.

 _Why? Why am I so concerned about him? He_ attacked _me. I’m supposed to hate him, but--but I just can’t. I meant what I said last night. I care about him, and I can’t stop caring. He’s my best friend. I have to help him, to bring him back from wherever he is. I told that therapist lady that I would help him, and I really want to. I want to help him go back to the way he was. The Ken that I met last night...that was a stranger. It wasn’t Ken. I know Ken and I know that he wouldn’t hurt me._

Daisuke sighed and rolled over. _But if that wasn’t Ken, then who was it? I felt like I was trapped by the Kaiser for a moment there, and then he turned back into Ken. Is that the problem? Did Ken just lose control or something and the Kaiser took over?_

“And--and it’s all my fault, isn’t it?” Daisuke buried his face in his pillow, muffling his words. “All because I left. Because I didn’t see it coming. How could I miss it? Why do I have to be such an idiot that I couldn’t see how much Ken needed me to stay? If it wasn’t for me none of this would have happened.”

Daisuke sat up suddenly as the door opened and Takeru and the others trooped in, their faces grave.

“Huh? Guys, what’s wrong?” Daisuke jumped down from the bed. “Did something happen?”

“We’ve got bad news, Daisuke,” Takeru said seriously.

“What? What hap--“ Daisuke cut off as he caught sight of the black D-3 in Takeru’s hand. He felt his heart drop. “It’s Ken, isn’t it? What happened to Ken?”

“He’s run away again,” Iori told him. “We don’t know where. He’s just gone.”

“Gone?” Daisuke stared at them. _He left? He--he was so upset that he ran away? But--but he can’t! I can’t help him if I can’t find him!_

 _Maybe it’s for the best,_ a small voice in his head whispered. _He can’t hurt anyone now. If you can’t see him, maybe you won’t have to think about him. You can be happy._

But I can’t, Daisuke realized. _I can’t be happy without him here, without knowing where he’s gone._

“We have to find him,” Daisuke said immediately. “I have to figure out where he went and bring him back.”

“It’s not that easy, Daisuke,” Miyako said. “He left his D-3 behind. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t think he wants you to find him.”

“I don’t care!” Daisuke argued. “I have to find him. What if he’s hurt or something? I mean--I just can’t let him go like this.”

“He left you a note,” Wormmon spoke up. He held the letter out to Daisuke. “I didn’t let them read it. Ken-chan meant it just for you.”

“A note?” Daisuke took the letter from him and stepped back a bit to read. He noticed that part of the paper was burned.

 _So he_ did _start that fire?_ Daisuke stared at the burnt part for a moment. _Then he wrote this before last night. Was he planning on leaving all along, then? But why would he burn it?_ Daisuke briefly recalled the sealed letter he had found in Ken’s desk drawer. _Could this be that letter? How long ago did he write this, anyway?_

“Well? Read it already!” Miyako said impatiently.

“All right, all right!” Daisuke said in annoyance. “Geez. I’m reading. Ahem. ‘Dear Daisuke, I l--” Daisuke’s voice broke off.

“Daisuke?” Takeru noticed that Daisuke’s face had suddenly gone pale. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I--I gotta go.” Daisuke pushed past them and hurried out the door.

“Daisuke, wait!” Miyako called after him. There was no reply.

“What do you think happened?” Hikari asked.

“It must have been the letter,” Iori said.

“I wonder what it said,” Miyako said thoughtfully.

“I know what it said,” Wormmon said, too quietly to be heard. He looked towards the open door, recalling Daisuke’s face as the boy ran out of the room. _That was it, wasn’t it Daisuke? The thing I promised Ken-chan I wouldn’t tell. He told you himself, didn’t he?_

Ken-chan told you himself...he told you that he loves you.


	11. Paths of Desire

Ken wandered into the small cafe, seating himself in an empty booth in a darkened corner and grabbing a menu. The Kaiser was stretched out across from him, another menu dangling loosely from his gloved hands.

 _"See if they have black coffee,"_ he said lightly.

"I don't like black coffee," Ken told him in a flat voice.

 _"If I say you like it, then you like it,"_ the Kaiser said simply. _"Remember, darling, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be able to pay for this meal. The least you can do is order what I like. Unless you'd rather I find my_ own _meal..."_

"I'll order your stupid coffee," Ken replied darkly, his eyes not moving from the menu. At the moment he didn't have the strength to argue with the Kaiser.

 _"That's a good boy,"_ The Kaiser blew Ken a kiss and began flipping through the menu. _"Now, what else should we get? Breakfast, perhaps? It's closer to lunchtime, but you haven't had a bite all day. Maybe we should just get a bit of everything."_

"We need to save some money for a place to stay," Ken said. "I'll ask the waitress if there's a cheap motel or something nearby."

 _"A cheap motel?"_ The Kaiser looked put out. _"I was hoping for something better, precious. You know how I love satin sheets."_

"You'll have to deal with cheap," Ken replied, still not looking up from the menu. "We'd barely be able to pay for one night at an expensive place."

"So? I'll steal us more. Don't be such a cheapskate."

"No." Ken closed his eyes. "I'm tired. I just want to find someplace to stay for the next few nights, then we'll move on. You got us enough money to pay for at least a few nights somewhere."

 _"You're no fun,"_ the Kaiser complained, tossing the menu on the ground. Ken bent to pick it up, only to realize a moment later that there was nothing on the floor.

 _That's right,_ Ken thought wearily. _He doesn't exist, not really. And I don't either. We're just half in reality, each of us. The only difference is that I can touch this,_ he ran a finger along the edge of the menu, _and he can't. He can't throw it on the floor because he's just a manifestation of what's inside me. He's not a real person. I'm talking to nothing._ Ken couldn't suppress a bitter chuckle. _I've gone insane at last, haven't I? I've finally gone completely insane. I know that the Kaiser isn't real, that there's really no one else in this booth....but I'm still talking to him. I still see him. He won't leave me alone because I don't have the strength to banish him._

"Can I take your order?" Ken was jolted out his thoughts by the waitress, who stood staring impatiently down at him.

"Could we--Could I have a few more minutes?" Ken asked politely. "For now all I want is black coffee."

"Sure." The waitress shrugged and walked off. Ken sighed and placed his arms on the table, resting his head on top of them.

"What else should we get?" he asked the Kaiser.

 _"Whatever you want, precious."_ The Kaiser reached across the table and patted Ken on the head, as if he were a dog. _"You need something to keep your strength up. And if you're very good, maybe I'll let you have some of my coffee."_

"You can't even drink it," Ken said, his voice muffled by his arms. "You don't exist. I'm sitting here alone, talking to myself."

 _"Are you?"_ The Kaiser arched an eyebrow. _"Silly pet. What makes you think that I'm not really the one sitting here, and that you're the apparition?"_

"I--I don't know." Ken felt uncertainty rise up within him. "Maybe we're both just shadows. Maybe all of this is just one mass hallucination and we're still in the Digital World trapped in our--in _my_ \-- mind."

 _"Your mind?"_ The Kaiser shook his head. _"No, no. You and I share a mind, my dear. After all, I_ am _you. With a word of consent, I could be sitting there, and you could be shivering in the corner. No one would notice. We're the same and separate at the same time. So your mind is mine as well. I am sitting here just as surely as you are."_

"No you're not," Ken mumbled. "You can't be. You're just in my head, a figment of my imagination. I think I see you. I think I feel you. But in the end, it's all just me. It's all just me slowly damning myself."

 _"If that's true, then it's only because that's what you want,"_ the Kaiser replied in unconcerned tones. _"You're truly pathetic, you know that, dear? All this--myself, the worm, that tattered rag of a thing you call a life--it's all for you. I am here to ease your pain, to make you mine. I am here to make you something more. Yet you refuse me, because you're too pathetic to deal with the knowledge of what I would do if I were in charge. That's why we're here, in a ratty little cafe, running on and on to nowhere. Because you're too weak and pathetic to make up your own damn mind of what you want to be and who you want to be. So you're left being nothing, a pathetic worthless sack of bones and organs and a crumbling mind. You're a conquered castle, a burnt forest, a fallen statue. In short, you're nothing but broken ash and memories."_

"And you," Ken said quietly.

"That's right, my love. In the end, when everything's washed away, I'm all that remains of you. Because I'm the only part of you that ever had any worth to begin with."

"Mmm." Ken nodded slightly. "I know."

 _"Good boy. You won't forget your place this time, will you? You won't forget that I_ own _you, that your soul and you life, your breath, your skin, it all belongs to me. I'm the one thing that binds you to life right now, aren't I?"_

"You're...." Ken trailed off. The Kaiser's eyes narrowed angrily as he discerned the reason for Ken's inability to reply.

 _"Do you still cling to his image as well?"_ the Kaiser demanded angrily. _"Stop this foolish dreaming, pet. There's no way he will ever love you. I thought you figured that out already. You're not a thing worth loving. If it wasn't for me, you'd have no one. You're the most wretched creature that I've ever laid eyes on, how could your precious Daisuke ever feel anything for you but contempt and pity?"_ Ken closed his eyes, not replying. _"Yes, you understand me, don't you? Stop trying to pretend that you don't hear. You know I speak the truth. He never cared for you. He never felt friendship for you, much less love. All you've ever had from him was his pity. Nothing more, nothing less."_

"Stop talking," Ken said in a tired, broken whisper, no real force behind his words. "I don't believe you. Daisuke is--was my friend. I believe that. I have to."

"Why? Because the truth frightens you so much? Face it, my love. You're alone. You've always been alone. You were born with no one but me; you'll die the same way. We're tied together as one, but the others....no, they never cared for you. Anyone else, but not you. What could possibly care for you besides a shadow? You're pitiful. Disgusting. Even I, who love you, look upon you and sneer. Worthless, pathetic creature. Crying into your arms, your pillow, because there's nothing else you know how to do. No, Daisuke never cared a lick for you, my dear. That's why it was so easy for him to leave."

Ken didn't reply, and he never once opened his eyes through the entire tirade. He kept them shut tight and pretended that he couldn't hear. He didn't look up when the waitress returned and set the coffee down in front of him.

Ken shut his eyes as tight as he could and pretended to be dead.

~~~

Daisuke sat on the back steps of the library in the shade, staring at the letter crumpled up in his hands. His head was spinning.

 _He....he_ loves _me?_ Daisuke shook his head. _What the heck? I mean, I--I knew we were friends and all....and he_ did _kiss me before, but....I never thought that he_ loved _me. He never acted like he did...._

 _Or did he? Am I really that dumb, that I didn't notice it?_ Memories came rushing towards him, memories of little things like a look or a touch that suddenly carried more meaning than they had before. Daisuke felt his head spin.

 _He loves me._ Ken _loves_ me. _B-but there's no way. He couldn't love me. I mean, he said himself that he hates my guts. And he tried to burn the letter, except he didn't burn it in the end. Did he change his mind? Or was he just caught so he gave up? But he never threw it away, either. So....does he love me? Did he ever?_

 _But that's not the right question, is it,_ a small voice in his mind whispered. _The question is, do_ you _love_ him?

"I--I don't know," Daisuke said quietly. "I never really thought about Ken like that before. He was just, you know, my best friend. I never really tried to think of him as anything more than that. And besides that, he's a _guy._ Guys aren't supposed to think of their friends like that."

 _But Ken did. Ken thought of_ me _like that. No one's ever been in love with me before. I was always the one chasing after everyone else, but nobody ever really chased after me. Why would they? I'm just stupid old Daisuke. I'm--I'm not the kind of guy people usually fall in love with. I'm not charming, or romantic, or anything like that._

But Ken fell in love with me. And I blew it.

"Why didn't he say anything?" Daisuke murmured. "Is that why things went wrong like this? Because he was in love with me and I never noticed, and then I left? How long has he felt like this for me? Years? And I never even knew that he did, because he was hiding it. My best friend in the entire world falls in love with me and I don't even _realize_ it?"

Daisuke sighed heavily and glanced back at the letter in his hands. Carefully he smoothed out the paper and cast his eyes over it again. He had only read the first sentence before running out the room, but there was more there. After a moment, he started to read.

 _Dear Daisuke,_   


I love you. I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to. I know it's wrong and stupid of me to even write this, to even pretend that you could care for me. I shouldn't even be writing this down. But I do love you. I've loved you for a long time, but I never was able to tell you. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I almost told you the day you left, but I stopped myself because I didn't want to ruin your trip. I know you left because you got sick of me. I chased you away, didn't I? I'm always clinging to you like a leech, never letting you alone. It's all my fault you left, I know. Whenever anyone leaves, it's always my fault one way or another. It's all right though, I understand. If I were you, I'd have left too, I'm sure. Why would you want to stay, with me around? That's why I let you go and didn't say anything. But I had to tell you somehow. It hurts all the time now, and I thought that writing things down might help, so I started with this letter. It hasn't helped much, but it's okay because I'll probably never send it anyhow. But I had to write it down somewhere. I love you, Daisuke. And I'm so very sorry.

The letter was signed in trembling script, as if Ken's hand had been shaking when he wrote it. The ink was also stained in places, as if a few tears had dropped on the letter as it was being written.

Daisuke felt his own tears well up inside. He felt as if his own heart had been torn out and ripped up like paper.

 _Ken...why didn't you say anything, dammit?_ Daisuke's fist closed around the letter, crumpling it further and ripping it slightly. _Why didn't you tell me that you felt this way? This letter sounds so hopeless....it's almost like a suicide note. Why didn't you send it to me? If you had, I would've been on a plane within a day. I would've come back to you._

"You're wrong, Ken," Daisuke whispered. "It's _not_ your fault. None of this is your fault. You--you can't help who you love, and you can't help who you are. I didn't leave because of you. I left because I'm the idiot who didn't even realize that his best friend was in love with him. It's all my fault. How could I be so stupid?" He brushed a hand across his eyes, wiping away the tears.

 _All my fault. This is all because of me. If I hadn't left, things would still be the way they were before. Or would they? Was he ever going to tell me? And can I really go on pretending that I don't know how he feels? Even if I found some way to get him back, things would never be the same between us, not now. I can't just pretend forever. Things can't be the same again because they_ aren't. _Everything's changed. It's stupid to think that we can just go back to being happy best friends again. Not if I've always got the letter in my mind, not as long as I remember the way it felt when he kissed me.._.

Without even realizing it, Daisuke ran a hand across his lips, suddenly recalling Ken's first fevered kiss from several nights ago. He also recalled Ken's kiss from the night before, but that one had been...different.

 _That wasn't Ken yesterday,_ Daisuke told himself firmly. _It didn't--it didn't really feel like him. And that kiss, too....there was something, I dunno, almost violent about it. It felt like he was just toying with me. But that one night when he was drunk....that_ was _Ken. That time, he needed me. I could almost feel it. That was my Ken. That--that was the Ken that loves me._

But was that just because he was drunk? Is that Ken really gone forever?

"What should I do?" Daisuke wondered aloud. "I thought that if I just kept trying, that if I didn't give up, I'd reach him. But that didn't work. He left, and now I that I know the way he feels....should I just let him go? I can't. I don't know what I can do, but I know I can't give up. Not after I've come this far. There has to be some way to reach him, there just has to be! I have to find him and....and what? He hasn't listened to anything I've said so far. And then last night he nearly..." Daisuke shuddered at the memory. "So what's left? Do I go and find him and maybe make him hate me more, or do I just forget about him and lose him forever?"

Daisuke shook his head as if that would clear away the chaos in his mind.

 _I_ can't _just let Ken go! But....do I even have a choice?_

~~~

Ken stared blankly at the coffee in the middle of the table. There was also a small bowl of rice in front of him, but he hadn't the strength to eat any of it. He and the Kaiser were sharing the coffee. Ken reached out and took a sip, then grimaced at the taste.

 _"Too strong for you, darling? Too bad. Get used to it."_ The Kaiser leaned back in the booth, looking pleased with himself. Ken ignored him and picked listlessly at his rice. He suddenly wasn't very hungry.

"We still need to find a place to spend the night," he said slowly. "Unless you'd rather huddle under a box all night long."

 _"Don't be stupid,"_ the Kaiser said irritably. _"You've got the money. Find us someplace dry to sleep. Preferably with a view. I've always loved a view."_

"I'll ask the waitress when we pay for the meal," Ken said. He ate a bit of rice without really tasting it, then stopped and stared at the bowl again. "When I did I start doing that?"

"Doing what, precious?"

"Using 'we.' I only noticed it the one time when that damn woman pointed it out." Ken shook his head. "I wasn't even thinking about it. Have I been using a lot lately? My head hurts and it's hard to remember."

 _"So what if you have?"_ The Kaiser shrugged and took a sip of the coffee. _"We're one, aren't we? It makes sense that you should say 'we.' After all, you're not alone, my love, not as long as I'm here. So it only makes sense that you should refer to both of us when you speak, because we're both here."_

"But you're not," Ken replied. "All the waitress sees is me. If I walked up to her and said, 'we would like to pay now,' she'd wonder who the other person is. I know that I didn't always refer to you when I talked. When did I start using 'we?' Was it before, when that damn woman noticed it? Was that my first slip? I think I've been using it since we left the college...." Ken shook his head. "And there, you see, I just used it again. Talking about how _we_ left. I left, not us. There is no us. Just me."

 _"Of course there's an us."_ The Kaiser contrived to look hurt, then gave up and took another sip of coffee. _"We've been over this. And whether or not I'm really here or you are, you still see me, still hear me. You can stop using 'we' when I'm not here anymore and you're alone."_ Glittering violet eyes regarded Ken like a snake eyes its prey. _"Unless you'd like me to leave now? I could, if you'd like. I just need to finish my coffee."_

"No," Ken replied quietly. "I don't want you to go. You _can't_ go. I--I need someone, even if it's you...."

 _"Of course."_ The Kaiser smiled darkly and downed the last of the coffee. _"You're too scared to let me go. If I went, you fear that I wouldn't come back. And then where would you be? You wouldn't be able to do anything without me here to hold your hand and push you forward."_

"I would," Ken said, very softly. "I would be able to die without you here."

 _"Oh really, love? I doubt it. It's not that easy to kill yourself. That requires a certain delicate balance of courage and cowardice and you, I fear, have only cowardice to offer."_ The Kaiser shook his head. _"Don't worry, darling. I won't let you die, not that way. If the body stops, then I stop too. But if I take over, then....then, you'll be dead, in a manner of speaking anyway. That will be enough, won't it? After all, by the time you willingly let me become you in body and soul, there won't be much left of you anyway."_

Ken started to reply, then thought better of it and motioned to the waitress as she passed.

"I'd like the check now," he said in a low voice.

"Sure." The waitress shrugged and glanced at the coffee cup and bowl of rice. "Don't you want to finish?"

"I'm not very hungry," Ken replied.

"All right. Do you want the rest of the coffee or should I take that too?" the waitress questioned as she removed the bowl from the table.

"The cup's empty," Ken said, shrugging. The waitress looked at him curiously.

"No it isn't. It's still half full, see?" She tipped the cup slightly so that Ken could see that there was still coffee left. For a moment all Ken saw was an empty cup, then he shook his head slightly and saw that the waitress was right. He felt another headache coming on.

"You can take it too, I'm not going to drink anymore," he said. As the waitress moved to go, Ken put a hand on her arm. "One more thing. We--" He winced at the slip, then started again. " _I_ was wondering if you know of any cheap motels or something of the sort around here. I'm looking for a place to stay for a few nights, but I don't have much money."

"Well....the cheapest place I can think of is the motel across town," the waitress said. "It's called the Hizukari Motel, after the late owners. I don't think you want to stay there, though. It's got a bad reputation."

"Why?" Ken asked curiously.

"It's a sleazy kinda place," the waitress said in tones of someone betraying a confidential secret. "All sorts of sleazy guys hang out there, drug dealers and the like. I heard somebody got _shot_ there last week." She smiled a bit. "I don't think that's the kinda place you want to stay."

"On the contrary," Ken said softly as the waitress left to get his check. "That sounds like _just_ the place for us."

~~~

"Daisuke!" The other Chosen Children surrounded Daisuke as he entered the room, Ken's letter still clutched tightly in his hand.

"Are you all right?" Hikari asked. "You left so suddenly."

"Y-yeah....yeah, I'm okay." Daisuke sunk down in the chair by the computer, his arms crossed over his stomach as if he wasn't feeling well. His eyes were downcast. "It's just....somethin' in the letter kinda shocked me. I'm feeling better now."

"Did the letter say anything about where Ken went?" Miyako questioned. "I mean, we need to find him, don't we?"

"Yeah..." Daisuke nodded solemnly. "We do. But he didn't leave any clues in the letter. It just said...some stuff. Nothing important."

"I know what it said," Wormmon spoke up unexpectedly.

"Y-you do?" Daisuke glanced at him and Wormmon nodded gravely. Daisuke recalled their conversation from when he had gone to talk to Wormmon in the Digital World, and the secret Wormmon had refused to tell.

So that was it, then? Wormmon knew all along that Ken loved me...and Ken made him promise not tell me. Was he afraid that I would find out?

"So what do we do?" Takeru wondered. "We can't trace Ken by his D-3, and we don't have any clues to where he might have gone."

"But there has to be a way," Daisuke said, unconsciously clenching his fist. "I need to find him so I can tell him everything's okay. I need to find him and fix things."

"Maybe the police will find him," Miyako suggested.

"I don't think so," Iori said. "Something tells me that Ken won't let himself be found so easily."

"But if even the police can't, I don't see how we can," Hikari murmured. "I don't think there's any way to track Ken if he's left his D-3 behind."

"You have it, don't you?" Daisuke suddenly asked. "Ken's black D-3. You said you took it out of his room."

"Yeah, it's right here." Takeru dug the D-3 out of his pocket and held it out.

"Let me see it." Daisuke picked up the D-3 and looked at it. "Maybe there's something on this thing that'll let me find Ken, like a button or something. It'll want to find its owner, right? Like a dog. There has to be something on here."

"If there was, don't you think we would have found it before now?" Miyako said irritably.

"We haven't had this problem before," Daisuke argued. He began pressing all the buttons at random. "There has to be something on this stupid thing that'll track Ken! There's a reason for these buttons, right? Well, what good are they if they can't track the owner of the D-3? Maybe if I press this one first, then..."

"Daisuke..." Hikari put a comforting arm on his shoulder. "I know you're upset, we all are, but--"

"But nothing!" Daisuke whirled around and the others were surprised to see that he was crying. "I have to find him, don't you guys get that? I--" He turned away, his voice strained. "I almost gave up on him before. I was really close to it. I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything at all. I thought, maybe it would be better if I just waited for the police to find Ken. Or maybe it would be better if I had let the therapist help him instead of me. But--" Daisuke paused, swallowing hard. "But I can't do that. If I give up on him, then that's it. He'll hurt himself or worse, and it'll be all my fault because I gave up. So I can't. I have to believe that I can help him, and that he'll let me. If--if I don't have faith in him, who will?" He sighed. "And maybe it's a hopeless quest. I might just be fooling myself, thinking that someone like me can help him. But hopeless quests are my specialty, right? Everyone says that I'm the guy who never gives up because I'm too stupid to realize when I've lost. And this time, I can't lose. I won't lose. I'm gonna get Ken back, no matter what I have to do." He held the D-3 tightly in his hands. "This _has_ to work. I have to find him, I can't--I can't let him go through this alone--"

A soft beeping noise made him pause. Carefully opening his hands, Daisuke stared at the black D-3. A small blip appeared on the screen, moving away.

"It...worked..." Daisuke stared. "It worked! See, it's telling me where Ken is! It's showing me where to find him." Daisuke hurried to his closet and began packing a small overnight bag. "I'm gonna go find him. I have to."

"Then we're coming too," Miyako said resolutely.

"No." Daisuke's head snapped up to look at her, and he smiled apologetically. "I--I know you guys care about Ken too, but...this is something _I_ have to do. It's--it's not really something that I can explain, so you're gonna have to trust me on this, okay? I have to do this alone."

"But--" Takeru started to object, then he shook his head and smiled. "All right Daisuke, if you think that's best. You can borrow my van, okay?"

"Are you sure you should be alone, though?" Hikari asked worriedly.

"I'll go with him," Wormmon said suddenly.

"You sure?" Daisuke asked. "I mean, I don't want you to get upset if--"

"I'm just coming to keep you company," Wormmon said, hopping onto the bed and looking Daisuke in the eye. "I trust you, Daisuke. If anyone can bring Ken-chan back, it's you."

"Th--thanks," Daisuke replied, looking a little overwhelmed.

"Good luck, then." Takeru pulled his car keys out of his pocket and tossed them to Daisuke. "Bring him back, Daisuke. We _all_ trust you to do this."

"That's right," Hikari added. "We believe in you."

"Thanks guys." Daisuke turned his gaze back to Ken's D-3 and the small red blip showing him Ken's whereabouts. "Don't worry, Ken," he said softly. "I'm going to find you. I promise, this time I won't give up."


	12. Something More Than This

“So this is the Hizukari Motel. Looks just like I thought it would,” Ken mused as he stared up at the decrepit building. It was every inch what a seedy motel should be.

 _“I don’t like it,”_ the Kaiser said, pouting. _“It looks...common. I remember when you had a taste for the finer things in life, which this most certainly is not. There are probably cockroaches in the sink.”_

“So?” Ken shrugged. “If it’s that bad, then it’s less likely to attract people who might recognize me. And, more importantly, it will attract people who won’t care whether they recognize me or not. This seems like a good place to start if I want to disappear.”

 _“You’re no fun anymore, precious,”_ the Kaiser complained. _“There was a time you would’ve scoffed at these accommodations just as I have. Back when you still had a spine, that is.”_

“It’s the best we can do,” Ken replied. “What little we have will get us a few nights here. After that...” His voice trailed off. “I don’t know what we’ll do after that. Maybe there won’t even be an after that.”

 _“You disgust me,”_ the Kaiser said airily, as if this was nothing new or notable, simply a fact. And Ken nodded in reply, as if he too had accepted what the Kaiser said. _“But if this is the best you can do, I suppose I’ll deal with it for now. There’s always the possibility that we can find better accommodations later to make up for these shabby living quarters.”_

Ken nodded again, slowly walking towards the door. A figure huddled in the dark just to the right of the entrance suddenly scrambled to its feet, moving towards Ken. Ken’s eyes caught the familiar glint of a knife and he paused, watching with a strange detached air as the figure moved closer, revealing a tall man in a shabby coat carrying an old but sharp knife. Despite the fact that his reflexes were quick enough to avoid the attacker easily, Ken remained rooted to the spot, barely reacting as the man bore down upon him and placed the knife at Ken’s throat.

“Give me your money, now!” the attacker threatened, his voice rushed and breathless. Ken didn’t flinch.

“You don’t want to do that,” Ken replied in a flat voice.

“Really? Why not?” The knife was pressed closer to Ken’s neck, and he had a sudden flashback to when he had held Daisuke in a similar position. He smiled slightly, wondering why Daisuke had been so frightened. The cool edge of the knife felt good against his hot skin, and he almost longed to pull it closer, to let it cut him and spill his blood.

“I’ll warn you one more time,” Ken said softly. His tone was neither threatening nor overconfident, simply the voice of someone offering polite advice. “He’s very annoyed by you. He’s the only one who gets to toy with me, after all. If you were smart, you’d leave before I let him have his way.”

“Uh-huh.” The attacker laughed and Ken could smell alcohol on his breath. “And who is this we’re talking about, huh, kid? You got a bodyguard or somethin’, hidin’ in the alley waitin’ to ambush me?”

“He says he’ll let me have the knife if I want it,” Ken continued, a strange amused quality entering into his voice, as if he were enjoying a dark joke that no one else would ever find funny. “I dropped mine...before...I haven’t had time to get another. I’ll try to keep him from hurting you too much. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Ken gave a queer hollow laugh, as if he were laughing over someone’s coffin. “I’m afraid that if I do I won’t be able to stop. I’m already addicted to hurting myself, if I start hurting others like you, I might just keep going. I’d be a serial killer in three days or less.” He laughed again, and the attacker felt an inexplicable shiver run up his spine. “He says he’d like that. He says we’d be an unstoppable team like before, and he’s always right. That’s why I keep him close, because I’m always wrong and stupid and disgusting.”

“J-just shut up and give me whatever money you’ve got!” the attacker stated, but his voice had begun to shake. Ken laughed again.

“It’s really not worth it,” Ken continued. “I barely have anything, just pocket change. And it’s stolen money in the first place, all that we could manage in an hour or so. It’s really not worth it to try and steal it. You’re risking your life and you don’t even know it.” Blithely ignoring the knife at his throat, Ken moved a little to the right, cocking his head as he listened to the voice only he could hear.

Then he started to laugh, and his attacker felt a shiver go through him. His hand began to shake and he suddenly jumped backwards, away from Ken.

“W-what are you?” the attacker demanded breathlessly. “Some kinda refugee from an insane asylum?”

“You...think I’m insane?” Ken’s eyes were two hard amethyst stones. He smirked, and when he spoke again his voice was the Kaiser’s. “How amusing. You’re really an interesting little bug. I have an idea. Why don’t you give me _your_ money?”

“Are you nuts?!” Even as he spoke, the attacker stumbled back a step, and Ken stepped forward.

“Didn’t we already establish that?” he asked lightly. “Now now, don’t look so upset. My darling did warn you not to get me mad, after all. Pity he didn’t warn you not to bore me as well.”

Stricken by a sudden, inexplicable terror, Ken’s erstwhile attacker turned to run. Before he quite knew what was happening Ken jumped at him. In mere moments the attacker found himself thrown flat on his back on the ground, his own knife being held at his throat. Ken, kneeling beside him, smiled wickedly.

“There, you see? Now don’t you wish you had let him go when he asked?” Ken questioned. His tone was conversational and non-threatening, but he held the knife closer to the man’s throat as he spoke, drawing just the tiniest bit of blood. “You’re really a fool, you know. He stopped me before because he cared. But he doesn’t really care about you, I’m afraid. You’re just a stranger, after all, and you _did_ threaten us. He might actually let me kill you. Yes indeed...” Ken nodded thoughtfully. “He might at that. He might not intervene to save you the way he did for that fool Motomiya. Wouldn’t that be an interesting thing?”

“L-let me go man,” the man stuttered. Without even realizing it, he began to tremble in fear. “I wasn’t--I wasn’t gonna hurt you or anything, I swear! It--it was all--”

“Quiet. I’m considering.” The man snapped his mouth shut. “It might make for an interesting experiment, don’t you agree? I could kill you and see if he tries to intervene. I doubt he would. He did let me take over, and he isn’t so much of an idiot that he wouldn’t have known what I’d do in his stead. And it _has_ been so terribly long since I spilt fresh blood...I must say, I’ve almost missed it. What do you think, hmm? Should I kill you or not? Answer quick, or else I might get bored and kill you just for the heck of it.”

“I--I--I--” the would-be attacker sputtered, strangely mesmerized by Ken’s glittering eyes, like a bird about to be swallowed by a cobra. Ken smirked.

“What an elegant defense,” he mocked. “My, my, what _shall_ I do with you? There are so many things really. I could kill you slowly, or quickly, or perhaps find a happy medium between the two. I could slice off a limb or two and let you go, how about that? There are oh so many possibilities. I’ve always thought torture is an under appreciated thing. A little messy, true, but effective. And quite fun. It allows the mind to expand in so many creative ways.” He raised an eyebrow as the man began to sob quietly. “You’re crying now? How tiresome. I had hoped that someone so willing to kill someone else for a bit of change would be more...manly, if you will, in the face of his own death. You’re quickly trying my patience. Perhaps I’ll just kill you and be done with it.” He moved to slit the man’s throat, then stopped. He glanced irritably to one side. “Oh come now, precious, why should you care? He nearly killed us, I’m perfectly within my rights to--Oh, all right, darling. If only to shield myself from your whining.” He sighed and stood, placing the knife in his belt.

“I--I--” The man didn’t move, still stuttering.

“Go on,” Ken growled. “He’s given you a reprieve, though I can’t fathom _why._ Consider yourself lucky. I would’ve killed you for sure without him here in my head, whining like the brat he is.”

The would-be attacker gulped and slowly began to stand up. Ken suddenly pulled the knife out again.

“Ah, wait a second.” The man froze as Ken leaned forward and used the knife to work a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of the man’s jeans. Taking his prize in one hand, Ken put the knife away again and waved his other hand in a shooing gesture. “That’s good. Go on.” When the man didn’t move, Ken fixed him with an angry glare. “I said, _go_. Stand there one more minute and I’ll kill you where you stand, Ken or no Ken.”

Without a word, the man turned and fled down the street. Ken watched him go for a moment, then turned back towards the motel. In that moment a marked charge settled over his features and he slumped a bit. The Kaiser reappeared beside him.

 _“Now_ that _was fun!”_ He stretched his arms out, grinning widely. _“You see what a good time we can have when you just let me run the show, my dear? If I hadn’t been here you’d be lying dead in a gutter right now.”_

“You didn’t have to toy with him like that,” Ken said quietly even as he stuffed the cigarettes into the pocket of his coat. The Kaiser glared at him.

 _“Not this again. You’re no fun at all, pet. No one would have cared if I killed that lowlife.”_

“I would’ve,” Ken replied. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, I told you that.”

 _“And I told_ you, _you’re a fool,”_ the Kaiser grumbled. _“There was no reason to save his pathetic life. He tried to kill us, after all. It was his own stupidity in attacking us that would’ve led to his death, if you had let me have my way. He’s just a foolish little puppy who thought he could bark at the wolf. That sort of stupidity_ deserves _death. Just think of it as natural selection at work.”_

“That sort of choice isn’t mine to make,” Ken argued. “I don’t want to kill anyone. If--if you had killed him then....”

 _“Then what? I might have done it again?”_ The Kaiser shrugged. _“So what if I had? I have the power to, after all. And those who have power can do anything they want. Isn’t that why we took over the Digital World? Not because we wanted to, but simply because we_ could.”

“I....I don’t want to do things that way.” Ken lowered his head, shoulders slumped apologetically. “I’m sorry. I can’t--I can’t do things that way.”

 _“Don’t apologize,”_ the Kaiser snapped angrily, and Ken flinched. _“Apology is weak, just as you are. You’re a pathetic mass of nothing, and this is the last time I’ll let you dictate what I do. You’re_ my _slave, not the other way around. Next time, we do things my way.”_ He started towards the motel and stopped in front of the doors, gesturing to Ken. _“Come on, darling. Let’s get this over with.”_

Ken didn’t reply and didn’t move. He stared fixedly at the pavement below his feet, looking as though he were about to collapse. The Kaiser angrily stalked over to him and slapped him. Ken’s head jerked to the side, but he didn’t speak and he didn’t start walking.

 _“I said, get moving, pet!”_ The Kaiser’s eyes bore into him. _“Standing here like a statue won’t do anything for you, my dear. I’ll make you walk, if I must.”_

“I know.” Ken took a stiff step forward, eyes lowered meekly. “I’m sorry. I just...I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want everything to stop.”

The Kaiser’s angry gaze softened into a smile, and he kissed Ken lightly on the lips.

 _“There there, precious. It will stop, I promise you. Yes...”_ He ran a hand along Ken’s cheek. _“Very soon, it will all stop. And then you’ll be nothing but a memory.”_

\---

Daisuke drove along the same road Ken had walked earlier, scanning the area around him as he went for any sign of his friend. He felt tired and strangely sluggish now that his initial fervor had worn off, but he managed to stay awake. Wormmon was perched on the seat beside him, holding Ken’s D-3 and acting as de facto navigator.

“Are we getting any closer?” Daisuke leaned over a little, trying to keep his eyes on the road and Wormmon at the same time.

“A little,” Wormmon said. He looked around. “Ken-chan _was_ here, though, I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah,” Daisuke nodded. “I kinda feel it too. It’s weird, but sometimes, even last year when I was in America, I’d close my eyes and I swear I could hear his heart beating with mine. It was sorta creepy but also...I dunno, comforting. Like he was almost there with me, you know?” He turned his gaze back to road. “I wonder if he ever heard my heart. I don’t think he did. I--I don’t think this would’ve happened if he could.” Daisuke laughed bitterly and shook his head. “That’s a stupid thing to say, isn’t it? Like a little heartbeat could change everything that’s happened.”

“I think it could’ve,” Wormmon said softly. “Ken-chan always liked that he could feel you even when you two weren’t together. He said that it made him feel like he was never alone.”

“And then I left and ruined it all,” Daisuke murmured darkly. “Dammit, it’s not fair! If I could hear his heart beating, why couldn’t he hear mine? Why’d he have to end up feeling alone? I--I should’ve been with him. I should’ve made sure he was okay with me leaving and I shoulda guessed that something was wrong when he stopped writing me letters. Now Ken could be in big trouble and it’s all because of me.”

“But it’s not all your fault,” Wormmon objected. “There was no way you could’ve known what was wrong. Even I wasn’t sure until it was too late to do anything.” Wormmon looked suddenly miserable. “Ken-chan hid how much he was really hurting from everybody. I knew that he didn’t want you to go, but I didn’t think things were so bad. I thought he’d feel better after a while, once he realized that you’d be back in a year and that the rest of us were still there for him.”

“It still all comes down to me.” Daisuke leaned on the steering wheel and watched as it began to drizzle again. “Because I’m the one who left. I never thought anything like this would happen. I--I know Ken has a bunch of issues, he always has--hell, forget issues, he has a subscription. But I thought he’d gotten over it, at least as much as that’s possible. It’s been years since he was the Kaiser. The Digital World’s fine now, and part of that’s because of him. I was a little worried when we started college, because of the change in environment and all, and Ken being kind of a book nerd, but he seemed fine freshman year so I thought everything was okay. I was happy and so was Ken and it seemed like everything was finally gonna be all right. Then I leave for a year and it’s like everything that came before was wiped out and we’re back to square one. Except it’s different now, because when Ken was the Kaiser all we had to do was defeat him and we’d be okay, and this time it’s not so easy. It’s more important this time.”

“But you still saved him before,” Wormmon reminded him. “I’m sure you can do it again.”

“I’m glad _somebody_ is,” Daisuke muttered. “The thing is, I don’t know how to fix things this time. Last time it required action to stop him. You know, with V-mon and the Digimetals and stuff. I was good at that, right? Fighting and not giving up and getting Ken to realize what he did wrong. And even all that wasn’t enough last time. You had to die to save him. And--and we can’t do things that way this time. I’m not letting anyone die this time, especially Ken.” Daisuke’s grip tightened unconsciously on the steering wheel. His hands were shaking slightly from the frustration. “Damn it, why’d it have to be me who had to do this? I’m not good with words like everybody else. I’m the guy who rushes headlong into the fight and starts beating people up and stuff. I’m not smart like Ken, I can’t make up long, convincing speeches or anything. So how’m I gonna talk him out of this? Who do I convince him that--that he doesn’t have to be all lonely anymore? He’s not the reason I left, he’s got to know that! If anything, he’s the reason I came back. But how can I let him know that if he keeps pushing me away every time?”

“You just have to keep trying,” Wormmon said with certainty. “You know you’re the only one he’ll listen to, Daisuke. Ken-chan cares about the others too, but you’re the one he needs to talk to. You--you have to show him that you still care for him.”

“But I have!” Daisuke glanced briefly at Wormmon and nearly rammed into the car in front of him. He slammed on the brakes just in time, then looked over at Wormmon while the car was stopped. “What else can I do? I’ve told him that I can’t hate him and that I miss him, but nothing seems to work!” _I haven’t told him that I love him, though. But can I really say that? I’m still not even sure how I feel about Ken. I don’t know if he’s just a friend, or if I--or if I feel the same way about him that he feels about me. I can’t tell him I love him if it’s not the truth. That’s the worst thing I could do, because if it’s a lie and I let him believe it, things’ll be worse when he realizes that I was lying. I have to be honest with him now, or he’ll never trust me again, and then I’ll really lose him. But I don’t know if it even_ is _a lie. I just know that I think about him all the time and that I’m worried about what might happen to him--_

\--And I know that when he kissed me, I liked it. But is that love, or something else? No one’s ever kissed me like that before. Did I like it because it was that kind of kiss, or because it was Ken who gave it?

“My head hurts,” Daisuke whimpered, resting his head on the steering wheel. Someone honked behind him and he looked up, realizing that traffic had begun moving again and he was still at a stop. “You know, maybe I should think about all this _after_ we find Ken, ‘cause if I keep driving like this I’m probably gonna get into an accident, and then Takeru’ll kill me.” He sighed. “Wormmon, when did things get so complicated?”

“Haven’t they always been complicated?” Wormmon said with a bit of a smile. “Ken-chan’s a very complicated person.”

“I guess you’d know that better than me,” Daisuke said. “I wish he wasn’t. Then maybe I’d be able to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it. Right now I’m getting a headache just thinking about everything. I wish I’d never decided to go to stupid America in the first place. Then everything would be all right and we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

 _Or would we?_ Daisuke thought suddenly. _If I had never gone away then yeah, Ken and I would still be friends and I’d be happy. But would Ken be happy? It had to have taken all the courage he had to write me that letter, and he couldn’t even send it. How long has he been in love with me? Has he always felt that way and just never said it? And if I had stayed, would he ever have even written the letter? Maybe I never would’ve known. I would’ve moved on, maybe found a girlfriend or something, and Ken would’ve always been there, lurking by himself in the shadows, miserable and too shy and scared to ever say anything. Maybe I would’ve ended up here anyway. That’s why I have to figure out how I feel, and soon. Because I can’t let Ken sink into his loneliness every time I go away. I--I have to face this._ Daisuke swallowed heavily. _I have to take care of things now, before they get any worse. Ken’s been hiding things for too long, that’s what got us into this mess. Because he couldn’t let me know how he felt, and I didn’t know enough to notice there was a problem. And I can’t let that happen again._

I have to save Ken. And I have to make sure nothing like this ever happens to him again.

The thought overwhelmed Daisuke for a moment. _Never again? Can I even do that? I don’t even now if I can help him_ now, _let alone in the future!_

“Um...Daisuke, the road...” Wormmon’s voice snapped Daisuke back to reality just in time to almost miss his turn.

“Ack, sorry!” Daisuke ran a hand through his hair and sighed. With an effort he turned his thoughts from Ken and concentrated on the road.

 _I’m almost there, Ken...just wait for me a little longer. I’m coming to help you, and I’m not going to let you run away from me. Not this time._

\---

The inside of the motel wasn’t much better than the outside. The crude lobby consisted of two moth-eaten sickly green couches and a plaid chair that looked as if it had been snatched off a curb while waiting for the garbage truck. There was no carpet, though an old rug had been thrown rather haphazardly over the floor near the middle of the room. A single light bulb dangled mournfully from the ceiling. The Kaiser swatted at it as he and Ken walked across the floor to the front desk. A woman who looked to be in her late forties sat behind the decrepit desk, smoking a cigarette and watched something on a small TV. She didn’t even look up when Ken entered.

 _“What a dump,”_ the Kaiser sneered. _“I’ll bet it has rats, too.”_ He suddenly smirked and reached for the knife under Ken’s jacket. Ken sidestepped the attempt and kept walking. _“Come now, precious. You wouldn’t object to a little target practice, would you?”_

“Not now,” Ken said in a low voice. The Kaiser chuckled.

 _“Have I offended your delicate sensibilities, my dear?”_ He wrapped an arm around Ken’s shoulders. _“Don’t be so uptight. If we have to stay here, at least we can have some fun.”_ He cast his eyes around the nearly empty room. _“If we’re lucky, maybe someone else will want to try his luck with you. Wouldn’t that be fun? I wouldn’t kill anyone, of course, since it upsets you so much, but, well...you’d be surprised what a person can live through. Think of it as an experiment, of sorts.”_

Ken nearly told him to be quiet again, then gave up and made his way to the front desk. The woman there continued to ignore him.

“I’d like a room,” Ken told her, not caring that she apparently hadn’t noticed him.

“How nice for you,” she replied, not looking up.

 _“She’s ignoring us,”_ the Kaiser pouted. _“Don’t worry, my love. Just let me handle this and--“_

“No!” Ken snapped at him. The woman suddenly glanced up at him.

“All right, all right, geez.” She shook her head. “You don’t have to bite my head off.”

“I wasn’t talking to--never mind.” Ken sighed. “How much does a room cost?”

“How much you got?” the woman countered.

“Do you always answer a question with a question?” Ken said without missing a beat.

“You wanted to know how much a room costs.” The woman shrugged. “So, how much do you have?”

 _“Let’s go,”_ the Kaiser hissed, disgusted. _“I’m not letting you waste all our money at this rattrap of a motel.”_

“What will this get me?” Ken reached into his pocket and pulled out about half of what he had left. The woman at the desk looked at him with distaste.

“Bus fare,” she said.

 _“You are_ not _giving this wench the rest of our money,”_ the Kaiser said with finality. _“Let me take over. I’ll convince her.”_

“I can handle it,” Ken said to him. The woman at the desk cocked her head at him.

“What are you, some kinda schizo?” she asked, taking a puff on her cigarette.

“Something like that,” Ken murmured. He slid the money towards her. “This will get me a room for at least one night, yes?”

“No,” the woman said. “I told you, it’ll cost more than that.” She paused a moment to look him up and down, then smirked. “But, uh, maybe we can work out a deal, you and me.”

 _“I think not,”_ the Kaiser sneered at her. _“Don’t you dare agree, pet! Nobody touches you but me. You may have whored yourself to your dear Daisuke before, but I’ll be damned if I let anyone else have you now, right before my eyes. Let me teach her a lesson.”_

“No,” Ken said, both to the Kaiser and the woman. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little more money. “How about this?”

“Eh.” The woman shrugged. “That’ll get you a night. _Maybe,_ ” she added, her gaze sweeping him again.

“I know what you’re doing,” Ken said calmly. “I’ve given you more than enough for at least two or three nights worth of lodging. It wouldn’t be enough somewhere else, maybe, but this place looks like it’s being held together by scotch tape. How many nights will this get me?”

“I already told you.” The woman turned away from him. “And you know my conditions. Take it or leave it.”

 _“I’ll deal with her,”_ the Kaiser repeated, wrapped his around Ken’s neck and kissing him. _“Please, darling? Let me have some more fun.”_

“Y--you’ll have to deal with him next,” Ken said softly, his eyes low. The woman glanced back at him, arching an eyebrow.

“Him?”

“I’m sorry,” Ken half-whispered. “I’m sorry for whatever it is he’s going to do. I’d stop him but...but I’m just so tired right now. I’ll have to let him have his way. I’m sorry.”

“Uh...yeah. Whatever.” The woman shook her head and turned back to the TV, tuning him out.

 _“That’s a dear,”_ the Kaiser purred as Ken closed his eyes. _“You just take a little nap, my love. I’ll teach the nasty woman a lesson...”_

“Four nights,” Ken said firmly, and the woman glanced up again, looking exasperated. “I want four nights’ worth of lodging, and you’re going to give it to me for this price.” He nodded at the money on the table.

“Look, I told you--” The woman began, then cut off as Ken pulled back his coat a bit to reveal the knife at his belt. Idly he picked it up and tossed it in the air, catching the handle deftly.

“So, do we have a deal?” Ken ran a finger along the edge of the knife, drawing blood. He smiled and put the bleeding finger in his mouth, slowly tasting his own blood.

“Y-you think you can threaten me?” Despite her words, the woman’s voice was shaking slightly. “I can call the cops, you know--“

“You won’t.” Ken shrugged. “We both know you won’t. I heard the rumors on my way here. Drug dealers, robbers, people on the run...they like to stop by this motel, hide in the shadows. One police call and this whole place will be shut down. And I’m sure all the nice criminals will be quite pleased when they hear that you made the call that got them all arrested...” He tossed the knife up again and caught it easily. “What was it the waitress told you when she came back with the check, precious? I recall something about someone being shot...the man working the front desk, as I recall. Nasty business... the whole town knows except the police. I heard they tossed the body in the river so no one would know. After all, what would the local criminal element do without their favorite scummy motel? The ambience just isn’t the same in one of those fancy places.” He looked sideways at the woman. “Don’t you agree?”

“L-look, I don’t want any trouble--”

“I’m not being any trouble,” Ken said, still throwing and catching the knife. “I’m still paying, aren’t I? You’re the one who keeps being difficult. Just give us a room, and I’ll leave you alone. He won’t harm you, so you don’t need to worry about that. So, do we have a deal?”

“I--I could get fired for this!” the woman said angrily.

“My heart bleeds for you,” Ken said dryly. “Or it would, if I had one. Do we have a deal or shall I see if _you_ have a heart?” He smiled wickedly and did another throw-and-catch with the knife. This time when he caught the knife he held it out threateningly. “So, what do you say?”

“Fine, fine, whatever!” The woman threw up her arms in defeat and took the money on the table, then dug around for a room key. “I told you, I don’t want trouble.”

“We’re never any trouble,” Ken said, carefully putting the knife back on his belt, but leaving one hand down to pull it out again if needed. “You were the one being difficult.”

“Right.” Her back turned, the woman didn’t notice the sudden, marked change in Ken’s stature. He sighed and pulled his hand away from the knife.

“We won’t be staying more than a few days,” Ken said softly.

“We?” The woman turned and handed him a key. “There’s more than one of you?”

“You...might say that.” Ken put a hand to his head and took the key.

“I need your name,” the woman told him, opening a book. “Doesn’t have to be your real one. It usually isn’t.”

“Ich--” Ken cut off as the Kaiser elbowed him in the ribs.

 _“Not your real name, you fool!”_ he hissed. _“She told you that a fake name would work. Your name is too recognizable. Make something up.”_

“Motomiya Daisuke.” The name came to Ken automatically, and he winced the moment the words left his mouth. The Kaiser glared fiercely at him, and Ken shrunk under the gaze.

 _“As always, he’s the first thing in your mind,”_ the Kaiser growled. _“But not for long. I’ll drive him from your mind eventually, I swear. You can’t cling to him forever, pet.”_

Ken swallowed his reply and looked at the floor while the woman wrote the fake name down. She closed the book and nodded at the door.

“You’re in Room 303. Third floor, the door faces the outside.” She took another puff on her cigarette and just avoided blowing smoke in his face. “Right near the stairs, in case you need to make a quick getaway.”

“Doubtful,” Ken said as he turned to go back outside. The Kaiser walked beside him, whistling to himself.

“Third floor, she said,” Ken murmured as he and the Kaiser walked to the side of the motel where there was a line of doors. “This is 103, so I suppose that’s our room, up there.” He nodded upwards as he began to climb the steps. He paused briefly when he reached the third floor and looked down.

 _“What are you waiting for?”_ the Kaiser muttered.

“I was just looking,” Ken said in a subdued voice. “It’s--it’s a very long way down. If someone jumped from this height onto the pavement they’d probably die, don’t you think?”

Without waiting for an answer Ken walked over to his room door and opened it. The Kaiser stepped inside first and Ken followed, closing and locking the door behind them.

 _“Hmmph. Just what I expected.”_ The Kaiser cast a disapproving eye around the room. A shabby double bed sat in the middle of the room next to an old nightstand with a small lamp on it. An old TV sat on a wooden crate across from the bed, and there was a small dirty bathroom.

“It’ll have to do.” Ken sighed and dropped his duffel bag on the floor before   
falling onto the bed and burying his face in the pillow. “It’s all we can afford. And you didn’t have to threaten her.”

 _“What did you expect me to do? Negotiate?”_ The Kaiser shrugged and climbed onto the bed, kissing Ken on the cheek. Ken swatted at him.

“Not now,” he said. “Now I just want to sleep.”

 _“I’m not sleepy,”_ the Kaiser purred, roughly rolling Ken over so that he was on his back. The Kaiser gave him a sly look. _“Make me sleepy, precious.”_

“I don’t care,” Ken said, his eyes half-closed. He didn’t resist as the Kaiser leaned down to kiss him again, and he didn’t protest when the Kaiser started to pull Ken’s coat off.

 _“Poor thing,”_ the Kaiser said in a husky whisper. _“So you’ve given up, is that it? You look so cold and pale. Let me warm you up.”_

“If you want,” Ken said, his tone flat. The Kaiser slapped him.

 _“Don’t be so boring,”_ he murmured, nipping at Ken’s ear. _“I heard you, you know. You used_ his _name for your cover. You were thinking of him, weren’t you?”_

“It was a mistake,” Ken told him as the Kaiser started kissing his neck. “I--I didn’t mean to--”

 _“You need to be punished, darling,”_ the Kaiser said as he began to pull off Ken’s shirt. _“You need to forget that name right now. But I’ll take care of that. It’s_ my _name you’ll be screaming when I’m done.”_ He gave Ken a fake innocent smile. _“Scream for me?”_

“Just--just do whatever you want,” Ken said, staring blankly at the wall. “I’m too tired to care anymore. Just do whatever you want with me.” The Kaiser chuckled and leaned down to kiss him again.

 _“I’ve been waiting for you to say that all day.”_

\---

“Are you _sure_ this is the right place?” Daisuke murmured as he pulled into a parking space by the Hizukari Motel. “It doesn’t look very...um...It’s a dump.”

“That’s where the D-3 says he is.” Wormmon looked apprehensively up at Daisuke. “I don’t like this place, Daisuke. I don’t like that Ken-chan’s here.”

“Me neither,” Daisuke admitted. “But if he _is_ here then I’ve gotta find him.” He parked the car and started to get out. “You’d better stay here, Wormmon. Make sure nobody steals the car or anything. Don’t want Takeru to kill me because I lost his stupid car.”

“Are you sure I shouldn’t come with you?” Wormmon asked. “For protection?”

“I’ll be fine,” Daisuke said airily. “Um...at least I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine. Anyway, don’t worry about it. Just watch the car.”

Daisuke carefully entered the motel’s lobby, wondering suddenly if it might have been better to bring Wormmon along after all. The entire place made his skin shiver.

 _So...what do I do? Just walk over to the front desk and say I’m looking for Ken?_ He glanced towards the front desk, which was staffed by a woman with a cigarette. She glanced up at him, looking annoyed.

“Can I help you?” she asked dryly.

“Oh! Um...I guess, yeah.” Daisuke decided to try making something up. “I’m looking for a friend of mine. He was, uh, supposed to get us a room for a few nights.”

“Name?” The woman rested her chin in her hands. “Or a description? And proof that you’re not a cop.”

“Huh?” Daisuke stared cluelessly at her and she laughed.

“Yeah, that’s proof enough. So what’s your friend’s name?”

“Ichijouji,” Daisuke answered quickly.

“No one by that name here,” the woman said, shrugging.

“What? You’re sure?” Daisuke leaned forward. “But I’m sure he’s here! Um...maybe you saw him? He’s kinda tall, real thin, long black hair and purple eyes...um, he has this long black coat, too, and he might have a duffel bag or something with him...”

“You’re looking for _him?_ ” The woman shook her head. “I guess that’s the ‘we’ he was talkin’ about. But if you want my advice, kid, I’d go find another friend or business partner or whatever he is. That’s one seriously disturbed kid.”

“But you saw him, right?” Daisuke said eagerly.

“Yeah, yeah, he was here.” The woman waved a hand. “Gave me the name--ah, what was it? Wait, I remember--Motomiya Daisuke, I believe.”

“That’s him,” Daisuke said quickly. _He used my name! That’s a good sign, isn’t it? He’s thinking of me. But that might just be because....well, I won’t think of that right now. I’ve found him, that’s all that matters. At least I found him._ “C-could you give me his room number?”

“Room 303, right at the top of the stairs. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Um...thanks. I guess.” Daisuke hurried out of the lobby and stopped by the car.

“Did you find Ken-chan?” Wormmon asked nervously.

“Yeah, I found him,” Daisuke said, nodding.

“So what are you going to do?” the Digimon wondered.

“I guess I’m gonna go up to his room and talk to him,” Daisuke said. “And hope that I can think of something to say.”

“Do...do you want me to come with you?”

“You’d better not,” Daisuke said with a sigh. “I think this is something _I_ gotta do.”

“Good luck, then.”

“Thanks. I think I’m gonna need it.” Steeling himself, Daisuke walked over to the stairs and made his way to room 303.

When he reached Ken’s room, Daisuke paused. _Should I knock? I guess I have to, I can’t just barge in. He’s probably got the door locked anyway._ He raised his hand to knock, then hesitated again, putting his ear near the door. He could just hear the sound of someone inside, moaning softly. _Is he alone? What if he’s got someone in there, like...like...I don’t know. Maybe I should come back later?_ Daisuke shook his head. _No. I’ve gotta do this now._ Gathering up all his courage, Daisuke knocked twice on the door.

There was silence from inside, then the sound of a voice talking. Daisuke could only make out one voice, but he had the strange feeling that there was a conversation taking place inside. After a very long pause, the door swung open.

Ken stood in the doorway, smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but a bed sheet wrapped around his waist.


	13. Funeral in His Heart

"K--Ken, I--I--" Daisuke stammered, not sure how to react to the sight before him. His eyes darted to the side of Ken and peered into the room. He was surprised to see that it was empty.

Ken stood perfectly still in the doorway. He stared at Daisuke in wide-eyed surprise, obviously not expecting him to have shown up out of nowhere. He began to shake slightly, torn between slamming the door in Daisuke's face and running out past him.

"W-what are _you_ doing here?" Ken just managed an acid tone.

"I--I came looking for you," Daisuke said lamely.

 _"What are you doing?"_ the Kaiser growled, climbing off the bed and stalking over to Ken. _"Close the door and lock him out! You don't need to talk to him!"_

"I don't want to talk to you," Ken said, turning away but not shutting the door. He began to walk back towards the bed and Daisuke hesitantly followed, shutting the door behind him. "Go away."

"You know I'm not gonna do that," Daisuke said stubbornly.

"How'd you find me?" Ken asked, sitting down on the bed and crushing his cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. Daisuke noticed without meaning to that Ken's clothes were strewn about the room and there was a knife on the table by the bed.

"I....I used your D-3." Daisuke shifted nervously, not quite sure what to say or how to react to Ken's lack of dress.

"I didn't know that could be used to track me," Ken said flatly. He shook his head. "I should have thought of that. I'm such an idiot. If I had any sort of brains I would've thrown the damn thing away when I left."

"You shouldn't have left," Daisuke said firmly. "Ken...why won't you just let me help you?"

"I've told you before," Ken said, moving so that he was lying on his back, one arm resting across his forehead. "I don't _want_ your damn help. I'm fine on my own."

"Then why'd you run away again?" Daisuke demanded. Ken shrugged, not looking at him.

"I....I got sick of that place, that's all," Ken said. "I felt like I wanted to get away from everything. Especially after I walked out of my last therapy session; I thought that damn woman might try to drag me to a doctor or something stupid like that. And...." His voice trailed off for a moment.

"And?" Daisuke prompted.

"And I wanted to get away from you," Ken said coldly. "If it took running away to get you to leave me alone, then so be it!" He turned his head and glared darkly at Daisuke. "And then you followed me even here. Why can't you just leave me be?"

"I'm not gonna leave you alone until you let me help you," Daisuke replied. "Ken I--I know you feel really bad right now. I know you think that I left because of you, and you have to understand that that's just not true! I didn't leave because I was annoyed by you or anything. I'd never leave you like that. If--if you had just asked me to stay--"

"Then you never would've left, is that it?" Ken growled, sitting up again. "Don't lie to me, Daisuke. You would have gone whether I wanted you to or not. If you had ever really cared you wouldn't have gone in the first place. Or at least you wouldn't have abandoned me the way you did. You wrote me what, twice, in that first month? I kept writing to you like the fool I am, thinking you'd reciprocate. You never did. And when you called....you never asked about me, did you? You just babbled on about what a wonderful time you were having and what wonderful things you were doing...all away from me, without me. You were happy because I wasn't there, weren't you? You never wanted me there. And every night I wished that you'd come back and that you'd think of me again and that you'd realize how damn lonely life was for me without you....and you never did. Never noticed, never cared. I don't know why I ever thought you would. And then you come back for me _now,_ now when I'm too far gone to ever accept your help? _Now,_ when I'm so tainted I'm not fit to touch you? _Now,_ of all times, when I'm battered and broken and fallen in ruins, when I just want to be left to self-destruct in peace? _Now_ you come and offer your help? Well, it's too late for that. I don't want your damn stupid, pathetic, whining _help._ I want you to go away and leave me alone, and you won't even do that!" Ken had gotten to his feet by now, and he was trembling violently. "Go away, Daisuke. Just go away and forget about me." Ken's lip curled in a bitter sneer. "You've done it before. I'm sure it shouldn't be so hard to do again."

"K--Ken I--I didn't know--" Daisuke swallowed. "I'm sorry, okay? I--I didn't realize what my leaving would do to you. I thought that even if I left, you'd still be there when I came back."

"So did I," Ken spat bitterly. "You weren't the only fool. But you have no idea how long a year is, Daisuke. No idea. At the end of the year you think that time just flew by and you can't even remember all you've done. It's just an abstract length of time to you, a few memories here and there which mark its passing. You never think of how long it lasts, of how many days, how many hours, how many minutes. You never really live those minutes, you just remember them vaguely once they've passed. But it was different for me. I remember every hour, every minute that I sat alone in my room, waiting and wishing. I remember every tear I shed, every curse, every word of every letter. I remember every conversation, and I remember every yawning moment of silence and emptiness when I stared at the wall and realized that I was all alone again. Did you really think, after all those endless days had passed, that you could even hope to come back to the same Ichijouji Ken you left behind? It's ridiculous to think that. Time changes everything, my dear Daisuke. And a year alone is a length of time such as you can't even imagine."

"Then help me imagine it," Daisuke pleaded. "Ken, how could I know all this stuff was going on when you never _told_ me? If you had asked me, I would've come home for you. I would've--I would've done _something_ to make sure you weren't alone. You could've come with me, even. If you had just told me how you felt--"

"Don't lie to me, dammit!" Ken nearly slapped Daisuke, then stopped himself just in time. He stared fixedly at his palm, then laughed. "You see what's happening? Already he's seeping inside me, and this time I didn't even try to let him in." Ken glanced up at Daisuke again. "You left me alone, Daisuke. Don't try to act like you didn't know. You knew when you left that I would be waiting in the shadows behind you, watching you walk away from me. And now you think words will erase actions?" He shook his head. "No. Never."

"I'm _not_ lying!" Daisuke said desperately. "Ken.....I don't know what you want me to say. I've apologized all I can. I--I never meant to leave you. I really thought things would be okay. I don't know what's left that I can say to convince you that I really feel bad about leaving you, and that I care for you and want to help you. I don't care what you say, you can't be happy like this. I know you too well to believe that."

"You don't know anything," Ken said acidly.

"I know that you're really hurting right now," Daisuke said. "And I know that you want me to help you, you just can't admit it. Ken, I know things were hard for you when I was gone, but I didn't think that you needed me like that. The others--"

"The others?" Ken shook his head. "Who were they to me? I was never quite sure if they were really my friends, or if they were just yours, and only pretending to like me just to humor you."

"You're wrong," Daisuke argued. "They're your friends too, they've always been. They're just as worried about you as I am."

"No. They never cared, not any more than you did." Ken turned his back, walking back towards the bed. "They forgot about me too, left me behind even while I was standing there beside them. I used to eat with them at first, and every time it was like I was eating alone. They'd all talk to each other, trying to be cheerful, and all the talk would go over me, around me, never touching my skin. There was that party, too... Takeru dragged me there; I can't fathom why. I wanted to have fun, but how could I? A roomful of people surrounding me and I was completely alone, so how could I enjoy myself? The others didn't care. They say they care for me, but in the end they abandoned me just as surely as you did. So I left, and I was followed. And then I was cornered, alone, frightened and bleeding like an injured stag caught by a pack of wolves, and I called for you to help me. But you never heard it. You were gone, across the sea, busy freeing yourself from my pathetic dependencies. And then I heard the Kaiser's voice whispering in my ear again, that sweet siren call that I'd nearly forgotten. I was all alone, Daisuke, and in my loneliness I called for you....I called for you and only the Kaiser answered me. So I let him in. I embraced the only being who has ever offered me solace and comfort, even if it means a lifetime of pain and self-hatred. At least then I could pretend that someone cared, even if that someone was only in my head." Ken half-collapsed onto the bed, as if all the talking had worn him out. His skin was so pale it was almost white, and the pallor worried Daisuke almost as much as Ken's words had.

"Ken I--I'm sorry," Daisuke said hesitantly. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I couldn't hear you, that I wasn't there. But--but I'm here now. I can hear you. Let me help."

"It's too late, don't you get that?" Ken said irritably. "Only _he_ can help me now."

"He?" Daisuke wondered.

"The Kaiser." Ken smiled bitterly. "Don't you get it yet? He's here with me, inside me. He talks to me...and touches me....and for a while, everything is very quiet. For a while I can forget, when he's touching me. And he talks to me, tells me he loves me." Ken gave a hollow laugh. "You see how pathetic I am? The only creature who loves me resides only in my mind. I'm disgusting. I don't know how he puts up with me." Ken wrapped his arms around himself protectively. "You couldn't. Put up with me, I mean. No one can, except for the Kaiser. Everyone would be better off if I just ran away and never came back. I'm a wretched, disgusting, whining creature; no wonder the Kaiser is the only one who cares for me. I'm stained, ruined. I'm not worth being around."

"Ken, that's not true!" Daisuke said desperately. "I care for you. I really do. And--and I think you're wrong. You're not disgusting or pathetic or anything like that! You're--you're hurt inside or something, and you need help. If you'd just listen--"

"Listen to what? Your excuses?" Ken shook his head. "I don't want to listen to you anymore. I'm caught between hating you for abandoning me and agreeing with you for it. But I know one thing, and I know you hate me. There's no other explanation. Why shouldn't you hate me? I'm an awful person."

"You're not!" Daisuke chewed anxiously on his lower lip. "Don't you get it? Do you really think I'd come all the way here if I hated you? You're my best friend, Ken. Even now, you're my best friend. I care about you and I--I don't want to lose you. I just want you to be happy again."

"N--no," Ken said hesitantly. The Kaiser sat behind him, rubbing Ken's shoulders and whispering in his ear. "You're lying. You've always been lying. You talk and talk and say that you care, that you want to help me, but it's all just a lie. You--you want me to come with you so you can take me to some damn mental institution and be rid of me once and for all. You don't care. No one cares. If you really cared, you never would have left. If you really cared, you never would've abandoned me! You don't care about me at all. Only the Kaiser cares for me. No one else."

"That isn't true and you know it," Daisuke said. "You have to know it. I know I left you alone last time Ken and I'm sorry, but--but I came back for you this time.

"I won't abandon you again, I promise. Just come with me and I'll--"

"You'll what?" Ken's lip curled in a sneer. "How _do_ you plan to help me, Daisuke? You've barely got the brains to form a coherent thought. How stupid are you, that you think you can help me all alone? You'll just take me back to that damn woman and any other shrink that wants to poke around inside my head. I left because I'm sick of that. Now I just want to be left alone to destroy myself. It isn't too much to ask, really. I'll even sweep my own ashes under the rug when I'm done, and no will ever know, or care. So just leave me alone. I'm not going to let you try and help me, so just give it up and let me burn myself out while I can still pretend to care."

"Ken...." Daisuke shook his head. "I told you already, Ken. I care about you, and I'm not leaving here without you. I--" Daisuke stopped, then swallowed hard, gathered his courage, and continued. "I know how you feel about me, Ken."

"You do?" Ken's bark of laughter was as harsh as the cry of a carrion crow in winter. "Liar. Idiot. You don't know _the first thing_ about how I feel. If you did, then we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I _do_ know," Daisuke objected. "Ken, I--I found your letter. The one you never sent. I read it and..." Daisuke took a deep breath. "I read it and I know how you feel. I know that you--that you're in love with me."

There was a very long moment of silence. Ken sat perched on the bed, perfectly still, skin so white he looked like an alabaster statue. His mouth opened as if he were about to speak, but nothing came out. Daisuke saw Ken's white fingers clench and unclench sporadically around the bed sheet at his waist. When he finally found his voice it was thin and hoarse, a shadow of what it had been only moments ago.

"So. You read it." Ken's eyes burned. "You weren't supposed to read it. It wasn't meant for you."

"It was addressed to me," Daisuke reminded him gently.

"You weren't supposed to _read_ it!" Ken snapped. "You weren't meant to know any of what was in that letter. You had no right to read it!"

"No right?" Daisuke gaped. "Ken, you _disappeared!_ You didn't leave us any clue to where you'd gone. You left behind almost all your stuff, even your D-3! What were we supposed to think, when one of the things left in your room was a letter addressed to me? We-- _I_ thought that maybe you left a note saying where you'd gone or why you left. That maybe--"

"Why would I do that?" Ken interrupted angrily. "How stupid are you, Daisuke? Say where I went or why I left? That's ridiculous! I left my D-3 because I didn't want to be followed, so why would I leave you a note to tell you where I'd gone? And as for why I left...you know why I left." Ken couldn't meet Daisuke's eyes. "You know what I almost did to you in that alley. I couldn't stay, not after that. There was no reason for me to leave a note."

"That doesn't mean that I couldn't hope!" Daisuke shot back. "Don't you understand how worried I was when the others told me you were gone, and when I couldn't get you on the phone? I--I was afraid that you might be dead or--"

"So what?" Ken cut him off. "That just shows what a fool you are. I'm not worth worrying about. You'd rejoice if I was dead."

"I wouldn't!" Daisuke looked profoundly shocked. "Can't you see that? I came after you because I care about you! Don't you get it, Ken? I know how you feel about me and it doesn't matter to me. I care about you even--"

"Even if I'm in love with you? Is that it?" Ken half-growled. "Liar. I'm a freak and you know it. You can't handle me being in love with you. If you truly understood how I feel then you'd hate me!"

"I wouldn't! I don't!" Daisuke argued. "I can't hate you, Ken, I told you that! If everything you've done hasn't made me hate you, then why would this? How could I hate you just for loving me?"

"You don't get it!" Ken said darkly. "You don't understand at all! You're still so stupid. You think it's so easy, just saying that you don't care how I feel? That it doesn't change how you feel about me? You're wrong. It always changes everything. Look at me. I'd be _happy_ if I hadn't loved you. That's why it cut so deep when you left. Because I loved you, and you couldn't even handle me just being your friend without having to get away from me. If you couldn't stand me just being your friend, how could you ever stand me if you knew I loved you?"

"I told you, I didn't leave because of you! I left because--because--because I just felt like traveling! I never wanted to get away from you!" Daisuke told him. "I understand how you feel Ken, I really do. I read your letter--"

"I never should've written it," Ken spat. "I should've _burned_ it. Hell, I should've listened to the Kaiser and burned the whole damn place down, and burned myself to ashes along with it."

"Ken--" Daisuke was cut off before he could even start to argue as Ken stood again.

"You think you really understand how I feel? How could you? You don't even think about the emotion behind your words. I _love_ you. Do you know what that means? It means something dirty and foul, that's what it means. Like that kiss. That kiss was wrong and you know it. You think you can handle that? Let's see." Ken reached down and in one swift, practiced motion, tore off the bed sheet that had been his only concession to modesty. As Daisuke stood still and gaped, Ken walked over to him and kissed him hard on the mouth, pressing his naked body up against Daisuke's chest. When Ken finally released his lips, Daisuke suddenly found himself barely able to form a coherent thought.

"K-Ken--" Daisuke's voice was nothing more than a thin croak, and he looked away, blushing. Ken ran a hand along the side of his face down to his chin, turning the other boy's head and forcing Daisuke to look at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a low, derisive tone. "Can't bear to look at me? Of course you can't. I'm a disgusting, contemptible thing, naturally you can't bear to have me touching you."

"T-t-that's not it," Daisuke stammered, still very aware of Ken's body draped against his. "It's just--"

"If you're not disgusted, then why do you keep trying not to look at me?" Ken questioned darkly. He stepped back and turned around in a very slow circle, showing himself off. "Is it modesty? Are you embarrassed? Or are you just revolted by the sight of me, by the feel of my lips on yours? Of course you are. You'd have to be."

"But I'm not," Daisuke choked out. "That's not it at all, Ken! Why do you keep thinking that? I'm not at all--"

"Lies all," Ken said, waving a hand as if sweeping Daisuke's words away even as they came out of his mouth. "If you weren't offended by the very sight of me, you'd stop trying to look away. Not that I blame you for it. I'm always better off when I shut my eyes and pretend I don't exist."

"I'm not lying," Daisuke argued. "I--I just looked away at first because I was surprised, that's all. You can't let yourself keep feeling this way, Ken. If you'd just listen to what I'm saying--"

"It's all words," Ken spat, walking back towards Daisuke. "Words are flimsy things. You can twist them so they mean whatever you want them too. You say you don't feel sickened by me? Let's see, then."

Ken reached over and grabbed Daisuke's wrist in an unshakeable grip, and Daisuke tensed, the memory of the knife at his throat still fresh in his mind. He immediately regretted his reaction when Ken's face twisted into a scowl. The other boy didn't speak, however, he simply placed Daisuke's hand on his chest and moved forward, once more draping himself against Daisuke. Daisuke shuddered.

"There, you see?" Ken's voice was hollow. "You're disgusted by the feel of my flesh under your fingers."

"That's not why I shuddered," Daisuke said in a low voice. He glanced up and looked Ken straight in the eyes. "I can feel your ribs, Ken. I shuddered because you're so thin I can feel your ribs under my fingers, and it's making me worry even more. Don't you get it, I'm not revolted or sickened or anything. I'm worried as hell, and I'm not leaving until you get that through your head and let me help you!"

Ken stared at him out of hollow eyes for a long moment before laughing bitterly.

"Still lying?" He shook his head. "You're trying to trick me, that's all. You think if you keep speaking those empty words, I'll believe and come with you, and then you'll betray me. It won't work. I won't let it work. You don't care about me, you never did. Even the _Kaiser_ is revolted by me, and he loves me." Ken detached himself from Daisuke and strode back towards the center of the room. "Get out of here."

"I'm not leaving," Daisuke said stubbornly, remaining where he was. Ken half-glanced back at him, then shrugged.

"Suit yourself." He leaned over the bed and grabbed the knife off the bedside table. He held it out towards Daisuke, but he didn't move from his spot on the bed, and his hand was shaking. "Now, leave or I'll make you leave. This conversation is over."

"Ken--"

"Stop saying that!" Ken yelled angrily. "Stop saying my name like you care. You don't care. Nobody cares."

" _I_ care," Daisuke said firmly. "And that's why I can't leave you like this."

"Just go away," Ken said flatly, as if he hadn't even heard Daisuke speak. "Go away before I do something we'll both regret."

"I'm not leaving," Daisuke said, still unmoving. "I left you alone once, Ken. I'm not gonna do it again, not now. I'm staying here until you stop acting like this and finally get it through your head that I care for you and want to help you."

"Just go, dammit!" Ken growled, but there was a slight pleading note to his voice. The Kaiser hovered unseen behind him, hands running along Ken's chest and legs. "If you don't go I might actually kill you this time. So go, and live, and forget you ever knew me. You'll be better for it."

"I told you, I'm not--"

"Shut up!" Ken snapped, his voice cracking slightly as he stood up on trembling legs. He took a step towards Daisuke, shaking so violently that it seemed as if he were about to collapse. "Stop talking and leave. I don't want you here, can't you see that? You shouldn't be here." Ken smiled bitterly. "This is my own personal hell, Daisuke. You, of all people, don't belong here."

Daisuke hesitated, staring for one very long moment at Ken's pale, trembling body and hollow eyes. Finally, he nodded.

"All right, Ken. All right. I'll leave." He moved towards the door, then turned back to look at Ken. "But I'm not giving up Ken. I said I wouldn't go without you this time, and I mean it. I'm not leaving this hotel unless you're with me, and if you leave, I'll follow you. I'm not gonna give up on you, no matter what you say or how much you try to threaten me. I'm going to help you, whether you want me to or not."

With that, Daisuke turned and left, closing the door behind him. Ken didn't move from the middle of the room, staring at the closed door with a strange, detached air.

 _"That's better,"_ the Kaiser purred, kissing Ken softly on the lips. _"The nasty boy interrupted us before I was finished having fun. You should've closed the door on him when I told you to, darling."_

"I should've..." Ken repeated softly, switching his gaze to the knife in his hand.

 _"I'll have to punish you very severely for that,"_ the Kaiser added happily, biting at Ken's neck. _"Don't worry, my love. You'll like this punishment, the way you always do. You've always been a slave to a soft caress and a well-placed kiss."_

"Yes..." Ken didn't respond, still looking at the knife. "You would've killed him?"

 _"Maybe I would've,"_ the Kaiser said airily. _"If it seemed like fun. But don't you worry about it. I'll make sure you don't have to worry about anything at all."_

"I don't want you to touch me again," Ken said in a quiet, defeated voice.

"But you'll let me anyway."

"Yes." Ken nodded, closing his eyes. "I will. I always do. But I don't want you to."

 _"What do I care what you want?"_ the Kaiser murmured. _"I'm giving you what you_ need. _A soft touch that let's you pretend just a little longer that there's something left in you to care about."_

"I could slice my wrists open now if I wanted to," Ken said. "It would be bloody and painful, but I could do it. I know the correct way to cut. If I wanted to."

 _"Not this again,"_ the Kaiser muttered irritably. _"Why die, love? Why bother? There's so much in this world we haven't tried, so much we haven't tasted. We can take whatever we want, and no one can stop us. You know I'll protect you no matter what happens, even if it means cutting a bloody swath through everything in sight. So why bother dying now? Wait a while and I'll overshadow you again, and then you can rest in peace while I enjoy the fruits this life has to offer."_

"Make me hurt," Ken said in a soft, dead voice.

"What was that, darling? Speak up."

"Make me hurt," Ken repeated. "I want it to hurt." He slowly ran the knife across his palm, drawing blood. Raising his injured hand, he stared fixedly at the blood dripping down. "Just make me feel."

The Kaiser laughed and leaned forward, licking the blood off Ken's wrist.

 _"As you wish, my dear. As you wish."_


	14. Eyes of Mercy

"Daisuke! What's wrong, what happened?" Wormmon was waiting when Daisuke returned to the van, looking highly upset and rather miserable. "Did you see Ken-chan? Is he okay?"

"Yeah, I saw him." Daisuke sighed. "But he's definitely _not_ okay. He's....I don't really know what he is. Different. He's not like the Ken I left behind. He even said so." Daisuke lowered his head into his hands. "He thinks I hate him. But--but I'm afraid that _he's_ the one who hates _me._ He said he didn't want me there. He--he even threatened to hurt me if I didn't leave. I don't think he would actually do anything, but--but he just looked so _upset_ when I was there. I don't even know if I'm really helping or just making things worse."

"I don't think things could get much worse," Wormmon pointed out.

"You weren't there. The stuff Ken said...he said he's been seeing visions of the Kaiser, that the Kaiser's talking to him." Daisuke glanced over at Wormmon, who had an odd look on his face. "Do you know anything about that?"

"Ken-chan's mentioned it before," Wormmon said slowly. "He never talked about actually seeing the Kaiser, but he used to say that sometimes he could hear the Kaiser's voice in his head, especially at night. It used to scare him."

"It's not scaring him anymore," Daisuke said miserably. "Or at least he won't admit it if it is." He fell back in his seat. "Man, how am I gonna help him if I can't even figure out how he's feeling? He keeps saying that he was lonely when I was gone, that he missed me, but it's like all that was in the past. But I'm sure that something in him really wants me to help him. I've told him hundreds of times that I care about him, that I want to help him, that I can't hate him no matter what and that I didn't leave because of him, but he just won't believe me. He keeps saying that I'm lying, that nobody cares for him. But I know that _I_ care for him, and you care, and Takeru and the others care. So how do I get him to believe me? I--I don't think that I can help him alone. That therapist lady was right, he's sick--like sick in his head or something. I wanna get him help and make everything better, so he'll stop seeing the Kaiser and stop thinking all those bad things about himself, but I can't help him if he doesn't want me to. It's not like I can just tie him up and drag him to a hospital or anything either. I have to convince him that I care about him, make him see that I'm worried about him. But I don't think there's much else I can do."

"There has to be something," Wormmon said desperately. "We're--we're not going to leave Ken-chan here, are we? I don't want to leave Ken-chan in such an awful place, all alone."

"Like hell we're going to leave him!" Daisuke said violently. "We're staying here until he finally listens to me. There's no way I'm going to abandon him again. Maybe if I just keep trying he'll see that I'm not lying. I don't get why he doesn't believe me when I tell him I didn't leave because of him. If I had I wouldn't be here now. So there's no way I'm leaving, not without Ken! If we have to, you and I'll set up camp outside his door and tackle him every time he leaves until he finally gives up and sees reason."

"He won't like that," Wormmon pointed out. "You said he wasn't happy to see you."

"That's putting it lightly." Daisuke sighed again. "I've never seen him like this. It's not like when he was the Kaiser, but he's not my Ken either. When he was the Kaiser he always seemed so....smooth. So in control. I mean, yeah, evil and heartless and all, but he always seemed like he knew what he was doing. When we fought him, I thought he was just being evil because he enjoyed it. It always seemed that way. And then after... he was depressed, yeah, who wouldn't be after all the shit he's been through? But he wasn't this bad. We were able to help him last time. He didn't want us to help, but he let us. This time he won't even let me get close to him. Sometimes he'll seem like the Kaiser again, but just a little. He almost slapped me before, and then I felt kinda like he was the Kaiser. But the rest of the time, I knew he was Ken. The old depressed Ken, but magnified like a zillion times. I'm not sure if I can save him this time."

"But you still have to keep trying," Wormmon said.

"I know. I didn't say I was gonna stop." Daisuke closed his eyes wearily. _And it really hurts, too. How could he ever think that I hated him? How could he think I was lying? He's my best friend, I'd do anything for him! There's no way I would lie about something so important. But I don't know what else to say, what else to do. He really needs a doctor, and I'm not one. But I'm the only person who can convince him to let himself be helped, so I have to think up something else. Something else I can say, something that will convince him. Something, anything, that'll help Ken stop hating himself and show him that there are so many people who care for him._

Anything that can show Ken that he's never gonna be alone, not ever again.

"Daisuke? Are you okay?" Wormmon's voice was gentle.

"Yeah," Daisuke replied. "Well, no, not really. I'm not gonna be okay until Ken is. I'm just really tired right now."

"You can take a nap if you want," Wormmon said. "I'll keep watch on Ken-chan's room. If he leaves I'll wake you up."

"And then we can follow him and he can yell at me some more," Daisuke said darkly.

"If--if you don't want me to--"

"No, no, I do." Daisuke put a hand to his head. "Sorry. I'm just really worried about what I'm gonna do next, and especially about what _Ken's_ gonna do next. I just feel like if anything happens to him it'll be all my fault for leaving. Not just when I went to America, but even for just leaving that stupid room. I wasn't going to, I really wasn't. I was just gonna stand there until he listened and came with me. And then I left anyway and....I don't know. I just don't want to leave him alone again. I want to have him here with me, where I can talk to him and tell him that everything's gonna be fine and that I'll fix it all. I guess it's a dumb thought, but.....but I feel so damn useless, lyin' here while he could be doing who knows what up there."

"I'll tell you the second he exits the room," Wormmon promised. "We won't let him get away this time."

"Thanks." Daisuke leaned back as if to sleep, but his eyes were still open. He lay awake for a very long time, waiting for Ken's door to open.  


~~~

Ken lay with his back pressed against the bed, the sheets twisted up about him, his hands curved into claws as he clutched spasmodically at the bed beneath him. The Kaiser ran his tongue along Ken's chest, his body pressed up close against the other boy's.

The sheets were stained red with blood and soaked with sweat; they smelled foul but Ken didn't care. Long scratches ran down his chest and arms, and he was finding it hard to breathe.

 _"Isn't this what you asked for?"_ the Kaiser asked idly, biting Ken's ear. He ran the fingers of one hand gently down the length of Ken's cock even as the other hand roughly raked Ken's arms; new scratches appeared where the sharp nails touched him. _"Pain. To hurt."_

"Harder," Ken whispered, his voice hoarse from screaming. "I want it to hurt more. Please."

 _"Whatever you ask, darling."_ The previously gentle hand squeezed lightly at Ken's cock and he gasped, muscles tensing. The Kaiser kissed him again, biting Ken's lower lip as he did. _"Was that good? Or shall I do more?"_

"Whatever you want," Ken choked out. "I don't care, I don't care, just make it hurt and--" Ken gulped down the lump rising in his throat. "Just do what you want and make it hurt. Make me forget everything. Make me forget him."

 _"You will forget,"_ the Kaiser whispered huskily, burying his face in Ken's collar, licking and biting. _"The rougher the better, my dear. I promise I won't let up. Then you'll forget him. You won't even be able to pretend that it's his hands on you, his lips, his tongue. It's only me, always me, doing what I please. What I do best."_

"I--I know," Ken gasped out. "That's why I want it to hurt, don't you see?" His voice dropped off for a moment as the Kaiser's hand began stroking his length again. "He wouldn't make it hurt. If--if it hurts then I know I'm not thinking of him, just you. Then I can forget him. The blood's better than--better than--"

 _"Better than wishing it was your darling Daisuke on top of you now?"_ The Kaiser laughed. _"You're a disgusting creature, my love. A perfect little whore chained to his own fantasies. Utterly contemptible."_

"I know," Ken repeated. "I know, I know, I know. That's why you have to make it stop. You _have_ to. You're the only one who knows how to."

 _"I always have,"_ the Kaiser said. _"Don't fret, darling, you ruin my fun. Just lie back and enjoy the touch. Enjoy your own rotting little fantasy world, your dear phantom lover. Without me you'd be dead by now. So relax and let me pleasure us both at the same time."_

Ken didn't reply. He simply dropped his head against the pillow and laid his arms flat, letting the Kaiser do as he wished. A quiet moan escaped his lips as the Kaiser bit hard on one erect nipple and scratched him hard along his inner thigh. The Kaiser smiled and kissed Ken gently on the lips.

"Good boy. Now, roll over."

Ken hesitated briefly and the Kaiser, suddenly angry, slapped him hard across the face.

"I said, roll over. Oh, and be a dear and dig my whip out of that duffel bag, will you? I know you brought it."

Ken paused again, then did as commanded. One hand reached for the duffel bag lying beside the bed and he carefully unzipped it and dug around inside while the Kaiser leaned over him and kissed him between the shoulder blades.

Ken's hand dug around through the duffel bag for the whip. Suddenly, his hand clasped around the crest of kindness. He glanced down at the small item.

 _What an utter lie. I don't deserve this stupid thing. Look at me here, letting my own dark side tear me apart inside and out._ Ken grimaced and half-threw the crest back in the duffel. _It's all just one big joke, isn't it? My whole life is just one cosmic joke. There's no other explanation for my existence. All that I've ever done is cause pain to everyone around me, and that's why they all left me. That's why I'm all alone now, except for the Kaiser. Why give the crest of kindness to me if not as some sick joke, a cruel laugh at my expense? It's not as if it's something I deserve. All my so-called kindness was just weakness in disguise._

Ken's hands clenched around the base of the Kaiser's whip, it felt familiar and cool against his flushed skin. Behind him, the Kaiser's soft kisses stopped as the apparition positioned himself above Ken.

 _"The whip, precious?"_ Ken heard the Kaiser's voice ring in his ears, but suddenly it was as if he couldn't see his constant companion anymore. Ken felt as though he could hear the Kaiser, feel him, but now only as a nebulous presence behind him, waiting and watching, but blurred and indistinct. He felt very dizzy all of a sudden, and his head was pounding.

The whip flashed across Ken's shoulders at the moment the Kaiser thrust into him. Ken arched his back, fingers twisting in the sheets, suddenly unaware of whether it was the Kaiser or himself who held the whip.

The Kaiser thrust inside him again and again the whip flashed out and pain shot along Ken's back. A whimper tore itself from his lips, and he bit down hard on his lower lip to keep from screaming.

 _How can it hurt so much?_ Ken wondered feverishly. _He's not here. He doesn't exist. There's no one moving inside me now, there's nothing but me..._ He felt the Kaiser move inside him again. A moan escaped his lips and he could feel his own cock grow more erect. Again the whip struck him. Ken felt a thin trickle of blood drip down his back. _Still nothing but me. My hand on the whip, my mind in the gutter, my own stupid brain and desires making up something that can't be true. Am I even alive anymore? Maybe I'm bleeding more than I know. Maybe I'll go into shock and be found like this, dead, my naked body twisted up in the sheets, destroyed so totally that no one will even recognize it. No one will ever know I've died. Unless I'm already dead, and this is hell, and I'm just too stupid to realize it._

Behind him, he heard the Kaiser whisper something as his phantom lover continued to thrust in and out of Ken's body. The whip flashed out at intervals, striking Ken hard and waking him up just when he felt certain that he was about to lose consciousness. The mixed sensations of pain and pleasure blurred inside him and mixed, becoming one, and when Ken came he wasn't even aware if the sensations he felt around him were from the Kaiser climaxing inside him or the whip striking his back.

Completely spent, Ken fell forward limply onto the bed, not caring that the sheets were still stained with his own blood and cum. The Kaiser still moved inside him, unconcerned over the fact that Ken's strength had waned.

 _He's not real,_ Ken thought dizzily. _Of course he can continue. He'll always be inside me, tainting me, making me the wretched thing I am. I'm a disgusting creature with him inside, and worse without him._

Ken buried his face in the pillow, half-smothering himself in an attempt to slow his quickened breathing. He remained face down until spots began to dance before his eyes from lack of oxygen, and then turned his head aside just in time. His entire body trembled with weakness and something just beyond it, something hovering just out of reach on the fringes of Ken's mind.

Ken thought he must have passed out sometime after that, because when his thoughts finally became something resembling lucid he was lying wrapped in the Kaiser's arms. The Kaiser leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips.

 _"Feeling better, my love?"_ There was a touch of sarcasm in the words. _"You were so unresponsive before, I thought perhaps you weren't enjoying yourself."_ He grinned wickedly. _"I know I was."_

"Did I...." Ken trailed off, putting a hand to his head and wincing at the soreness in his scarred arms.

 _"Aw, poor baby,"_ the Kaiser said with a distinct lack of sympathy. _"Was I a little too rough? Never mind, it doesn't matter if I was. I was only letting you have what you asked for."_

"I know that," Ken muttered irritably. He was suddenly very aware of the grimy sheets and his own blood-streaked body. "I should wash."

 _"Not now,"_ the Kaiser said, pulling Ken close. _"Don't you want to cuddle a while? I'm sure I could make you feel....much better."_ His smile left no doubt to what he meant.

"I need to wash. I feel disgusting." Ken sat up abruptly and immediately wished he hadn't. His entire body was extremely sore and it hurt to move. His vision blurred slightly and he barely managed to keep himself from collapsing back into the Kaiser's arms. For his part, the Kaiser simply watched Ken and smiled wolfishly.

 _"Feeling foul, my dear? Or has it just finally occurred to you exactly what you are?"_ The Kaiser ran his tongue over his lips once and then laughed.

"Stop laughing," Ken mumbled dizzily. "It makes my head hurt when you laugh like that." This, of course, only made the Kaiser laugh harder. Ken winced and clutched painfully at his head.

 _"Poor pet,"_ the Kaiser said. _"Why not lie back down? I'm here waiting for you."_

"No," Ken said immediately. He suddenly felt very dirty. "I--I need to get cleaned up. I don't like the way this feels." He stood carefully, leaning heavily on the headboard. The Kaiser watched dispassionately from the bed as Ken stumbled towards the bathroom.

 _"I'll be waiting for you here, love,"_ the Kaiser told him, stretching out. _"Try not to trip and crack your head open, will you? It would be inconvenient for the both of us."_

"Your concern is touching," Ken muttered blearily as he staggered into the bathroom, half-collapsing against the sink. He lowered his head and closed his eyes, waiting for his breathing to return to normal. Minutes passed, and finally Ken looked up.

His own face stared back at him from the cracked mirror. There were large dark circles under his eyes, and his skin was absolutely white. His bangs fell limply over his forehead, nearly covering one eye, and his hair was tousled. The red marks on his body stood out starkly against his pale skin.

 _"You look like shit, my darling,"_ the Kaiser laughed from the bedroom.

"I know," Ken murmured. He stared fixedly at his reflection for a moment, taking in the sight of his face. _I look revolting. Of course I do. I'm sick. What other explanation is there? Why else would I let the Kaiser do what he does to me, and ask for more when he's done? He doesn't even exist, but I'm still his slave somehow._ Ken suddenly turned away from the mirror, unable to stand the sight of his own haunted eyes. With trembling hands he turned on the sink and splashed his face with cold water, trying to wake himself up a bit more.

There was the sound of movement from the bedroom. Moments later, Ken felt the Kaiser wrap a hand around his waist, kissing his ear.

"I thought you were staying in there," Ken said dully.

 _"I was,"_ the Kaiser said simply. _"And now I'm not."_

"I told you, I need to wash." Ken half-heartedly tried to push the Kaiser away and nearly ended up collapsing. The Kaiser caught him easily and kissed him again.

 _"I thought we'd wash together,"_ the Kaiser purred. _"Doesn't that sound fun?"_

Ken didn't reply. With a heavy, resigned sigh, he stepped out of the Kaiser's embrace and turned on the shower. He stood staring at the water, not moving. The Kaiser leaned against the wall and smiled.

"Well? I thought you needed to wash."

"Give me a minute," Ken said, still staring at the water. After a long moment he sighed and turned back to the Kaiser. "I'm disgusting, aren't I? Absolutely disgusting."

The Kaiser's only reply was a nod accompanied by a predatory smile.  


~~~

"Daisuke, wake up! Wake up!" Daisuke awoke to the sound of Wormmon's voice. The little Digimon was trying to shake him awake.

"Mwuh?" Daisuke mumbled sleepily as he forced his eyes open. He sat up carefully and groaned at the soreness in his back and neck from being forced to sleep sitting up. "Wha's goin' on? 'Mergency or somethin'?"

"Ken-chan's left his room," Wormmon said urgently.

"Huh?" Daisuke shook his head to dispel some of the sleepiness and leaned out the window. "Where is he? Did he leave?"

"He's over on the steps right now," Wormmon said, climbing around Daisuke so that he could get a better view of the window. He pointed. "See? I saw him start walking down and I thought he was leaving, but he stopped."

"Okay, I see him now," Daisuke said as he caught sight of Ken standing near the top of the stairs, trying to light a cigarette. Ken glanced toward the van, and Daisuke and Wormmon managed to duck back inside just in time.

"What's wrong?" Wormmon asked as Daisuke crouched low in the seat.

"I think he saw us," Daisuke murmured, trying to roll up the window slowly so that Ken wouldn't notice what he was doing.

"You don't want him to?"

"If he knows I'm here he might run off before I can follow him," Daisuke said.

"But won't he recognize the van?"

"Damn!" Daisuke slapped his forehead. "I didn't think about that. Maybe he won't remember what it looks like."

A moment later there was the sound of a rock hitting the window shield. Daisuke glanced up and saw Ken standing in front of the van, glaring inside. There was a noticeable crack in the window where the rock had hit.

"Takeru's not gonna like that," Daisuke muttered under his breath as Ken started walking away.

"Are you going to follow Ken-chan?" Wormmon questioned. "Or I can follow him? Maybe he won't notice me."

"Nah, I'd better do it. You wait here and keep an eye on things. He might try to lose me and run off when I'm not looking or something." Keeping his head down, Daisuke carefully slid out of the car. Ken was already nothing more than a blurry figure in the distance. Making sure to keep a reasonable distance behind him, Daisuke followed.

Ken wandered aimlessly along the street, apparently not even aware where he was going. Daisuke kept a discreet distance behind him, ducking out of sight whenever he could, though he had the disturbing feeling that Ken knew exactly where he was, though the other boy never once turned to look behind himself. Ken turned a corner and Daisuke momentarily lost sight of him. He rushed forward, not wanting to lose Ken completely, then skidded to a stop the moment he turned the corner. Ken was leaning heavily on the wall of the building beside them, his back turned and one hand pressed up against his head. He had begun to shake again.

"Ken!" Forgetting all pretense of secrecy, Daisuke moved forward and knelt beside Ken, who had fallen weakly to his knees.

"G-go away." Ken turned his head away from Daisuke, letting his hair shield his face. He tried to push Daisuke away, but there was no strength behind his movements. "I don't need your help. I-I'll be all right in a minute."

"Yeah, sure you will," Daisuke muttered. "Ken, you look awful. Come on, let me help you up." He touched Ken's arm, and felt Ken's muscles tighten beneath his fingers a moment before Ken slapped his hand away.

"I don't need your help," Ken said. "Not to stand, not to live, not to anything. I can get up myself. It's just a little dizziness, because I didn't eat yesterday. I don't need you."

"You're still shaking," Daisuke said, the concern evident in his voice. "Just let me help this one time, okay? There's a cafe over there, where you can get something to eat. I'll take you there and then I'll leave you alone, okay?"

"Don't lie," Ken spat. "You always lie, always. Everyone lies to me, except the Kaiser. He's the only one who cares enough to tell me the truth." He gave Daisuke an icy glare. "Leave me alone? That's a laugh. I know you were following me, and I know you've been watching my room. I still recognize Takeru's van." Ken laughed bitterly. "Was the worm with you, too? I thought I saw him, but I wasn't sure if he was real. Sometimes I'm never sure what's real and what's not..."

"Ken...." Daisuke stopped and bit his lip. "Why can't you jut let me help, even for something little like this. I wanna help you. It's not a lie or a trick or anything, I swear!"

"I'll be fine in a minute," Ken said quietly, trying to convince himself. "It's just a moment of weakness, like always. My entire life is just thousands and thousands of moments of weakness, all heaped upon each other, covering me. This one will pass, just like all the others. And another one will come, and it'll pass too." He glanced defiantly up at Daisuke. "And it'll pass without your help. I don't need you."

Putting one hand up against the building to steady himself, Ken rose on trembling legs. Refusing to look at Daisuke, he stumbled forward towards the cafe. Daisuke stood and watched him until Ken had entered the building and disappeared from sight, then once more followed after him.

Ken was already seated when Daisuke entered the cafe. Daisuke was surprised and somewhat disturbed to see that Ken had sat himself in a booth, and seemed to be talking to the empty space across from him.

"Can I help you?" Daisuke jumped and whirled, finding himself face to face with a waitress.

"Um....I'm with him." Daisuke pointed hastily to Ken.

"Him? Oh!" The waitress looked surprised. "I saw him yesterday. I didn't think he'd be back, though. Not after he asked so many questions about that rattrap of a motel..."

"Yeah, that's just, uh...I'm gonna go over there, 'kay?" Without waiting for a reply, Daisuke walked over to where Ken was sitting and slid into the seat across from him. Ken looked up from the menu and scowled.

"I thought you said you wouldn't follow me," he said.

"I said I wouldn't follow you if you let me help you," Daisuke reminded him. "You haven't let me help you yet."

Ken opened his mouth to reply, then stopped. The Kaiser had been sitting across from him, and had looked highly annoyed to be sharing his seat with Daisuke. However, a wicked look suddenly came over the apparition's face as he leaned over, wrapped an arm around Daisuke and began kissing his neck.

 _"Isn't this what_ you _would like to do?"_ the Kaiser laughed. _"Touch him? Am I playing out your own fantasies, dear?"_

"Ken?" Daisuke leaned forward worriedly. Ken seemed completely unaware of him all of the sudden. The other boy was staring at something just beside Daisuke, something that was invisible to all eyes but Ken's.

 _"Am I making you jealous, love?"_ The Kaiser moved over and kissed Daisuke on the mouth. Ken tried to close his eyes, but it was as if they were wired open. _"Poor thing. Perhaps you'd like a threesome?"_ He ran a hand along Daisuke's arm, and blood appeared there that only Ken could see. _"We'd_ break _him, pet. He'd never be anything more than our slave then, a whimpering little creature like yourself, slave to the touch and the heat. Would you like that?"_

"S-stop it," Ken said hoarsely.

"Stop what?" Daisuke felt a growing sense of dread. "Ken, what is it? What's wrong?" He knew even as he spoke that Ken couldn't hear him. He was trapped in some small world of his own, a world that Daisuke couldn't even begin to imagine.

 _"Don't be so sad,"_ the Kaiser murmured, kissing Daisuke again. One hand disappeared down Daisuke pants, while the other scratched him along the face; more phantom blood appeared where the nails touched Daisuke's skin. The Kaiser pressed himself closer to Daisuke, and it seemed to Ken that blood appeared wherever the Kaiser touched, wherever there was skin on skin. _"It will be fun, you'll see. If you can't forget about him, we'll just have to make him ours. He might even enjoy it, at first. You did."_

"Stop it!" Ken said more forcefully, one hand going to his ferociously aching head.

 _"Make me,"_ the Kaiser laughed. He kissed Daisuke once more, then detached himself from Daisuke and leaned over the table, kissing Ken hard on the lips. He ran a hand gently down the side of Ken's face, barely touching him. _"My poor, beautiful, wretched pet. Are you upset, because he'll respond to me when he has nothing but contempt for you? Your weakness is rooted in your pathetic affection for him. Give that up, and then I'll stop."_ The gentle hand turned rough, and the Kaiser's nails raked him hard across his cheek.

"Ken!" Daisuke leaped to his feet as Ken suddenly brought a hand up to his face and scratched himself across the cheek, drawing blood. Ken didn't even seem to know what he had done; he was staring at his bloody nails with a dull, confused look. As Daisuke watched, Ken seemed to fold in on himself, wrapping his arms around his body and shaking his head wildly.

"Not here, not _here_..." Ken gave a strangled gasp as the Kaiser ran a hand under his shirt. "Just--can't it wait until later, I don't--"

 _"Who do you want?"_ the Kaiser whispered. _"Will it be me or him? You can't have us both, my dear, not unless you let me break him. He'll never consent otherwise. Why should he? You're disgusting and worthless. Without me, you'd have nothing, and you'll never have his love without mine."_

"I--I don't care about him." Ken swallowed hard as the Kaiser climbed into his lap, straddling him. "I--I--"

 _"Yes?"_ The Kaiser's eyes glittered violet behind his sunglasses. _"Don't cry, love. Don't be weak. Embrace me, and be free."_

Ken closed his eyes and shook his head. The Kaiser kissed him lightly, and each kiss felt like a spear of fire touching his skin.

"Ken, look at me!" Daisuke crawled into the seat beside Ken and grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to snap him out of it. "What is it, what's wrong?"

Ken cried out and Daisuke looked around helplessly. The few other people in the cafe were giving them odd looks, but no one seemed willing to step forward and help.

 _Dammit, what do I do?_ Daisuke thought wildly. _He doesn't even see me!_

"Ken!" Daisuke shook his friend hard, and Ken suddenly gave a strangled gasp, his eyes shooting open. He stared straight at Daisuke for a moment, obviously disoriented.

"D-Daisuke..." Ken coughed out, then stiffened as he felt the Kaiser's lips on his. He shuddered at the touch even as he leaned into the kiss.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Daisuke felt the nervousness return as Ken's eyes briefly took on that earlier distracted look. When Ken didn't answer right away he tried again. "Ken, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I..." Ken stopped. He looked up into Daisuke's eyes. "Y--you aren't bleeding."

"No," Daisuke replied, uncomprehending. He paused. "Did--did you think I was?"

"I don't know," Ken whispered. "I don't know what I'm seeing, what I'm hearing..."

"Ken, listen," Daisuke said gently. "I don't know what just happened, okay? You--you had some kind of fit, or something. See, you're bleeding." He lightly touched the scratches on Ken's cheek, and Ken flinched.

"I didn't do that," Ken said softly. "The Kaiser did."

"No, Ken." Daisuke tried to keep his voice calm. "You did it. It--it was like you didn't even see me." He swallowed heavily. "You need help, Ken. You have to listen to me, okay, because I'm really worried about you. You need help, or you're gonna hurt yourself, and I'll never forgive myself if I let that happen." He stopped, waiting for the reaction. To his surprise, and concern, Ken just laughed bitterly.

"Too late," he said in tones of purest loathing. "Too late." Carefully he pulled one arm out of the sleeve of his coat, revealing his bare arm. Long red scars ran all the way down it. "You see? It's too late. I can't be helped now."

"That's not true," Daisuke said stubbornly. "It's not too late 'cause I'm not gonna let it be too late. I can't let you do this to yourself, Ken."

Ken didn't seem to hear him. He was staring off into space, listening to the taunting voice inside his head.

 _"See how he tries to hide his disgust?"_ the Kaiser laughed. _"He saw you, pet. He said it himself. He knows how sick you are now, how you hunger for me. He knows you're nothing but my whore."_

"Ken? Aw, come on, don't do this to me again." Daisuke touched a hand to Ken's shoulder, and this time Ken recoiled as if had been slapped, sliding backwards so that he was pressed up against the wall, as far away from Daisuke as possible.

"You saw," he gasped out.

"Saw what?" Ken didn't answer. He had begun to tremble again.

"You know," Ken said. "You know what I am. You said you saw him hurt me... that it was just me. You know. You--you weren't supposed to know this much. You weren't supposed to know _anything."_

"Ken, calm down," Daisuke said in soothing tones, as if trying to talk to a wounded and possibly violent animal. "What are you talking about? I don't understand."

"Go away," Ken said, more a plea than a command. "Please...just go away. It'll-- it'll stop in a minute. It _has_ to."

"I'm not going to leave," Daisuke said. "You can't force me away this time, Ken! I'm going to help you or--"

He didn't get a chance to complete his sentence. Ken dived forward, trying to escape. Daisuke grabbed at him and Ken scratched his arm. Daisuke pulled back with a curse as blood ran down his arm. Ken took advantage of the moment and his fist flashed out, hitting Daisuke hard. Daisuke fell back and Ken ran out of the cafe, ignoring Daisuke yelling after him.

 _"Running away again?"_ The Kaiser shook his head. _"You're always running away, aren't you dear? No wonder they all hate you."_

"Sh-shut up," Ken panted. "I know I'm running again. I know." _But this time I'm not running away,_ he thought resolutely. _I know exactly where I'm going this time._

 _And when I get there, I'll make sure that everything will stop. I'll make sure that I never run again._


	15. Be My Hero

"A-are you all right?" A waitress tentatively took a step towards Daisuke, who was still sitting on the floor where he had fallen after Ken had punched him. A bruise was already beginning to spread across one side of his face, and he was wiping blood from his nose.

"Huh?" Daisuke looked up at her in momentary confusion. "Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine." He got carefully to his feet, using the table to steady himself. Blood dripped from his nose onto the clean floor and with a curse he grabbed a napkin to try and staunch the blood flow. He glanced back at the waitress. "Where'd Ken go? Did you see him?"

"You mean that guy who punched you? He ran out." The waitress shrugged. "I didn't see which way he went after that."

"Right. Thanks." Ignoring the stares from the other patrons, Daisuke ran out of the cafe and glanced around outside.

 _Dammit, where'd he go? He can't have gotten too far, right?_ Daisuke irritably wiped at his nose with the napkin. _Man, I forgot how hard he could throw a punch. Now what do I do? He could be anywhere!_ Daisuke looked around again, as if expecting Ken to reappear in front of him any moment. Finally, he sighed in defeat. _I'd better get back to the motel. If he went back there, Wormmon should've seen him return._

When Daisuke reached the motel, out of breath and still with a slight nosebleed, Wormmon was sitting on top of the van, looking worried.

"Where is he? Did he come back?" Daisuke asked nervously as he ran to Wormmon's side. The Digimon's eyes widened a bit at the sight of Daisuke's bruised face, but he didn't comment.

"Ken-chan came back a few minutes ago," Wormmon reported. "I was already up here and he looked right at me, but he didn't say anything or stop. He just--just ran right by me."

"Where'd he go? Is he in his room?" Daisuke glanced up anxiously at the closed door, feeling his heart drop. _He has a knife. He still has a knife in there. What if--what if he's--_

"He went into his room and slammed the door," Wormmon said, confirming Daisuke's worst fear.

 _What do I do? What do I_ do? Daisuke's heart clenched with fear and helplessness. _If he locked the door...what do I do? I can't stop him if I can't get in there. Can I break the door down? Can Wormmon? What if we can't? Or what if he hears me trying to get in and it--and it pushes him over the edge?_

 _What do I do? Why am I so stupid, why can't I_ think _of something, anything, why can't I stop panicking and figure something out--a plan, a plan, I need a_ plan, _I need something---Come on, Daisuke, think, don't be the stupid one this time you've gotta think and not panic and not--not--God, what if he kills himself? I can't let that happen. I hafta save him, hafta_ think...

"A--a key." Daisuke swallowed hard. "I need a room key. I have to go see if the--the front desk people, if they have another key or a master key or an anything key. Something that can open Ken's door."

"But Daisuke--"

"You stay here, Wormmon, okay? Come get me if he comes out of his room or if--if you hear anything funny from his room or anything." Daisuke swallowed hard, feeling a little dizzy. His heart was pounding with anxiousness and fear, and he suddenly found himself grabbing his backpack from the front seat of the van, feeling a strange sort of comfort from the letters inside. _Ken...._ "I'll be back as quick as I can. Just come get me if--if you see him, all right?"

Without waiting for a reply, Daisuke turned and ran towards the motel lobby.  


~~~

"Damn it!" Ken swore violently as the knife slid upwards and sliced the bottom of his palm yet again. His arm was peppered with small cuts above and below his wrist, but nowhere near the vein. Every time Ken tried to cut, the knife would slide upwards or downwards, as if something was keeping him from cutting. Because something _was._

 _"I won't let you do it, dear,"_ the Kaiser whispered, phantom breath hot on Ken's cheek as he leaned in close, his hand resting on the wrist of Ken's other hand, the one holding the knife. _"If you die, I die. I'm not ready to die yet."_

"I _am!_ " Ken cried, his voice ragged. "Dammit, can't you just--just let me have damn _peace_ for once? I'm tired of it all. I'm hideous, disgusting, nothing loves me, nothing real, and even Daisuke--he knows now. He saw me talking to you, being your slave and he _knows--_ "

 _"So what if he knows? Let him know. He can't do anything to us. And why should we care what he thinks?"_ the Kaiser scoffed. _"Such a foolish, foolish pet. For all your proclamations of hatred, it's still just the same. You'd die for him now?"_

"Th-that's not it," Ken said. "It's not for him that I want to die. It's _because_ of him...and me...and you...I'm not even sure anymore. I just know--"

 _"Know what? That you're a wretched little beast?"_ the Kaiser scoffed. _"You already knew that. I've told you enough times. But there's no reason to die for that, not when I'm here, and waiting, and willing. If you must throw your life away, then simply give it to my keeping. I can live that pathetic life to the fullest. So stop with this foolish notion of killing yourself. You know I'll never let you do it."_

"Then why do you keep talking?" Ken whispered. "Why do you make my head hurt, and my mind bleed, and everything around me--everything--why--" Ken shuddered hard and in a sudden, swift movement tried to bring the knife across his wrists. Just in time the Kaiser knocked it away, and Ken sliced his palm again.

 _"I won't_ let _you,"_ the Kaiser hissed. _"Not my life. Yours, maybe, but not mine. I've grown quite fond of this life, my dear. And I've been thrown off once, cast aside by you and your weaknesses. Not again. Your life is mine. You will not throw it away, not without my consent!"_

"You can't stop me," Ken said, shuddering again. "Y-you're not real, not _real,_ you're not--You can't stop me."

 _"But I can, and I am,"_ the Kaiser purred. _"I'm real to you, precious, and that's enough. I'm there inside you, always, not just during the sex but after and before, no matter the time or place. I'm you. I'll always be you. And I won't let you do this. I'm not quite ready to give up this sweet life again, love. Not when there's still so much yet to be seen and tasted and conquered."_

"You're _not real!_ " Ken repeated again. "You're not, you're not, you're not! It's just one life, just mine, mine to lose if I want to."

 _"Is it, darling?"_ the Kaiser laughed. _"You know better than that. If I'm not real, if it's just you, then why can't you do it? Who's stopping you?"_

"My mind," Ken murmured. "It's all in my head, all jumbled up in bits and pieces. A puzzle, broken like glass and soaked in blood, hidden by fog. It makes my head hurt whenever I think about it, and it hurts worse whenever I don't."

 _"Poor, poor wretched pet,"_ the Kaiser murmured. _"I fear I may have broken you this time, and before I planned to. Hush, don't cry."_ He raised a hand and wiped at Ken's tear-stained face. _"Nothing to cry about, though I suppose that's never stopped you. You want to die? Then do things my way. In your death, let me live. All your pain will end at last."_

"That's--that's not what I want," Ken said softly. "Not that way."

 _"You dare refuse?"_ The Kaiser angrily backhanded Ken. _"I am your master here, pet. You know I won't let the knife find its mark. As long as I am here, you have only two choices : take my peace or have none at all."_

"It's still my life," Ken said. He was facing towards the wall, his hair shielding his face from the Kaiser. There was a strange quiver in his voice. "Mine to take, mine to lose, mine to keep. Still mine. I'll end this on my terms."

 _"And where does this sudden strength come from?"_ the Kaiser mused, a dangerous edge to his voice. _"Has the mewling kitten opened his eyes at last, and wants no more of his mother's milk? Fool. You know you have nothing without me. You can't survive without me, nor can you die."_

"My life," Ken repeated. "My terms. I want to die, don't you get that? I just want it all to end. I've been stuck in a living death for long enough now besides. I've finally had enough. So why won't you let me?"

 _"You know why,"_ the Kaiser said. _"You know what I am, pet, so did you really even need to pose the question? I value my life far above yours, and I suspect I'm not the only one. Is it for your lovely Daisuke that you've gone this far? Because you fear his knowledge, his eyes, and your own weakness besides? Then give me leave to control you. I'll take him for myself, for the both of us, twist him and break him. I'll make him_ ours. _Will that satisfy you?"_

"That's not what I want," Ken said slowly, resolutely. "I won't let you stop me this time, won't let you control me. This one thing....this is the one thing I've been sure about in all this time. I want to die. I want darkness, I want peace, I want to forget that I ever was. I want to forget, to escape, to be beyond the reach of him, of you, of anybody. My weakness is why there's no one who loves me, so my strength will let me escape."

 _"Fool,"_ the Kaiser spat. _"Your strength? What strength? You have none._ I _am your only strength. And I will not let you do this."_

Ken shut his eyes tight, trying to convince himself that he was alone, that there was nothing there to stop him. He brought the knife down on his wrist again, and again it slid away, slicing the palm again.

 _"You see?"_ the Kaiser whispered in his ear. _"You'll never be free of me, my love. Not until you give in to me."_

"Not that way," Ken said, his voice hushed and fevered. "Not that way. I don't want it to end that way."

 _"So how would you prefer it end? With the pain and the blood? Even the knife's no sure thing, darling."_ The Kaiser gently pried Ken's fingers open and the knife dropped soundlessly to the ground. _"They'll find you here, bleeding to death. And they'll take you to a hospital and patch you up, and then they'll tie you to the bed and make you tell everything in your head. You'll be locked in a little white room forever, alone and shivering, without even me to comfort you. And all because you were too stubborn to let me in."_

"No....sure...thing?" Ken repeated slowly. He took a shaky breath and closed his eyes, thinking. The Kaiser smirked triumphantly and leaned in for a kiss.

"You see? There's no choice but me."

"No," Ken replied, a mere whisper of a word. "There is one other recourse left to me."  


~~~

"Come on, it's just one key!" Daisuke said urgently, leaning on the front desk. The man sitting behind it glared at him.

"I told you, I need some sort of proof that you're with the guy in that room," he growled. "I won't believe that you just 'forgot' your own key or something."

"Why the hell would I be lying?" Daisuke demanded. "Come _on,_ this is important I don't have time for arguing! Where's that lady who was here before? She knows I'm with Ken."

"She's on break," the man said roughly. "So you're either gonna have to wait until she comes back or--"

"I _can't_ wait!" Daisuke snapped. "L-look, don't you have, like, a list or something of who's in each room? I can _prove_ that the room's mine. It's under my name."

"The book's not here right now," the man said, turning away from Daisuke. "So like I said, you'll have to wait or--"

"Damn it, this is important!" Daisuke felt like screaming. _I don't have time to wait around for that one lady to come back! Ken could already be--_ He swallowed heavily. "Listen, isn't there something--"

"Daisuke! Daisuke!" The sound of a small voice calling his name caught Daisuke's attention. He turned towards the door and saw Wormmon half-hiding in the doorway, gesturing towards him.

"Uh....you know, never mind. I'll, um, I'm going, okay?" Daisuke turned and hurried out the door to meet Wormmon. "What is it? Did something happen?"

"Ken-chan came out of his room," Wormmon reported breathlessly.

"He did? So he's all right? He didn't have the knife with him, did he?"

"No, he didn't but--"

"That's good, then." Daisuke sighed in relief. "So where did he go? I need to catch up with him."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you," Wormmon said. "He went into some door a little ways away from his room. I couldn't get a good look at what was inside, but it looked like a staircase."

"A staircase? But he's on the top floor, so where would a staircase..." Daisuke's voice trailed off as realization hit. "The roof!"

In a flash Daisuke was off and running, with Wormmon trying desperately to catch up with him.

"Daisuke, wait for me!" Wormmon panted.

"I can't wait," Daisuke gasped out, turning his head to look back at Wormmon. "Try--try and use your sticky net attack or evolve without Ken or _something_ to keep him from falling if he jumps, okay? I'm gonna try and stop him, but--" He swallowed the rest and kept running. They both knew what would happen if Daisuke failed.

He found the door to the roof easily. Even as he started up the steps Daisuke noticed that there had once been a lock on the door, but it looked to have been broken long ago.

 _Damn stupid rat trap of a motel,_ Daisuke thought bitterly even as he rushed up the stairwell. His legs ached from the sudden sprint, but he ignored the pain. The pain was unimportant. The only thing he cared about right then was reaching Ken before it was too late.

"Ken!" Daisuke burst out onto the roof, nearly falling to his knees from the exertion. He paused and glanced around, half-afraid to move from the stairwell for fear he would trip, and half-worried that he was already too late. A cold wind blew around him and pulled his jacket closer even as he stepped out carefully onto the roof. After a moment his eyes lit upon a figure standing not far away, staring down. "Ken!"

Ken turned at the sound of Daisuke's voice, and their eyes met. Daisuke felt his heart clench at the sight of the pure and absolute despair that was clear in Ken's eyes.

"Go away," Ken said tiredly. "Can't you see that I've had enough now?"

"D-don't do this," Daisuke stuttered out. "Ken, come on, let's--let's discuss this on the ground, okay? It's not safe up here."

"No. I won't." Ken shook his head. "This is the only way I can be sure the Kaiser won't stop me. Just this way, no other." He held up one hand, displaying the cuts on his palm and arm. "See? He wouldn't let me do it that way. He's trying to stop me even now. But he can't keep me from moving. If I'm strong enough he can't and so I--so I can--"

"Ken....I don't really get everything you're saying," Daisuke said slowly. "About the Kaiser and...and everything, I guess. But I'm not letting you do this. There's no way in hell I'm letting you leave me this way."

"You can't stop me," Ken said. "Don't you see Daisuke, this is my one sure way? Crushed and dead and beyond revival. That's what I want now. Just a sure way so I can die and let everyone forget I ever was. No one will care, except the Kaiser. And the Kaiser dies with me, so it all balances out. I can be at peace." He paused a moment, listening to an inner voice that cursed in his ear, and sighed heavily. "You're right, I suppose. It still won't stop me. Even if there's nothing but hell awaiting me, it's better than this....this _waste_."

"Don't say that." Daisuke took a tentative step towards Ken and nearly ended up falling himself. "Ken, why can't you just trust me? When I say I care I'm not lying. I--I couldn't stand it if you died, Ken, I couldn't! I'd--It'd be like I wasn't breathing anymore, without you here. I can't let you do this."

"Even to the end, a liar." Ken glanced back down at the ground. "Why should I believe you after all this time? I used to think you cared, but I learned better. The Kaiser showed me, the world showed me. No one cares for me. No one should, because I'm not worth caring for. There's nothing in me. I'm empty, dead, worthless. I was stupid to think that anyone loved me. Even Osamu....." Ken closed his eyes for a moment, composing himself. "There was never anyone who cared. I thought they did, because I was stupid and didn't know. But then you left, and I realized. Why would you care? Because I did? I thought that because I loved you then you could love me back. But I waited and you were gone, and then I knew the truth I'd been hiding from. You couldn't love me because I can't be loved. I'm alone, Daisuke......"

"You're not!" Daisuke took another step closer, suddenly much more scared of losing Ken than of the possibility of falling and dying himself. "You're never alone, Ken! I'm here, Wormmon's here, Takeru and everybody, your parents--"

"No." Ken shook his head. "It's different. Even when you're by yourself, you're not alone. There's the people you haven't met yet, the ones you see as you walk by; there's trees and birds and singing wind....no matter what, you're not alone, because there are things that care about you. You have a reason to exist, and so you can't be alone. But I don't have anything, I never have. It's just been a delusion, a child's dream, all this while. There's no reason for my existence. I don't do anything but make people hurt and kill those I love. I'm an awful person." He glanced up at Daisuke, the wind blowing his hair in his face and momentarily obscuring his eyes. "I'm tired, Daisuke. Tired of you, tired of me, tired of being the Kaiser's whore, tired of being the only one in the room, tired of being the person nobody sees, tired of--of--of _being._ I just want to die now, so go away and let me finally end what was never meant to be in the first place. There's no reason for you to want to stop me. It won't matter when I die, because it never mattered that I lived."

"But it did matter," Daisuke said earnestly. "It always mattered to me, Ken. You keep saying that you don't have anything, and you're wrong. You've always had me, Ken. Even--even when I was gone, I was thinking about you. I heard your heart beating all across the ocean, Ken. Every night I went to sleep hearing your heart and thinking everything was all right, that you were okay. Don't you get it? Even when I wasn't here, I still cared. I....I...." Daisuke shivered as the wind blew by again, colder than before. "I didn't know all this was gonna happen, Ken. If I had, I wouldn't have left. But--but even when I was gone I wasn't _really_ gone. I was carrying you with me wherever I went. Because you're my best friend, and so you're a part of me. I'm not alone because I had you, Ken. So that means you can't be alone either, because you'll always have me. And--and you can say that I'm lying, and yell at me and do whatever the hell you want to me and it's still not gonna make me give up and it's not gonna make me hate you, because it's not gonna change the way things are. It's not gonna make me stop caring about you."

"N-no." Ken shook his head wildly. "That's wrong, you're lying, you have to be! No one ever cares. It's wrong to care about me. If you care about me then you'll die. That's why I shouldn't have loved you, because I'd kill you. The Kaiser said it. We'd break you. I can't let that happen. I can't let you die because I'm here. At least if I die then it won't matter. I'm not important. I'm worthless and wretched and evil, and I deserve death. I should've died when I was the Kaiser it's only--only something went wrong then and things didn't go right, and so I lived when I shouldn't have. That's the way the story's supposed to go. The hero defeats the villain and the villain dies all alone in his castle."

"But you're not a villain anymore," Daisuke said. "You never were. You were just....going through all sorts of bad stuff then, and okay, yeah, you didn't pick the best way of dealing with it, but that's in the past! You're a different person now!"

"No," Ken replied, his voice flat. "That's the problem. I'm not anybody at all. I'm not the Kaiser, but....but I haven't moved on. I've just been hiding in purgatory for all these past years. Rejected by the light, afraid of the dark, suspended in between. I'm a waste of a new person. At least if I'd died as the Kaiser I would've been someone. Then I could've died a king, and the boy I was could've cried for me. But now all I have is the Kaiser, and he can't grieve for something like me. So this time when I die, no one will cry for me. No one will feel anything when I'm dead, because I wasn't ever anything to cry for."

"I'd cry," Daisuke said, his voice shaking with emotion. "Ken, come on, think. Would I be up here if I didn't care? Would I have even come this far? I wouldn't. I don't care if you're stuck in--in purgatory or whatever it was. You're still Ken. Isn't that enough?"

"And who's Ken?" Ken asked hollowly. "No one important. The Kaiser was someone, the Ichijouji Ken who was a genius was somebody. But not this me, not the me I am now. Now I'm just....just the living body with nothing but weakness and pain and--and stupidity and delusion, nothing of value, nothing real. No kindness, no courage, no friendship, no love, no nothing, not even cruelty. At least the Kaiser was somebody. When he touches me, I can pretend for a little while. I close my eyes and pretend that I'm important, that I'm loved. But whenever I open my eyes it's still just me. No matter how hard I try to delude myself, in the end it's all the same. I'm still alone. I'm still worthless and empty and not worth the air I'm breathing." He sighed heavily. "That's why you left, because you couldn't stand being near something like me. That's always why everyone leaves. It's always my fault, because I shouldn't even be alive."

"Stop saying that!" Daisuke snapped, surprised at how raw his own voice suddenly sounded. "You have to stop believing that stuff, Ken. You're not awful, or weak or anything! You're--"

"Can't you just be quiet?" Ken said wearily. "Just leave, Daisuke. Give up and leave. You did it once, it won't be so hard to do again."

Daisuke felt a sharp stab of pain in his heart as Ken's words sunk in. Ken stared impassively at him for a few moments, then turned away again, stepping carefully towards the edge of the roof.

"I won't go." Daisuke's voice was shaking with a mixture of barely-suppressed emotions. "I won't go again. Not this time. I'm sorry, Ken. For all of this. I'm sorry that I left you, that I didn't realize that anything was wrong. But--but I can't change the past, not any more than you can. All I can do is try and fix things. That's all I've been _trying_ to do, ever since I got back. And I'm not giving up now. If it's all my fault for leaving, fine. But that doesn't mean I'm going to leave again. I'm never going to leave until I know you'll be okay."

"You're a fool," Ken murmured. "You keep saying those things over and over again, all those empty words. You'll be happier when I'm gone. Look at all the trouble I've caused you. You're better off without me here, without me hanging on you and--and _loving_ you." He spat the last two words out in disgust.

"I can't be happy if you're dead!" Daisuke snapped. "There's no way. I know you missed me when I was away Ken, but what's it gonna take to convince you that I missed you too?" Inspiration struck him and Daisuke suddenly pulled off his backpack, digging around and coming up with Ken's eleven letters, still tied together with two rubber bands and a ribbon. "Do--do you remember these, Ken? You wrote them to me, while I was gone. I kept them. I carried them in my backpack every day the whole time I was gone, because it let me feel like I had some of you with me. And I re-read them a bunch of times, too, especially on the plane ride home. And I was really happy then, because I thought I was going to get to see you again. I was happy then because I _wanted_ to see you. So that means I can't ever be happy if you're gone."

Ken stared for a long time at the letters, his face impassive. He had begun to tremble again.

"It's a trick," he said finally, and Daisuke's heart dropped. "It's always a trick. If you wanted to see me it was only because you didn't know what I was then. You were still acting out my child's fantasy. The fantasy's over now. Now you have to see what an awful person I am. You don't have the most important letter with you, the one I shouldn't have written. That was the one that changed it all. If I hadn't tried to love, everything would've been fine. I could've kept pretending. But I'm so stupid I thought I could actually love you and expect to be loved back. And it's all wrong and filthy and shouldn't have ever been thought of."

"I do have that one," Daisuke said quietly, touching the letter on the top of the stack. "You only wrote me ten while I was gone, Ken. I have eleven with me."

Ken's skin paled even more, and the shaking intensified.

"You're--you're just trying to make me confused," he choked out. "It's all just a trick to make me confused so you can--can stop me and force me to live in a world that hates me, just to make me all alone again because--because--because of something, I can't even remember now, my head hurts. It's some sort of--of trap, like the ones the Kaiser sets. Maybe you're not even real." His eyes met Daisuke's again, and this time they were wide and frightened. "It's just in my head again, isn't it? Like before. It's just the Kaiser trying to stop me again, because he doesn't want to give me up. He knows I wouldn't listen to him so he made you up or--or _I_ made you up, one of us had to have done it, and it's just my own mind trying to stop me from doing the one thing I was certain about, trying to make me--make me become him. I don't want to become him again. I--I just want to make everything stop being so cold and dark."

"I'm real, Ken," Daisuke said carefully. "I'm real, you didn't make me up. You have to listen to me, okay? I'm here, and I wanna help you. I--I know I'm not very good at stuff like that, a-and that I don't really know what you're going through. But I want to help."

"You're not real!" Ken said firmly. "You're not, you're _not!_ You can't be. Nothing's ever real. I'll give in to you and then it'll be just me again. Just me alone...all alone..." He shook his head wildly. " _Alone_ and not real, in the dark and the silence, just me so--so that's why I can't listen, because it has to be a trick of my mind, or the Kaiser's mind or _someone's_. I have to end this. If I live I'll just be by myself again, with nobody to care. At least if I die I won't have to continue being alone." He steeled himself and turned to jump.

"No!" Even Daisuke didn't know how he moved so fast at that moment. All he knew was that one moment he was still standing facing Ken and the next he was beside him, holding Ken in an iron-tight embrace, not knowing how to do anything else but what he was doing: holding Ken so tight he couldn't get away, couldn't leave. "I won't let you. Dammit, I _won't let you!_ " Daisuke suddenly felt tears on his face, and he didn't know if they were his or Ken's.

"Let me go," Ken whispered. "Let me go! I have to do this." He tried to pull away from Daisuke's embrace, but the other boy held him tight.

"I can't." Daisuke's voice was choked with tears he hadn't even been aware he was shedding. "I can't. I can't lose you, Ken, I'm sorry, I just--I just can't. I--I--" He swallowed hard, closing his eyes. "I love you, Ken. So I can't let you go."

Ken froze at those words, his entire body stiffening. His voice was thin and hollow when he spoke.

"No, _no_ , it's a lie, a trick, you're just trying to talk me down--"

"It's the truth," Daisuke said thickly. "I love you, Ken. I--I wasn't sure before, I'm sorry, I just wasn't sure. But--but I do. I love you. I can't lose you."

"Let me go!" Ken began to squirm and fight, trying wildly to free himself from Daisuke's grasp. "Let me go, let me go, let--"

And then Daisuke's lips were on his, Daisuke's warmth filling his own empty body. Ken's body fell against Daisuke's, his hands clutching at Daisuke's shoulder in sudden desperation, leaning into the kiss like a dying man turning parched lips to a water skin. He fell into it, into the warmth and the light, and suddenly he didn't feel quite so tired anymore.

"I love you, Ken," Daisuke whispered in a ragged voice as he gently broke the kiss. "Even now....I don't care what you are, or what's wrong with you that makes you think you're so awful. You're not. I love you."

"No," Ken said brokenly. "No, it's all a lie, _always_ a lie. No one loves me. If you love me then you can't be real. Nothing with a heart can love me."

"If I wasn't real, could I be holding you this tight?" Daisuke asked almost angrily. "We're so close now, can't you hear my heart? Can't you hear that it's beating with yours, even now?"

"I--I can't hear anything," Ken said. "My head hurts, Daisuke, it just hurts so much and I can't hear or think or--"

"Ken..." Daisuke ran a gentle hand through Ken's hair, brushing the bangs out of his eyes. "You know I'm here Ken. You know I'm real. Please...just believe me this one time, okay? Just on this one thing? Even if you think that--that you're horrible and awful and I'm a figment and a liar, then will you just believe that I love you? That I never would've come this far if I didn't care?"

"You can't love me," Ken said, his voice raw with pain. "There's nothing in me to love. Just emptiness, always emptiness...."

"You're wrong." Daisuke's voice was gentle. "There's feelings inside you too, Ken. No matter what you feel about yourself, I believe in you. I know you can get through this. So let me help, all right? Let me help."

Ken stared at him for a long moment, tense, shaking, pale and wild-eyed. The Kaiser was whispering in one ear, the wind howling in another, the cuts on his arms ached and his chest felt tight. And in the midst of it all was Daisuke, holding him up, staring at him with those wide compassionate eyes that Ken had cursed not long ago. Ken glanced back down towards the ground, feeling a chill run up his spine. Daisuke leaned forward tentatively and kissed his cheek; one of his tears fell on Ken's face and it felt warm against his skin, like a small spark that might one day grow to a flame.

Ken fell forward into Daisuke's arms and cried.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed quietly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...."

"Don't be sorry," Daisuke said, running his hands through Ken's hair. "You don't have to be sorry. It'll be okay now, all right? It'll be okay."

Daisuke pulled Ken closer, and let him cry.


	16. Always

Ken sat huddled on the back seat of the van, staring down. The Kaiser was beside him, perched on the edge of the seat, ranting about being ignored and weakness. Ken was trying his best to ignore him, but it was hard. His head was pounding and his eyes itched from crying too much. He was wrapped in an old blanket, his coat lying draped over the passenger seat, and Wormmon was sitting beside him, talking in soothing tones. Ken barely heard him. His eyes were trained to the floor, and he was trying hard to stop shaking.

"I'm back." The door swung open as Daisuke stepped in, carrying Ken's duffel bag. He hadn't liked the idea of leaving Ken even for the few minutes it would take to get his stuff and drop the room key off at the front desk, but it had to be done, so Daisuke had left only after getting Wormmon's firm promise that, if Ken made any move to run off again, Wormmon would sticky net him to the floor. Despite that, Daisuke had been worried that Ken might bolt while he was gone, and the relief he felt upon seeing Ken still there was plain on his face. He haphazardly dropped the duffel bag on the floor and knelt at Ken's side. "You okay?"

Ken was quiet, not looking at him.

"Come on, don't do this to me," Daisuke murmured. "Talk to me, Ken. You were before."

"I'm sorry." The word was a strained whisper.

"I told you to stop saying that," Daisuke admonished him. "You don't have to apologize to me."

"Yes I do. All the trouble I caused...." Ken's voice dropped off. "And for that night in the shadows, too."

"I forgive you," Daisuke said. "Dammit, Ken, stop apologizing. It's okay now." He paused. "Ken, I know you're probably not gonna like what I say, but....we have to go the hospital. You need to get help, and--and as much as I want to, I can't help you by myself. You need to see a doctor or something. Okay?"

Ken didn't reply. His shoulders were hunched, and he was still staring at the floor.

"Okay?" Daisuke repeated. "Ken, I know you don't like doctors, but you need to see one. You can't get better otherwise."

"So that was why you came so far," Ken said softly. "To drop me off at a doctor's office, let them get inside my head while you leave again...."

"Ken..." Daisuke shook his head and leaned forward, taking Ken into his arms in a tight embrace. "I am _not_ leaving you anywhere. I'm gonna come with you, and I'm gonna stay with you until someone kicks me out. And even then I'm gonna keep coming back, until you're so sick of me you'll _want_ me to leave you alone. And even then I'm still gonna keep staying with you. There's no way I'm ever leaving you again, got that? I love you, so I'm staying with you whether you want me to or not."

"You shouldn't," Ken said in a hoarse whisper. "You'd be better off without me."

"Stop that," Daisuke said. "You shouldn't think of yourself like that. You're important and I love you, and that's why I want to help you."

Ken shivered and closed his eyes, silent once more. Daisuke held him close and kissed him.

"It'll be okay, all right? I'll take you to the hospital and you'll get better. And then it'll be just like before, 'cept it'll be better this time. I could move into your room, or we could try to get an apartment off campus or something. Then you won't be alone, right? It'll be you and me together, and I'll take care of you." Daisuke gave Ken a shaky smile. "That sounds kinda weird coming from me, huh? I'm not usually good with stuff like that; hell, I always killed my goldfish. But I will take care of you, and I won't leave. I won't ever leave."

"I don't want you to get sick of me," Ken said, leaning into Daisuke's embrace. "And the Kaiser...he won't like it if I go with you. He's very mad at me right now. He might hurt you." Ken shook his head. "I can't control him anymore. Maybe I never could, maybe he was just pretending to do what I said. I'm trying to ignore him, but....but he's always there. Always in my head, always lying beside me, always _there...._ "

"You think I care?" Daisuke said. "I fought the actual Kaiser, remember? The one in your head isn't going to stop me. But you know I can't do it alone, Ken. That's why we have to go to the hospital, so you'll get better and the Kaiser'll go away and leave you alone, and everything'll be okay again."

Ken didn't answer right away. His head was resting on Daisuke's chest as he stared into space with half-lidded eyes. He felt very fragile in Daisuke's arms.

"You love me, don't you?" Ken whispered after another long silence. "It wasn't all just a lie? Not like the ones everyone else told me. You do, don't you?"

"How many times do I have to keep telling you?" Daisuke murmured. "Of course I love you. No matter how many times you ask me, I'm always gonna love you."

"Why?" Ken said. "Why do you love me? There's no reason to love me. I'm broken, halved, never quite whole. Isn't that a bad thing?"

"It doesn't have to be," Daisuke said. "It's just--just like you're a work-in-progress, right? So maybe right now, you're broken. So what? It just means it'll take some time and care to fix you, and then you'll be better than before."

"Maybe," Ken said. He shifted slightly and looked Daisuke in the face. "But you didn't answer my question. Why do you love me?"

"Because--I just do, I guess," Daisuke said. "I mean, why shouldn't I? You're kind, and smart, and you keep worrying about everybody else when you don't have to, and you only call me stupid when you're joking or having a really bad time. And you never mean it, even if it really seems like you do. There's a lot to love about you, Ken. You just have to start seeing it for yourself." He paused. "Ken...I know you're always worried that people are gonna leave you. But that's not your fault, _never_ your fault. Sometimes--sometimes people just leave, and no one knows why. They're just gone. But just because people leave you doesn't make it your fault, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a bad person. I never left because of you, you have to believe me. Hell, I almost _didn't_ leave, because I thought I'd miss you too much. But--but I did, and I can't change that. I can only promise that I won't leave again."

"A promise," Ken repeated. He laughed bitterly. "What's a promise? Everyone promises. 'We'll never leave you, Ken. Never go away.' But I'm always by myself at the end. I'm always the last one standing in the room, left behind and missing everyone else..."

"I mean it, Ken!" Daisuke gave Ken a fierce look, and the other boy turned his head away. "You trusted me when I said I loved you, right? So keep trusting me. You have to sometime, Ken. This won't work any other way."

Ken sighed.

"We're back to the beginning again, aren't we?" he said ruefully, turning back to Daisuke. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know," Daisuke said. "You're always sorry, and you shouldn't have to be."

"I have a lot to be sorry for," Ken replied. "You can't understand it, Daisuke.... it's hard to know when things are all your fault."

"You think I don't know that?" Daisuke shook his head. "I'm stupid ol' Motomiya, right? I'm always making mistakes and getting yelled at. A lot of stuff's my fault. But I know that after a while, there's no point in apologizing. Sometimes stuff just happens, and we can't help doing whatever it is we do. And you don't need to apologize when you've already been forgiven."

"Have I?" Ken wondered.

"Dammit, Ken, I forgave you ages ago!" Daisuke said roughly.

"But...I attacked you. I--I almost--"

"That _wasn't you,_ " Daisuke said firmly. "I know you, Ken. Even after all this, after everything that's happened, you're still the same Ken I've always cared about. And I know that there's some stuff that's wrong with you, in your head and all, and that it's making you do stuff you wouldn't usually do. But you can't help it, so how can I blame you?"

"Wouldn't it be better if you did?" Ken closed his eyes and laid his ear against Daisuke's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Maybe I'd feel better if you blamed me."

"I'm not givin' you another thing to beat yourself up over," Daisuke said firmly. "You'll feel better eventually, Ken, you'll see. I mean, it'll take some time, but...you'll be whole again. You'll be okay."

"How can you be so sure?" Ken opened his eyes and gazed down at his wrists. "If the Kaiser hadn't stopped me from cutting, things would be all right now."

"You know that's not true," Daisuke said. " _I_ wouldn't be able to forgive myself if that had happened. You keep saying you don't want hurt me, right?"

"Right..."

"Well, losing you would hurt me," Daisuke said firmly. "So you're gonna have to keep living or else I'll be really really hurt, and then I'll have to raise your ghost so you can apologize to me." Ken laughed softly, and Daisuke suddenly felt as if some weight had been lifted. "That's better! You need to laugh more, Ken. It's been too long since I last heard you laugh."

"Anything..." Ken breathed, leaning closer to Daisuke. "Anything for you. Just--just promise you won't go. Promise and mean it."

"I always mean it," Daisuke said gravely. "I'm not going anywhere, Ken, not unless you're there with me. I won't let you be alone again."

"That's all I want," Ken murmured. "To hear another voice that's not my own, or the Kaiser's...to _touch_ something. Something real. It's been so long since I was able to touch something _real..._ "

"Well, I'm real," Daisuke said. "I'm real, and I'm holding you, and I'm not letting go. I'm not leaving again, not this time. I already made that mistake."

"You might change your mind," Ken said, His voice was growing softer and more distant. His eyes closed again as exhaustion began to catch up with him. "You know I'm still all wrong. The Kaiser's still--still talking....he's not happy, and he's never quiet--" Ken whimpered softly and brought a hand up to his head.

"Yeah, I know," Daisuke said in soothing tones. "Your head, right? It's all right. It'll go away eventually."

"I know." Ken shivered. "Even if it doesn't--you won't stop caring? No matter how deep I fall into things, you won't leave?"

"No matter how deep you go," Daisuke said gravely. "If I have to, I'll follow you down and drag you back up. Trust me."

"C-can we go to the hospital now?" Ken's voice was low and foggy, like that of a half-asleep child.

"Yeah, we can." Daisuke kissed Ken on the forehead and laid him down on the back seat, pulling the blanket over him. He started to move back towards the front seat, when Ken weakly grabbed his arm.

"You'll still be here when I wake up?" he questioned sleepily.

"Always," Daisuke promised, kissing him again. "Always."


End file.
